Not eating a (blank) is horrible instead

I must explain that I say the word blank instead of the real food because I don’t want others to feel the way I felt about this food when someone said it wasn’t good to eat it. I almost used (beep) instead of blank, but obviously nothing to do with food is a curse word) Once upon a time I was in treatment and I ate a (blank). I was having a lot of trouble with feeling full after meals and was trying to find something smaller that would count as a full exchange. (Aw, look at ed making excuses, no I probably just really wanted a damn (blank)) Honestly, (blanks) made their way into that treatment center. Is there a metal detector like thing that stops (blanks) or any kind of typical fear food from entering the building of a place with people with eating disorders? No. There is a reason (blanks) were in that kitchen. And that means that they are not going to kill us. It means that just because some person considers them a fear food doesn’t mean everyone else will. A little while after breakfast we went to group and a girl said, “I can’t eat a (blank).”This is something that has haunted me so much after it happened. We have been told time and time again that food talk is off limits. Hence why I will not say the name of this food. This might seem like an exaggeration…I was once told to stop for saying butter in spanish. I am grateful for this now so I can prove my point. People got in trouble all the time for saying even the word of a food item, and I wish this carried on to this moment. I sat there and didn’t do anything. If it was today I would have lifted my arms up in frustration or walked out of the room and talked to my therapist and made sure I was able to talk to this girl about what she said and how it made me feel after I just ate something she said she could never eat. And she didn’t say she wouldn’t, she said she couldn’t, like (blanks) are physically horribly possible to eat. This has eaten me up for so long until today. I have been trying hard to eat before I go into treatment. I was eating today but I wasn’t going to eat this particular thing. But my mom ate it. So I felt horrible for not eating it, I didn’t want my mom to feel bad, or like I felt that day in group. Anorexia, you will not make me fear certain foods. When you make me fear certain foods that my loved ones are ok with eating, this time it doesn’t make me guilty over food itself, it makes me feel guilty for how they must feel. They must feel the way I felt that day. They must look at me being scared to eat the same food they are eating and wonder what is wrong with it. They might wonder what I think of them that they are eating that. No, I will not let you hurt the people I love because you’re a horrible killer. so therefore, sitting there and not eating something the people I love are eating, is just horrible. I must be hurting them doing that.

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