I was able to turn a negetavite day yesterday into a positive one today even though I was scared to do it. I wrote positive things about my day. I arrived and by the first 45 minutes I was already in a very bad mood. But then I realized how being negative didn’t help me yesterday, but I felt like I was stuck in it. Like I had blown my chance of connecting with people here because now I’m bringing everyone down and trying to smile again would just look pathetic. Well I tried it anyway. I participated in games unlike last night where I sat there without talking. I went to check in and talked without being called on which was unheard of from last year. I just remembered how a new staff member said she didn’t know me last year but she said in a positive way that I am participating, and it felt good to hear, I didn’t want to ruin that. I made a risk just for the goal of staying positive. Because of participating, the people who are running the groups feel like they are doing a good job. Today, I have been more out of my thoughts and, in just doing that I feel like I have found my true personality. Normally when I like my personality I tell myself that I am just forcing myself to act like that because that’s how I want to act. But today it felt natural which made me believe it’s true. This is from staying out of my head today. Then We did a body image activity. We talked about what we liked about our body and what our body does for us. This is where the kneecaps come in! I was trying to find something fun about this so I wrote about something Miley Cyrus said on a talk show. She sees Seth rogans face in her knee caps! Therefore I have something to look forward to in my body since I haven’t done this yet and her kneecaps have changed and evolved from another face. Today is just like yesterday. I do not feel connected to this group of girls yet. But today I participated. I didn’t necessarily try to talk to them one on one like I was doing, but I helped them and myself by using my knowledge in groups and I played games. I’m not going to quit just because I am feeling ignored. I will not sulk either. I am just going to do what I need to do. Luckily it is getting better. And it only got better as I completed meals today and smiled.i also made my first gratitude list of my life and on there was that I found dory!!!! She’s in the picture of the fish tank I swear! My goal for tomorrow is to continue smiling and participating and try to reconnect with the group! FYI yes I do still have trouble with what I love about my body despite this time around my eating disorder was not as much about body image as it was control.
Yet also it is a good thing. I keep telling myself that if I do not finish meals like I want to, then it will trigger the others around me. When I feel that happens I get anxious. Last night I became so anxious that I physically felt awful and couldn’t finish my meal. I had an intention of restricting, which led to anxiety, which led to wanting to finish my meal, but the anxiety wouldn’t allow it. After that I couldn’t finish boost and I had to fill out an accountability form. I felt like a child. Like I need to stop being stupid. Not being positive is getting to me. Not being able to finish boost made me upset and negative last night and all day today from not being able to play with my dog last night. Not finishing a meal never hurt so bad. It was always the opposite. Eating was always the painful thing. I am grateful that I learned the value of positivity before I came. I was very positive when I got here which is much more than I think I can say for last year. I’m going back into negetavity but luckily I hate it this time. I usually don’t care but now I see how awful it seems. I hated that I cried today. But it’s ok. I hope I can get back on track tomorrow. I will see the nurse and ask her the questions that’s have been bothering me for 2 days and upsetting me. The other lucky thing is that even without a smile on my face in groups, I am still talking without being called on. I must remember to keep that up. If tomorrow comes and I cannot run in the room and jump and say “hey guys!” Then I need to remember to at least participate and smile. Participate in the table games without being prompted even though sometimes I believe no one wants me to play. My only worry is that I lost everybody in the past 2 days of my negetavity. It’s like I feel if I smile again or get back to my normal self it will look weird as I was crying the day before. Well I guess I will find out tomorrow. I cannot solve this problem now 🙂
I was having a good day because I was so distracted. I’m struggling a lot tonight but I am remaining positive! Today we listened to a song someone picked out for us to listen to. It was a song that had lyrics like, “Keep your head up, everything’s going to be fine.” This just made me feel like I don’t want to be seen as sad. I just do not want people to tell me to keep my head up and that everything will be fine. This is because I feel like everything is fine. I feel like even when I’m starving and feeling awful, I can still smile and I can still love on my dog and I can feel happy. Obviously I’m much happier when I’m not in my eating disorder however. Maybe I’m in denial. I feel like I don’t need someone to tell me everything is going to be fine, because I think everything is always fine no matter what. But when you have an eating disorder (The denial part right now literally just left me) you are not fine. Everything is not fine no matter what when you have an eating disorder, and you need people to tell you to keep your head up and that everything is going to be fine. Today this song reminded me of the big reason for recovery which is my mom. I don’t want her to look at me and be sad by me needing people to say, “Keep your head up, everything’s going to be fine.” Parents only want their children to be happy, and I feel like I’m not doing that, because even if I think I’m happy, I’m obviously very, very sick, and I could be much happier and obviously healthier. This is big for me since I’m an only child. I feel like my mom might think, “The only shot I had at a child is a sad one.” When that’s not it at all! Yes, I am very sick and have been, but while it really does mean I’m not as happy as I could be, it also means I enjoy life and just because I am sick doesn’t mean I cannot be happy a lot of the time. Maybe physically it sucks so much but it doesn’t mean I cannot find a smidge of happiness in my day. Maybe I’ll think of that as the moments of when no one needs to tell me to keep my head up even if it is just for a second 🙂 I just want my mom to know that I’m not the typical recipient of “Keep your head up, everythings going to be fine,” and this song today helped me realize that. It helped me realize yet another amazing thing in recovery.
