I walked into breakfast and was laughing so hard that I told an extremely funny worker that I couldn’t ever sit at the table with her anymore because I laugh too hard and then I cannot complete. I told a stupid story and i was crying from laughter and a worker asked if my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. The extremely funny worker was going around the room and asking us fun facts about ourself. When she called on me I looked at her and smiled big. She said my face could be a meme for “I like to smile, smilings my favorite.” She asked for a fun fact and I said “I like to smile smilings my favorite.” I googled some new table games and we played some, despite one of them not being a very pleasant experience. We tried word sneak from jimmy Fallon. The only good sentences that came out of that were “remember that Hannah Montana episode where there were ducks and they were like quacking.” And then “I wouldn’t want to be an animal because they cannot wear lipstick!” Guess what though! I still feel there is room for improvement for tomorrow 🙂
I was able to turn a negetavite day yesterday into a positive one today even though I was scared to do it. I wrote positive things about my day. I arrived and by the first 45 minutes I was already in a very bad mood. But then I realized how being negative didn’t help me yesterday, but I felt like I was stuck in it. Like I had blown my chance of connecting with people here because now I’m bringing everyone down and trying to smile again would just look pathetic. Well I tried it anyway. I participated in games unlike last night where I sat there without talking. I went to check in and talked without being called on which was unheard of from last year. I just remembered how a new staff member said she didn’t know me last year but she said in a positive way that I am participating, and it felt good to hear, I didn’t want to ruin that. I made a risk just for the goal of staying positive. Because of participating, the people who are running the groups feel like they are doing a good job. Today, I have been more out of my thoughts and, in just doing that I feel like I have found my true personality. Normally when I like my personality I tell myself that I am just forcing myself to act like that because that’s how I want to act. But today it felt natural which made me believe it’s true. This is from staying out of my head today. Then We did a body image activity. We talked about what we liked about our body and what our body does for us. This is where the kneecaps come in! I was trying to find something fun about this so I wrote about something Miley Cyrus said on a talk show. She sees Seth rogans face in her knee caps! Therefore I have something to look forward to in my body since I haven’t done this yet and her kneecaps have changed and evolved from another face. Today is just like yesterday. I do not feel connected to this group of girls yet. But today I participated. I didn’t necessarily try to talk to them one on one like I was doing, but I helped them and myself by using my knowledge in groups and I played games. I’m not going to quit just because I am feeling ignored. I will not sulk either. I am just going to do what I need to do. Luckily it is getting better. And it only got better as I completed meals today and smiled.i also made my first gratitude list of my life and on there was that I found dory!!!! She’s in the picture of the fish tank I swear! My goal for tomorrow is to continue smiling and participating and try to reconnect with the group! FYI yes I do still have trouble with what I love about my body despite this time around my eating disorder was not as much about body image as it was control.
