I always thought I wanted to be a mother. Me and my graceful little girl walking down the road with my hand delicately into hers. I would think people would look at me the way I look at other beautiful mothers and their daughter. But as I was walking my dog today I realized what is just as beautiful as that. I am 22 and some of my friends are mothers now, but we do not have to put down girls for not having children. Even though I’m 22 I doubt anyone would try to tell me I’m doing something wrong with my life because I haven’t had children yet. But once I get older. In my head, I always believed I was never going to meet someone to marry me. This is a main cause of my eating disorder.But as I was walking my dog I thought of other people looking at me as they drove past and still thinking it is beautiful. It may not be a human child, but I feel people can see the love and delicateness I give off to my puppy. It is just as beautiful to watch me love my dog as much as a human child just like loving and being delicate with a human child itself. It’s also beautiful to be different. When I was younger and on Facebook there was an app thing where people would pick who was prettier or nicer or more generous. Obviously I was obsessed with finding out who i was among everyone. I was known very, very far down the list as the girl who didn’t have a good taste in music, while the girls I was jealous of were at the top. But now I realize that my last boyfriend who said I was too good to be true, who said I was wife material, I maybe finally understand what he meant after he said that very soon after meeting. I’m different from the other girls in many ways. I used to listen to music that people at school thought was stupid because it wasn’t rap or things that were just catchy but didn’t have any beautiful lyrics behind it. I now embrace the things I love because they are what makes me kind of an “old soul” I guess. Another thing I thought of was how I love reading books as of recently. I forgot how much I loved to read until i started again last year. However, in my head, I always remember how much I hated reading as a child. I thought of my love of books, and this beautiful part of my inner self about being different from the popular girls who didn’t like to read. I thought of how I was 16 when I learned my love to read and felt it was fake because I was so old when I learned that about myself. If I really do love books and I’m not just forcing it because I want to be different, then why did it take me 16 years to realize it? It must be fake. I must not have this beautiful old soul. But then, fake or not, it’s a beautiful thought to find books and reading to be beautiful and finding the beauty in the past. Maybe deep down I despise reading (even though I’m pretty sure if I did, I wouldn’t be able to push through that hatred to read all the books I do) but even if I did hate the act of reading, I love the idea of it, and that is something I do truly know about myself, and that opinion itself is different than other girls, and it is something that sets me apart and it is beautiful. So anything and everything about yourself is JUST AS beautiful as anything you want to have or be. You can find a way for it to be. You just have to realize it, no matter how much you believe it or not.
I met this woman in Colorado for treatment. We both bonded over how we were from the same city. she left long before me and I was really, really upset when she left. I was always so sad there but when she was around her humor and her kindness brightened my day. she was a lot older than me so she felt like the mother I needed and missed so much while i was there. Then, a little less than a year later, we were both in treatment again. We never got to say goodbye to each other. I remember only knowing her for probably a week or a little more. I saw her and I knew exactly who she was, sadly though, I had a name placed for her, but the wrong one. I didn’t say anything to her because I didn’t think she’d remember me. It was so long ago for such a short time. She sat next to me at group and I got the courage and I was just going to ask her if she went to denver for treatment last year. As soon as I looked at her she said, “Are you sydney!?” Firstly I was so excited that she remembered me and that we could continue our relationship where we left off…me adoring her. she gave me a hug and then that’s when it hit me. she remembered my name after barely knowing me and such a long time ago. She reminded me of her name and I was completely off in my head. I miss her so much again.
