I was having a good day because I was so distracted. I’m struggling a lot tonight but I am remaining positive! Today we listened to a song someone picked out for us to listen to. It was a song that had lyrics like, “Keep your head up, everything’s going to be fine.” This just made me feel like I don’t want to be seen as sad. I just do not want people to tell me to keep my head up and that everything will be fine. This is because I feel like everything is fine. I feel like even when I’m starving and feeling awful, I can still smile and I can still love on my dog and I can feel happy. Obviously I’m much happier when I’m not in my eating disorder however. Maybe I’m in denial. I feel like I don’t need someone to tell me everything is going to be fine, because I think everything is always fine no matter what. But when you have an eating disorder (The denial part right now literally just left me) you are not fine. Everything is not fine no matter what when you have an eating disorder, and you need people to tell you to keep your head up and that everything is going to be fine. Today this song reminded me of the big reason for recovery which is my mom. I don’t want her to look at me and be sad by me needing people to say, “Keep your head up, everything’s going to be fine.” Parents only want their children to be happy, and I feel like I’m not doing that, because even if I think I’m happy, I’m obviously very, very sick, and I could be much happier and obviously healthier. This is big for me since I’m an only child. I feel like my mom might think, “The only shot I had at a child is a sad one.” When that’s not it at all! Yes, I am very sick and have been, but while it really does mean I’m not as happy as I could be, it also means I enjoy life and just because I am sick doesn’t mean I cannot be happy a lot of the time. Maybe physically it sucks so much but it doesn’t mean I cannot find a smidge of happiness in my day. Maybe I’ll think of that as the moments of when no one needs to tell me to keep my head up even if it is just for a second 🙂 I just want my mom to know that I’m not the typical recipient of “Keep your head up, everythings going to be fine,” and this song today helped me realize that. It helped me realize yet another amazing thing in recovery.