HAAAAAPPY

Maybe I shouldn’t be? A treatment center is calling me tomorrow to get me in. For the first time though I saw my therapist and told her I want to eat so I want to go. Normally I don’t want to eat and I don’t want to be forced to. However, I am ready for recovery so much more than I ever have but I just need a push. I am ready to find even more to life than I ever have in the past few weeks. Nothing is fun when you are depriving yourself of things you need, but the eating disorder is strong and it’s hard to get myself to eat, so, if I want all the things I know I want, then I need some help. The problem now is I am so much better mentally despite still restricting, but I have so much hope for the future and it just sucks having your therapist and family look at you like you’re sad and dying, when I’m not sad. I’m really happy with everything I have found out about my future lately but obviously not eating really takes a toll on that. I was able to push myself to eat. I had a moment where I was ready to eat. In my mind I knew I would change my mind in a moment and I probably would regret it after, but I walked super fast to the kitchen and ate before I changed my mind. I remember afterwards sitting on the couch telling myself I needed to occupy my mind before any negative thoughts come up because I cannot deal with them. This is the first time this has happened. Normally, I let negative thoughts consume me and I don’t try to fight them. If I ate more than I wanted I tell myself it was stupid and it needs to be tomorrow so I can restrict again. But this wasn’t like that. Yes I still have urges for tomorrow and regretting it today but I was able for about 2 hours to occupy my mind with something other than eating disorder voices. We will see what happens tomorrow with this phone call but my therapist is not really pleased with where I am at physically right now, and obviously mentally even though I think I am in a much better place than normal. In my head I need a push, not extreme help like I know she and my mom think, but I can prove them wrong as well, but I have to make ed shut it first 🙂giphy-2

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