Should treatment change or should I?

If you read my posts I think it’s no secret that I’m much too sensitive. I get triggered a lot. It feels like treatment sometimes is toxic for me. Every day (at least at one place I went) everyone gets in a room and talks about if they did behaviors the day before. We ate every meal there except for night time snack and dinner on weekends, but if someone said they skipped their snack, I felt guilty if i are mine. We aren’t allowed to say anything at all that has to do with food, which food talk never really bothered me but I’m sure it does to others. I think mainly, they were just so worried about triggers that they took the rules to the next level and said you’re not even allowed to mention words of foods either, but then again, every morning we are supposed to tell if we have done behaviors. If I had a do over I would say something. I remember one time someone said something and I am now upset that I sat there and pretended like it didn’t bother me. I wish I would have got up and walked out then talked to my therapist, or done something multiple times when people said things. Like a therapist told me, I only had to say red light, and that would have been that. I wish so bad I would have done that. I cannot express how much I wish I would have said something. If you are triggered, please talk to someone about it. Please say something to someone. Don’t worry that your therapist will say anything to that person because they won’t. Just don’t let it eat you alive, because I need closure right now. I need to know that I’m not too sensitive. I’m haunted with the thoughts that I am overly sensitive and these things shouldn’t have bothered me, but I cannot talk to my old therapist from treatment because I’m no longer her patient. I just want to tell her everything, finally. Everything that I was sensitive to that I just let eat me alive behind a smile. It also hurt really bad one day when my friend outside of treatment said something super triggering. I processed it in group and I just said that she said something insanely triggering but I also added, “I won’t say what it is because I don’t want it to be triggering,” and a therapist acted like (at least how I felt she acted) like, even though I wasn’t considering telling the other patients what she said, I felt like she was being condescending for considering telling everyone what she said even though I was the first person to mention that I would never say it to other patients. However, other people said things that other people said to them to be triggering. These things that people said to them actually never triggered me, it just hurt that I got in trouble even though I made to sure make clear I wouldn’t say the exact words that others got in trouble for. I’m just wondering if anyone else feels this way about the rules in treatment or if I really, really should have spoken up. Maybe we are allowed to mention behaviors every morning because it’s not normal to be triggered by that. If so, I really should have spoken up. My therapist did know me well enough that she did realize I was being triggered by something when I begged to go to outpatient and she said she knew it wasn’t a healthy reason. She helped me through that time. I wish I had those moments with her more, where I talked to her about everything bothering me. Luckily I actually did have like 2 moments I talked to her about this kind of thing, but not nearly enough.


2 thoughts on “Should treatment change or should I?

  1. I can relate to this all to well. I empathize with that feeling of envy, and the magnitude of this illness only exacerbates its strength to pull us inward and judge ourselves. Treatment can be both helpful and harmful, and it’s certainly a different experience for each individual. I, too, have noticed that as I process my own journey, I see myself as less envious and instead more grateful for what I’ve accomplished and for moving toward my true values. Beautifully written!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s