Yet also it is a good thing. I keep telling myself that if I do not finish meals like I want to, then it will trigger the others around me. When I feel that happens I get anxious. Last night I became so anxious that I physically felt awful and couldn’t finish my meal. I had an intention of restricting, which led to anxiety, which led to wanting to finish my meal, but the anxiety wouldn’t allow it. After that I couldn’t finish boost and I had to fill out an accountability form. I felt like a child. Like I need to stop being stupid. Not being positive is getting to me. Not being able to finish boost made me upset and negative last night and all day today from not being able to play with my dog last night. Not finishing a meal never hurt so bad. It was always the opposite. Eating was always the painful thing. I am grateful that I learned the value of positivity before I came. I was very positive when I got here which is much more than I think I can say for last year. I’m going back into negetavity but luckily I hate it this time. I usually don’t care but now I see how awful it seems. I hated that I cried today. But it’s ok. I hope I can get back on track tomorrow. I will see the nurse and ask her the questions that’s have been bothering me for 2 days and upsetting me. The other lucky thing is that even without a smile on my face in groups, I am still talking without being called on. I must remember to keep that up. If tomorrow comes and I cannot run in the room and jump and say “hey guys!” Then I need to remember to at least participate and smile. Participate in the table games without being prompted even though sometimes I believe no one wants me to play. My only worry is that I lost everybody in the past 2 days of my negetavity. It’s like I feel if I smile again or get back to my normal self it will look weird as I was crying the day before. Well I guess I will find out tomorrow. I cannot solve this problem now 🙂
Many things happened today. For one, Ed got very strong yesterday evening despite a whole day of complete and utter motivation. I didn’t eat much of my lunch and for the first time since I’ve arrived, I boosted, which normally makes me feel very sick, which, of course, it did. LUCKILY it passed much quicker than it normally does. Also SILVER LINING there is a nurses office so if I ever need to I can go in there. It’s always weird to run out of a room right after meals in treatment because you are not supposed to be alone 30 minutes or so afterwards. Then we did exposure. We are supposed to make our own exposure activity. This is where recovery hit me. I was thinking about moving my car from the parking garage (That normally has a small amount of cars whenever I get there or leave) to the top level where everyone else normally parks. I do not park near cars because I cannot back out well and I fear I will hit their car. Because this is not something I avoid 100% (more like 90%) it wasn’t a good fit, so I tried something else. I was thinking of something minor, or something ed related. I couldn’t think of anything ed related to do at that moment that I don’t do every day in treatment already. I had something in the back of my mind but I “knew” I wasn’t going to do it. I was trying to find something else minor, like my non-recovery focused mind would normally do, but then I decided I really, really want something out of this. This is a very different mindset from every other time. I decided to talk about my relapse. My exposure is eventually leading up to a confrontation to a person who triggered me into a relapse but this week, everyone started small (Unless they have been starting small and were starting to work up with their own exposures). My small version of this was telling my therapist. I wanted to talk to her to tell her what happened but I was afraid of being viewed as crazy for being so triggered by certain people’s actions when no one else seemed bothered. Whenever I get triggered but others around me are smiling, I decide that I’m just crazy and I shouldn’t voice my feelings to my therapist. WRONG! SILVER LINING! I finally opened up about it. I’m still not at all finished with talking about it, but I am so GLAD that I have started. I want to talk about my feelings more with my therapist and I am finally getting this thing behind me. That thing that would wander into my memory after many meals in recovery. “Why did you eat that? Don’t you remember what those people said to you? Maybe you shouldn’t eat ever again.” Anyway, the final thing I want to talk about is dinner. I went in and I was debating what to do most of the meal. I was eating it and it tasted fine but when I start restricting but no one else at the table does, I start to get anxious (therefore when others start restricting and I don’t then I get triggered. See, restricting only causes problems, not solves them, Sydney). That anxiety was making me feel nauseous and this meal I normally do not like unless I am very hungry, so the anxiety was causing the gross taste of the meal to come back considering I didn’t really feel hungry for food anymore. The counselor looked at me and told me I could do it. A girl across the table from me nodded in encouragement. Why does that help me so much? People do this all the time to me and it really does help so much. I can’t remember what really happened but I think I decided to eat it because she encouraged me, or we started playing a game and I got distracted, though I think it was a combination of both. They encouraged me and the game took my mind off the anxiety of guilt to come I believed. The counselor is so funny and I was laughing really really hard. Guess what. I’m pretty sure, in that moment that, that food was sitting on my plate ready to sadly be restricted, the amount of time I laughed, is EXACTLY how long it took me to eat what I did of it. When I processed afterwards I was honest. I said I was having trouble with ed thoughts but then I was planning on finishing it with the games distraction. Unfortunately the taste of the food and the fact that my appetite was gone, I left a few bites that I had to boost for. But the counselor said something really nice, and I think it had something to do with how strong I was or something. That has never seemed like such a compliment. 🙂 I have this blog and the people who read it to thank for that. ❤
