I have been trying to get into treatment lately and I want to update on my progress with trying to find a shorter php program so I can stay with school, my dog and my job that I finally like. But while it wasn’t negative, it just wasn’t me trying to help people and being positive, and I was BORED.
It reminded me of the last blog I had that I quit. I ONLY talked about my struggles and my story, but I wasn’t nearly the place I am today. My last blog was around the time I thought my therapist was crazy to tell me that I could find something in my future to look forward to besides paying bills and dying. she told me that things would be better when I got a job. At the time of my last blog I thought I would hate whatever job I had unless it was a receptionist at a vet’s office, and I kept trying but I never got the job. TODAY in this blog, I have a job at bakery that I never thought I would like, but I’m starting to love. She used to tell me I could do whatever I wanted like move wherever I wanted to go. During the time of my last blog I thought about how I didn’t want to go anywhere. Well, I did, but I just wanted out of Ohio but nothing made me especially excited about going somewhere to live. BUT NOW I have written a blog about how excited I am to move to Oregon and it makes me want to get better a big part for that reason! I wanted something fun to do but talking about how much you’re struggling isn’t fun. At least for me. And in that blog, I just got bored out of my mind writing about struggles, and this post I cannot type fast enough. I have written truths about finding things to do with my life like writing snail mail letters to friends even though email exists. This blog I have met amazing people and I have been having so much joy out of giving advice and reading their posts and my last blog consisted of no followers because I didn’t share it anywhere, not even on the website. I promised myself I would share it someday, but it is deleted now and I have this positive blog that has given me more than I ever thought it could. When I first started I was bored and I didn’t think it would last until the positive posts started coming along. If I hadn’t found this purpose of positive writing and helping others with eating disorders or depression I might have still had the same type of blog I had a few months ago, an alone, negative type of blog and that didn’t help me nor anyone else even if I did share it. ANYWAY I also wanted to add something differently positive to this. I finally recognize the help I need. After really, really knowing that treatment is right around the corner, I have decided that I can’t do this anymore, I can’t stop resisting treatment or eating so I must do it. It has been going better this week with eating but despite how much I want to (more than I ever have in my life) sometimes I still cannot, so therefore I know today that I need some help. And now I’m ready for it 🙂 Yes I am still very, very upset about the people who tried to trigger me into my eating disorder. The girls who would laugh about their behaviors and talk about them like they were amazing things to do. That is my biggest struggle, still remembering those girls act like behaviors are good things. But what I saw after that was some girl sitting next to a friend and curling up in a ball crying on the couch. Those are the things I need to remember. And know to everyone that smiling looks so much better than that.And like I have said before, you cannot be sick and not be sick at the same time. If this person seems to be happy and positive while trying to trigger behaviors at the same time, everyone sees through it. Because it’s not ok to bring people down like that even if a smile is involved. Smiles must be authentic and derived from positivity.