Oh lord, hello beautiful everything. It starts like this for me, “I hate that about myself,” “Lets find something amazing and beautiful about it to love,” “Cool!” “Wait, now I have the opposite problem” “That’s still amazing too” “Crap.” “What do I do!?!?!?” This is basically me as a child and hating the fact that I wasn’t magically born with a certain set of skills, such as being strong. (My child and teenage brain thought that you had to be magically born that way and you couldn’t do anything to change it.) Well, I’m still not strong but I finally turned it around in my head to make it into a good thing. Being strong only really meant something when I was younger because I did gymnastics but I was tall and 12 and in the same level as 5 year olds because I wasn’t strong enough to do a thing on the bars. (fyi to illustrate how serious i am about being 12 and them all being five, we used to run around in circles first of all, and I had to run barley lifting my legs because I thought I would kick whoever was behind me in the face). Anyway, still to this day I am kind of ashamed to say that I was 12 and in level 1 and 2. I am able though finally to believe that it really wasn’t my lack of skills in everything, since I could do things in high levels on the floor, I just had the problem with balance and strength. So when I am ashamed of how low I was on the levels, I think of a way to counter that like, “well it actually is a funny story,” or “people might think it is endearing how much I screw up.” But now that I’m older and have been doing yoga, I can get strong, and can be more balanced again. I now know I can make myself that way instead of being born that way, and then I think of, but wait, I saw that girl in yoga class on television that kept falling and it looked so cute even though it wasn’t perfect. Now which one do I want!? Well, now I’ll find the beauty in this “problem” i have of seeing everything beautiful…the possibilities are now, literally and completely endless!
“this morning Jack found a rainbow on the wall. I honestly couldn’t figure out where it was coming from which according to science means ti’s some sort of portal. You ever see Stargate? Exactly. We were careful not to get too close. I snapped this photo and it dawned on me how much Jack looks like Anna. They are both so beautiful. Sleeping in with the two of them is my greatest treasure.” This is a quote from Chris Pratt. He and Anna Faris have been my biggest relationship goals ever. They love each other so much and I love looking at his instagram and seeing his amazingly sweet comments about her and their son. And then I realized simply how easy that must be for him. How easy it must be for them to have this wonderful life. In every picture I see of them together, or just her in general she is so happy. The thing I really notice is her smiling and waving at paparazzi, even though they are probably annoying, but she is not letting them ruin her day. Exhibit A: (picture from denimblog) Seeing someone who I always see in pictures always smiling and being positive has made me feel one way about her, she is the good I can be in recovery. I have been shown how being constantly positive can work in so many ways. I always thought that being positive and giving up anorexia would be just giving up. Like giving up the image I wanted others to have of me so I can be happy. I always knew happiness would be good (obviously) but I always thought I would have a hole inside of me without anorexia. But now I know that I can take a positive attitude, let it make me happy, while also using that as an amazing image for others to have of me. I don’t have to be sick all the time. If all my “friends” are trying to trigger me into the eating disorder more and more, it doesn’t have to be, “Ill be nothing if I don’t have this,” it is, “I can be this instead and it’s so much better!” And I have finally found something that I can control. I used to want to control my life by the eating disorder, but looking at Chris Pratt’s instagram and remembering their beautiful life over the years has made me believe just now that positivity is a great thing to control. I can get triggered and triggered but if I decided to smile through it like Anna Faris does, everything will be amazing. That is a great way to take the high road, a beautiful, perfection, amazing way to take the high road. And while sometimes I think that I can still restrict and smile through it giving me the same affect, I must now start to believe that you can’t be sick and not be sick at the same time. (Picture from eonline) I just added this picture because I think it is the epitome of how amazing positivity can look from the outside as well as the inside.