I was having a good day because I was so distracted. I’m struggling a lot tonight but I am remaining positive! Today we listened to a song someone picked out for us to listen to. It was a song that had lyrics like, “Keep your head up, everything’s going to be fine.” This just made me feel like I don’t want to be seen as sad. I just do not want people to tell me to keep my head up and that everything will be fine. This is because I feel like everything is fine. I feel like even when I’m starving and feeling awful, I can still smile and I can still love on my dog and I can feel happy. Obviously I’m much happier when I’m not in my eating disorder however. Maybe I’m in denial. I feel like I don’t need someone to tell me everything is going to be fine, because I think everything is always fine no matter what. But when you have an eating disorder (The denial part right now literally just left me) you are not fine. Everything is not fine no matter what when you have an eating disorder, and you need people to tell you to keep your head up and that everything is going to be fine. Today this song reminded me of the big reason for recovery which is my mom. I don’t want her to look at me and be sad by me needing people to say, “Keep your head up, everything’s going to be fine.” Parents only want their children to be happy, and I feel like I’m not doing that, because even if I think I’m happy, I’m obviously very, very sick, and I could be much happier and obviously healthier. This is big for me since I’m an only child. I feel like my mom might think, “The only shot I had at a child is a sad one.” When that’s not it at all! Yes, I am very sick and have been, but while it really does mean I’m not as happy as I could be, it also means I enjoy life and just because I am sick doesn’t mean I cannot be happy a lot of the time. Maybe physically it sucks so much but it doesn’t mean I cannot find a smidge of happiness in my day. Maybe I’ll think of that as the moments of when no one needs to tell me to keep my head up even if it is just for a second 🙂 I just want my mom to know that I’m not the typical recipient of “Keep your head up, everythings going to be fine,” and this song today helped me realize that. It helped me realize yet another amazing thing in recovery.
Even if the negativity continues. I stepped out of my car of the parking garage to my first day of php and I dropped my phone and the glass shattered. Silver lining! Only a line of the glass part I use is cracked a little. It’s still completely functional! Then my day only got worse. That means with 2 bad things already that it must keep getting worse right? Or everything else that is bad today will seem only ok in comparison right?! NO! I was told that I must do 11 hours 7 days a week. I told them I really needed reduced hours and my therapist said maybe a week but my psychiatrist said she couldn’t even promise 2 weeks. But then things looked up. The people here are vey nice and I like the new workers. While we were doing an exercise we had to write down 3 things about something. One of them related to what the group leader therapist had just been talking to us about and the others were random things that related to other skills. As I sat there I remembered how I want to be positive. The leader told us to share 1 out of 3 and I chose to share the one that had to do with what we were talking about earlier so our leader could feel like I took something away from it. Also I found a very neat quote “it’s better to be the one who smiled than the one who didn’t smile back.” Meals were hard today but I completed them! I am upset that I cannot have reduced hours right away but it’s only temporary! Thank you all for your support!
Nerves and headaches have plagued me all afternoon. I am very nervous because of past experiences. When you go into treatment for an eating disorder you are expected to eat 100% of your meal.This is hard for one main reason. for me, sometimes the thought that I must eat all of this in order to be discharged causes so much anxiety that I lose my appetite completely, and am too full before I have completed.When I have my thoughts under control, I want to complete, but entering the kitchen is sometimes scary with those thoughts. Then, drinking boost if I cannot complete is another story as it tastes horrid to me, and it makes me sick most of the time, or at least feel very very sick. The problem with this all happening in these type of places is that these are things that some people do on purpose, and I admit, I obviously have refused meals at places like this before, but when I say it’s because I feel too full to finish, I am telling the truth, but I do know that some people do not believe me. I am going to let myself be anxious tonight and tomorrow. I am going to sleep off my pain and discomfort and no matter what happens I am going to be strong. It makes it less nerve racking for me to know that I can go in there, drink a boost and feel horrible, but I can do it with a smile which makes it a smidgen better. I can either get upset over this and frown, or I can be strong, the way I want to be. And all that requires in this situation is to just smile, or not break down. even though it is definitely okay to break down, I just want to be strong.