I have an assessment on Wednesday for treatment. I am excited to go because I want to eat, but at the moment I can’t allow myself. I need to be forced, I want to be forced. The want part is something new, and I am so glad I want to be forced. The only thing that needs countering though is a thought Ed is giving me. I feel as though, even though I want to eat, I cannot until I am forced. Like, I know I am going to eat, I know I am going to gain weight, and this is all happening very soon, but the problem that ed has made up and give me is that I would feel guilty if I ate without being forced. Last week I was doing better eating on my own. I felt like, I got this, I don’t need treatment, then I went straight back to restricting once I felt guilty for doing it on my own will. But you know what? The outcome would be the same no matter what. Kind of like the epitome of the eating disorder. You think everything will change, but it doesn’t. Ed says that we will feel better but we don’t, and in this case, I think I will feel better if I don’t eat until I am forced, but it doesn’t matter, because no matter what, I will eat, so why delay it? Why continue worrying my mom and being upset and sad whenever I look at her and my dog for all my disease is causing them. i have about 3 more days, 3 days is a long time if you’re not eating or being miserable about hurting someone, but it will fly by if I enjoy myself, then the forcing part will be around me as soon as I know it. And this time, this will be amazing.