Saving Grace

My therapists have said they thought I was going to relapse. They said this a lot. Maybe they said that because they knew in my mind, but I never admitted it out loud, that as soon as I hit outpatient I was going to relapse, and I planned multiple lapses in IOP. It was a weird situation. My psychiatrist from Colorado once worked in Ohio where I’m from. Colorado I was just a balling mess. In Ohio, a few months after Colorado, I went to treatment in a new place that opened. My psychiatrist there worked with my psychiatrist from Colorado and when she went on vacation, my colorado psychaistist took her place for a week. I was in IOP so there was a good chance I wasn’t going to see her, however I really wanted to. I wanted to reedmen myself so bad. To show her I am capable of smiling though I do remember once time in Colorado laughing a lot in her office but then the next day she was getting calls from PCA’s because I couldn’t stop crying. I got to see her for a brief moment. After all that everyone said, after all that everyone thought. After all my thoughts about relapsing as soon as I could. The times I felt like I could barely breathe because all I wanted to do was go back to the eating disorder but I was stuck in treatment. The first thing that happened was my mom. I went to the movies with my friend on a Thursday and I was expecting it to be crowded. It was the opposite. Barely anyone was there, and I realized it was because it was Thursday. Everyone is working, including my mom who has had to work while I had to temporarily drop out of college twice for treatment. Now I’m going to the movies while my mom is working hard. I cried a long time after I got home. I should have a job, I need to get my act together or I will feel like this forever if I’m in and out of treatment my whole life. I knew eventually that the feeling would fade. I knew someday ed would come back and take over again because whenever I feel so sad about the guilt of ed, he always has the power to make him sound more important. It was true, that guilt faded but by then I had a crazy bond with my dog that it made me crazy to think about someone taking that away. Guilt again, is the main reason for recovery for me I guess. Last year I felt recovery as feeling sad when you use behaviors instead of feeling relieved. But all of this is recovering for someone else. Feeling sad about behaviors is better than them making you feeling relieved, but sometimes I was still using them, and this was because even though I had what seems to be the 2 biggest reasons to recover, I didn’t have the ACTUAL biggest reason to recover…myself. When I was in Colorado I missed my mom so much I did not want to risk going this far away from home for treatment ever, ever again. I recovered for 2 months when I got home. Thinking about how miserable I was and how adamant I was to stay home and not relapse, it baffles me that I lasted only 2 months. It was because I still had a reason to keep using behaviors. I had the biggest reason to stay home, but I still had a reason to use behaviors. I need to want to recover to be happy, to have a life, to get to my dreams and all time goals. Not to make someone else happy because in the end, YOU will not be happy. If you are getting better for yourself you will also be getting better for your loved ones while also being happy. This is again why I’m doing this blog. Sharing my story because ed doesn’t want me to. The rare time I defy him is with this blog. I have been struggling lately and I decided to try anything in order to get better for myself so I can get better for my mom and puppy.

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