Continuing onto yesterday. I have no clue what has gotten into me wanting to find all these different kinds of exciting distractions and reading a bunch of articles on recovery but I have been the past two days. Today I went onto the recovery warriors website (you should totally go look at it) and it says something about finding who you are without your eating disorder. This seems to me like what I was trying to do yesterday. Finding distractions yet this adds an extra amazing thing to it. Finding a distraction is good to keep away from my thoughts about eating, but then there is the aspect of also, instead of distracting yourself with the same things over and over, trying new things in order to learn more about yourself. It says, “Do you like spending time with your niece? Take her to a bookstore to find out.” I always felt like I wanted to do something like that but I thought it would be weird to “try and figure out if you like something,” I mean, shouldn’t it be obvious what I like and don’t like? Well, today I learned by this website that it may not be that simple. I learned about myself today like I like trying new things or things I haven’t done in awhile. The webpage also suggested writing a letter on stationary to a friend I haven’t seen in awhile. I know eventually I will get bored with this, but right now, it’s a great distraction, and this to me makes me know that I am an excitable person who loves things to be different and not the same old boring things. I’m excited to create or find some cute stationary which shows that I am creative and have a lot of effort to give into the things that make me excited. sometimes I get ashamed at how excited and wild and crazy I act which used to get me to actually start trying to act a little shyer because sometimes I feel I am too hyper. Now I realize, with this “assignment” that my hyperness actually can be a help to people such as the people I work for. If I am excited about it, like this stationary thing, I will put 110% into it. And that is good for others as well. I urge you all to try this out as well. 🙂
I decided to add this url to help if you want to write a letter with me. This is a webpage from buzzfeed called 17 DIY stationary projects that will make you want to write a letter today. buzzfeed diy stationary
I left today feeling like I finally have something I can do. Not that I haven’t been given many great skills and advice, it just hasn’t worked for me that well. I always have been a fan of the distraction skill but my therapist gave me some really great ideas. she told me to write down thoughts I should have after meals. Instead of the thoughts that I have being guilt and shame and anxiety, I should write down and read during and after every meal the thoughts I should have after meals. These thoughts would be, “I deserve recovery,” “i am in control of my own thoughts and actions,” “I need to recover to have the life I want.” I am also told to finish the placemat I made last year, or find an inside joke with myself (My therapist told me a joke today I didn’t get and she told me it was an inside joke with herself and I thought that was hilarious and awesome so now I need one! You guys should come up with one too!). So with all these tools I am sharing them with you guys in order to maybe help you guys out considered this therapy session really helped me today. HOWEVER I must mention that I have to limit myself to 1 hour of distraction after each meal at a time because if I get too distracted I forget how hungry I am thus making it even harder to eat. I hope this helps us ❤
I should mention that none of these pictures are mine. What would I rather be known for? Saving a bunch of stray animals or being beautiful? Having inner beauty is something NO ONE can hate. People think it’s fake kindness? Why should that matter? I’m sure everyone would rather you be a fake kind person than go around bullying everyone. Everyone has room in their heart for kindness, whether you have to fake a smile or hug or not. Also, everyone has different opinions when it comes to outer beauty. some people might think someone is beautiful while others don’t, but you CANNOT deny the kindness of this coffee shop that lets stray dogs in every night. I would feel giddy, happy, and amazing if I had a coffee shop and did this. Whereas when people call me pretty or I feel pretty, I never believe it’s true.
I used to hate that my feet were not a size 5. I remember watching Hannah Montana and getting really upset when hannah said her shoe size was 5 and I got really insecure. Later on I heard two girls, girls that were just mean, I didn’t do anything to them, they had no reason to say this, but they said something on twitter in a general statement to everyone. “I would hate being tall, tall girls have big feet ew.” First of all, one of those girls is a mother now, and it always makes me feel more insecure when girls who are just so mean to everyone in general on social media, and they are the ones with the fairy tale ending. Anyway, luckily I was not 14 when this was said or I probably would have had a breakdown, but since I was older and embraced being tall I was able to counter that insult. I have a reason to love being as tall as I am despite my whole life up until i was like 16 only seeing the beauty in being shorter. I didn’t care about the size of my feet at this time because of something someone said to our health class in 8th grade. It will probably not seem like anything and it did take me from 8th grade until like 11th to embrace this completely but still, it worked in the end. A teacher said her feet grew when she was pregnant, she said they got “longer.” She didn’t say “bigger.” Feet cannot be big, but they can be long. Larger size shoes are not for people with big feet, they are for people with long feet. People who are tall are just…”tall.” They don’t need to be called big while shorter people are constantly called tiny. It’s just not fair to label in any way, but especially because these labels are false. Second of all, I grew up on knowing about the words tall and short, and even though I am having trouble grasping this thought, I do think it is true that no one can really be tall or short because of everything around us. Someone who is shorter than me is also taller than much of other things and vice versa.
I used to despise my smile so much. Sometimes, on occasion, I still do. I still sometimes brace myself when i’ve smiled in a picture just before I see it. So today, this says a lot that I am saying this. I used to also think I had to be sad, as everyone said I smiled all the time and seemed so happy. Even with my eating disorder, I am a pretty happy person a lot of the time. But even that happiness is layered with insecurities. Of course, I wanted to be a sad person because everyone said I was happy but I always changed every thing about myself into a negative and something I had to change. I hated my smile more than anything, and I wanted to stop being the happy girl because I thought that wasn’t good enough (I can’t really explain my reasoning behind how on earth I convinced myself of that) and now I’m saying with a 100% belief that smiling is so beautiful. I am sitting here tonight hugging my dog and counting the times I smiled in Denver. Or maybe at least, counting the times I did not cry because i am so ashamed of how often i cried there. To me, it seems like it was non-stop. I just wanted to share how beautiful happiness is. How amazing it is to feel and how awesome it is to witness. Laughter is contagious, loved ones being happy is a blessing. :DDDDDD