Try everything, this is the main thing I can say to you. sometimes with life, like, I think, everyone, I get bored. My therapist would tell me every session that I needed something in life to look forward to in my future in order to want to recover from anorexia. I needed someone else to be. I needed to like myself for something else besides this falsehood of control I thought anorexia was giving me. I needed to have something to do so I wouldn’t be bored and settle on not eating. I got a job at a bakery. I hate baking. I don’t say this as, I hated baking until I got a job at a bakery. No, despite this picture I have up, I still despise baking. However, I have fun at my job now. This might seem like obviously that I love baking now, but honestly, I like the end product, I like the fact that I can make something, because I love being creative. But still, if I had to bake something at home, I wouldn’t really enjoy it. But getting this job I realized that I just need to keep trying new things, and I never learned that telling people I make doughnuts and things like this is actually something they admire and think is cool despite not making a lot of money. I didn’t realize I would care about what they would look like. The picture I have is of bear claws I made last night. I wanted to also post a picture of the last time I made bear claws (hot mess) but the picture is on my phone and my phone is dying and I don’t feel like charging it. BUT I’m making progress and I’m happy about it, even though I don’t like baking, but it made me realize that I can turn any situation around into making it correlate with things I like, like being creative. I just thought I would post this picture because it just shows hope I guess. Like I was bored with everything and now I am sharing with people a journey to finding everything there is to find out of life. Well I guess I’m half sharing since I only have the one picture. (Just image the same picture but each one like 10 times bigger since I didn’t know there was such thing as a 5inch measurement limit so they looked insanely puffy) (HOWEVER the puffiness (imperfection) of those last bear claws apparently made someone buy them. I heard that someone took one look at those puffy little things and said, “whats that puffy thing!? i want it!”)
Apparently there is going to be an eating recovery day…may 3rd. When we already have an eating disorder awareness week. This is another recipe for people to glamorize eating disorders by posting numbers. This is what happens every time. Every neda awareness week. Everything around me is flooded with calorie talk, transformations, weights, number of hospitalizations. I think if eating disorder places want to be helpful, instead of just creating a day or a week dedicated to recovery, they should tell the whole world that numbers and things like that are not helpful, and if they see people talking about calories and things like that, it is a recipe for relapse or an eating disorder to start. If I were creating this day, I would make an article that said something like this, “May 3rd is national eating recovery day! Many people suffer from this deadly illness, but this is not a day for sufferers to talk about numbers, it’s a day to talk about positivity. It’s not a day to talk about where you were at, it’s a day to talk about where you are now. Your story is not more or less important because of numbers or because of the past. The story is not about being the best at this disease, it’s about being fabulous at getting better. Talk of calories and weight and hospitalizations, not only is triggering, it robs so many people of a day that could be filled with positivity.” When I see calorie numbers in recovery, I want to go back to that. When I see calorie numbers when I am sick, I don’t care, because I’m sick, and I can do whatever I want, and I don’t care what happens. But when you are trying to be positive and get well, the calories talk makes me want to stop getting well, and makes me want to get back to those few calories again, and seeing an email about an eating recovery day should not have filled me with dread. I may still be sick at the moment, but I’m not as sick as I was. Even though I’m sick, I want to get better, and I don’t want to be triggered and I am trying to not use behavior, whereas last year, like I said, triggers were there, but I could do whatever I wanted so it doesn’t affect me as much as it does when I’m trying to remain recovered or trying to get to that place.
