I don’t like writing on this blog unless it’s to express things that I think need to change when it comes to anything eating disorder related or positivity or ways to help others so I will be bored writing this post again just giving an update, but like I said, sharing my story is another way to let go. However, being positive is definitely a bigger help to me so I can add some positive junk in with this little sweet (positive word added :)) update! So, i have gotten to the point where treatment is here and I must go. This time around though on a more positive note, I have so much going for me, that I actually want to get help this time and Im NOT feeling like I’m being forced. I have so much going for me that I don’t want to do a full day of PHP for 11 hours or inpatient, I just want to do longer than iop cause even I know that won’t work, but I need it shorter than PHP. My therapist and dietitian have decided to let me go to the place I was at before. I am happy because I need to talk to people about what happened to me there. Things were happening at that place that I never told anyone. People were talking about things that were against the rules while I was there, and when they were there and I had just been discharged saying triggering things that we’re told on multiple occasions were against the rules. I never told anyone though but now I’m in such a much better place I can talk about it now. I talk about it all the time with my therapist because, fresh out of treatment after months in it, I was fragile and only a lucky incident turned me around into recovery. Then the same things that happened to me at the beginning of my stay at the treatment center began happening again in a much worse way. I talk to my therapist about it but I can never be satisfied with it until someone from there knows what happened. Knows what they were saying to some of us. Like I have said in previous blogs, I never told anyone because no one else seemed bothered, so I thought I was crazy to be triggered so I plastered on a smile, until my dietian said, “You saw them smiling when they were doing this, but you were smiling too, they saw you smiling too, so they must have thought they would be crazy to be triggered too.” My old therapist has emailed me and invited me to an alumni event that I didn’t even email her back about because I can’t even think about that place. It’s not the staffs fault, because they have super strict rules, just a few girls were able to talk about it outside of the walls, or when we were alone. This is the reason for my relapse, being triggered so much, so I think going to this place and talking about it at the place where it all happened will end up helping so much. I do not want to email my old therapist about this because it is too personal and I just want to talk in person about it. Waiting for the email back would be torture. I don’t want to get anyone in trouble still, which was my first problem as one of the reasons I didn’t say anything. I don’t want to get it traced back to me, but I’m starting to not at all care. I am MAD. Anyway, I emailed them but they won’t be able to talk to me on the weekend. I have been doing better with eating this week considering how desperate I am to not be forced to 11 hours. I feel like my behaviors and things like that will be a automatic 11 hour a day program so I’m trying to tone it down and it has worked really well! UNTIL, the freaking waiting portion happened. I decided to try to help myself before treatment on Monday when I was told it was definitely going to happen, but I didn’t know it was going to be not until the weekend that I would be able to speak to someone, and that I would have to wait over a week to get in. I woke up this morning dreadful about wanting to do behaviors but also thinking about the 11 hours and giving up my life. I guess that’s just when you know you need extra support!