Today is Sunday at 2:30 am. This is my last day before I go to treatment for 11 hours a day. (Or 6 if I can beg to get that) I went to see my dietician and told her that as soon as I go in, I’m going to ask them about 6 hours and if they say no just let them know that i am so ready for recovery that if they will not let me I’ll just tell them I’m going to discharge myself in a month or so from 11 hours to nothing basically because I have a life which is different from last time. Last year I was going in with every intention of relapsing the moment I left. However my dietician snapped some sense into me and told me that, that is not the best way to go about things and is not a good way, like I thought it was, to let them know how ready for recovery I am. That is perhaps that last way, as I am basically saying that I am not willing to stay for the amount of time I need in order to get well. This is becuase getting well fully means putting your life on hold, not doing a superficial job just to get out sooner. At first, this disconcerted me as I thought finally having a life and dreams means wellness, but that is the beginning of all the wellness. Basically this means to me that I have entered treatment without the beginning of what is required for treatment in the past. No the beginning of treatment is not stepping foot into a center all of the time and beginning to eat. A large portion of the time it must start in your mind. This is something to tell people who don’t understand that eating disorders are mental llnesses. The disease begins in your mind, therefore the recovery must originate from there as well.
I have recently been trying to broaden the experiences i am having in my life and when I am finished with treatment I have found something amazing, and it seems to me as amazing as being an astronaut, but it’s volunteer work. It is to go to an animal shelter and photograph dogs for websites in order to get them adopted. I have already signed up for this and I since I am not a certified photographer it might be harder than I thought to do this, as I also haven’t heard back yet. But because of this, it feels like something I have to work for, but it’s ok because I want to do it so bad! It sounds amazing! Here is a lovely picture I took of my dogs. who wouldn’t adopt these angels!? But seriously, they are mine, no taking them.
But why isn’t it!? I uploaded this, accidentally deleted it, and can’t find it in my drafts so I must re-type it as best I can. This is just for you lovely people a bunch of people saying no, in a way that shows we can all do it. I used to think saying no made me bad or awkward, but now I realize that saying yes to everything, especially when you aren’t saying it with a light in your eyes, is more awkward, at least in me. My problem, I’m not sure about others, but has always been how I would look like saying no. Like I feel like I would coil myself away and cower in fear while saying no, so why on earth would i ever say that when I could say yes with a smile and only an emptiness in my eyes? But then I realized that people can tell when you really want to say no, on me, it looks worse because sometimes I have said yes in such a depressed manner that people have actually looked at me with pity and said, “You know what, it’s ok, you don’t have to.” But also, saying no to the eating disorder makes you a warrior and I never understood how much I love being that until recently. You can make a game out of saying no to the eating disorder. Pretend you’re going to say yes, then laugh it it’s face when you made it gullible enough to believe you are still going to listen, then just say no. There will be a light in your eyes this time, I assure you. You will not coil away now, or from your own reflection later, I promise you.
You can also be condescending to this bully. Like, “Of course not eating disorder, what you are trying to get me to do is dangerous, and why on earth would you be so naive enough to ever think I would keep doing such a thing!?” I write this because I have realized how much nicer it is for yourself and your self-esteem to not let people walk all over you, especially something that is not even a person, but an entity that is destroying all of us with eating disorders.
I have an assessment on Wednesday for treatment. I am excited to go because I want to eat, but at the moment I can’t allow myself. I need to be forced, I want to be forced. The want part is something new, and I am so glad I want to be forced. The only thing that needs countering though is a thought Ed is giving me. I feel as though, even though I want to eat, I cannot until I am forced. Like, I know I am going to eat, I know I am going to gain weight, and this is all happening very soon, but the problem that ed has made up and give me is that I would feel guilty if I ate without being forced. Last week I was doing better eating on my own. I felt like, I got this, I don’t need treatment, then I went straight back to restricting once I felt guilty for doing it on my own will. But you know what? The outcome would be the same no matter what. Kind of like the epitome of the eating disorder. You think everything will change, but it doesn’t. Ed says that we will feel better but we don’t, and in this case, I think I will feel better if I don’t eat until I am forced, but it doesn’t matter, because no matter what, I will eat, so why delay it? Why continue worrying my mom and being upset and sad whenever I look at her and my dog for all my disease is causing them. i have about 3 more days, 3 days is a long time if you’re not eating or being miserable about hurting someone, but it will fly by if I enjoy myself, then the forcing part will be around me as soon as I know it. And this time, this will be amazing.