I’ve been doing well this week. Tonight though, I was having some trouble and my mom needed me to do something for her. I didn’t think I could walk very well so I had to eat more than I felt I could. Yes, I spent the rest of the day with this on my mind. It’s still on my mind. For about 2 hours I was only thinking of it. Wanting it to be tomorrow to start again, wanting to take it back, getting mad so easily because I wanted to cry over the stress of eating. But then, while I am still guilty, I realized that I can’t deal with it until tomorrow. Restricting tomorrow it not a good thing to do, but I cannot dwell on what I did today because it won’t change a thing. Actually it will change a thing. If I kept dwelling, i’m not sure I would have laughed as hard as I did today. I was watching a video on youtube and I just found it hilarious! I laughed in a way that I laugh when I watch REALLY funny videos, or when I’m slap happy with my friends and start laughing hysterically. It was like those times when my mom is in bed and I try so hard to stay quiet but I end up wailing, and she wakes and asks what I’m laughing about. I remember the time I was watching the Oscars in my room and my mom was asleep and this guy said, “I should have got a hair cut.”It was the very first thing he said in his speech and I couldn’t contain myself. It took me probably over 5 minutes to tell my mom what I was laughing at because I couldn’t talk. So edwardo, could you have given me that tonight? if I kept up with your stupid rules could I have laughed like that!? I don’t think so! Thank you the fighting version of myself, I liked what happened tonight. 🙂
Dear anyone suffering from me, (ed)
I am sorry for putting those horrible words and thoughts into your head. I was formed by society and what started as an insecurity started to turn evil and eventually I tried to kill you. I am sorry I have almost cost you your life multiple times. I thought I was trying to help, but now that I have seen you smile in recovery, I realize that controlling your life with food isn’t the way to get to all the things that make you smile when you tell me to shut up. I don’t blame you for telling me to shut up. I don’t blame you for hating me. You have every right to hate me. I am just a stupid, pathetic eating disorder. The only thing that needs to feel ashamed and insecure is me, the eating disorder. And remember, you are not me, you are not the eating disorder, therefore you do not need to feel ashamed along with me. I told you lies and you can only listen to them so much before you start to believe them. It’s natural to listen to things over and over that so many people are saying then start to believe them. I doesn’t make you crazy. I am the crazy one for trying to get innocent people to hurt themselves. Society is the crazy one. We are one in the same, society and me. I am going to leave you alone now. I know how relieved you will be without me. You will never have to worry about calories, you won’t have to hide, you won’t have to lie. I know how awful it feels to lie, I am the biggest liar of them all, and I have caused you to lie. Don’t feel bad about your lies, I am an awful entity, and I told you, you had no choice but to lie. No one blames you. I know you can never forgive me, but I want you to know that I am sorry. I will leave you alone forever. I’m going to go now, I’m going to go work on my attitude.
The eating disorders
I work at a bakery part time and I make doughnuts. I don’t at all care about baking, but I loved the idea of working at night so I could stay with my puppy during the day and he can sleep while I’m working at night. However, a physical job, standing the entire time does not mix welwith something with an eating disorder. Sometimes I don’t know how I get through the night. Then on top of that my back hurts so incredibly bad. My back hurting is the biggest problem. I can fight through feeling weak and sick and stuff but my back is what causes me to want to get out of there and sit down as fast as I can. Now I’m not sure if my eating disorder has to play with this back pain (it probably does though) and tonight I went to work almost 100% pain free. My mom has been helping me eat, and I think that definitely changed things around. I was able to take my time. Again, I don’t care at all about baking, and getting a job baking still doesn’t make me like it a lot, but when you think about it, when i really looked at my finished products, it’s not something everyone else can do. When I first walked in there I couldn’t believe they would hire someone with no experience to make these complicated looking things. But now I know. You can find anything good in anything. I ate, so my back didn’t hurt, (I think that is connected) and I was able to stay in the moment instead of wanting to get done so I could sit down. I looked down and saw something lovely. Something not everyone can do. It got me excited about everything else in the world I can learn and make myself better and better and do things not everyone on the planet can do. In this picture, I messed up this jelly roll. I put too much jelly in it. But I still got excited to try it again next time. To make it better, I am very excited! Then I realized, if it was “perfect” to begin with, then I wouldn’t have anything to get excited about in the future. It would always be the same perfect jelly roll every single day, day after day. Instead of a journey from a cute little messed up jelly roll, to the best one I can possibly make. And guess what!? My little thing that I can do has to do with food! This is the first step to taking control back from my eating disorder. Today I have turned the enemy of food into a way to set myself apart from the rest with a little skill I have. Anyone can make their days enjoyable. You just have to flip your mind. What does your job or your training let you do that others cannot or an experience you have that others may not get?