Denver was not the first place I went for treatment, but it was the first place so far away from home. Within two weeks of being there I had a seizure from stress because I couldn’t cope with my homesickness. The main problem was that I never thought they were going to let me leave. Every night I would cry and cry. I have trouble thinking about Denver just because of how I acted. I think I cried every single day, and it was most of the day. My roommate was the greatest person I ever met. I’ve never felt so much compassion from someone. She is truly the biggest angel on the planet. she put up with me, and not only that, she helped me in ways a friend has never helped me. However, it is still hard to think about because she did not deserve for me to be crying all the time. I didn’t think anyone cared so I didn’t think it would bother anyone if I was sad, so I cried and cried. However, I later learned I was spreading so much negative energy around that it pains to think of the word “colorado.” I am so sorry to everyone for how I acted. If I could change it I most certainly would. I just want to thank you all though for being extremely wonderful people.
I call this blog this because it is basically my whole recovery motivation. My mom and my puppy. When I went to treatment from my home in Ohio to Colorado, I missed my mom liked crazy and she paid so much money which is not fair to her even though she said she’s go bankrupt for me. When I got my puppy Bailey was literally the day I got discharged from PHP to IOP in 2015. Leaving him would depress me, and even with the 12 hour a day PHP 15 minutes from my house is too much guilt for me to bear living him alone, or without me, because I love him so much. My mom and my dog are my whole heart and I need to get better for them. I know everyone tells me that, that is the wrong way to go about recovery. That I won’t be happy until I do it for myself. I always tell them that at least it’s a start to get me to start trying to get better. But I think now I realize what it may take to get better for myself. I need to let anorexia go, and I think to do that it is to share my story in order to stop hiding anymore. Many people know about my eating disorder but when I was in high school I left school without saying a word to anybody about it because I thought no one cared. It was when everything was starting. Leaving school saved me for awhile, then I began to fall worse and worse for the eating disorder that landed me in the hospital and treatment too many times. I’ve made posts like this before. I’ve made a blog before but it’s all full of me just writing and deleting and sending people via social media to my blogs and immediately deleting the links and the posts. This time I hope to actually have the courage to send people to this page and keep it up for them to read. If you are reading this…then…yay! 🙂