Day 3 was rough but I ended it with laughter and happiness

Many things happened today. For one, Ed got very strong yesterday evening despite a whole day of complete and utter motivation. I didn’t eat much of my lunch and for the first time since I’ve arrived, I boosted, which normally makes me feel very sick, which, of course, it did. LUCKILY it passed much quicker than it normally does. Also SILVER LINING there is a nurses office so if I ever need to I can go in there. It’s always weird to run out of a room right after meals in treatment because you are not supposed to be alone 30 minutes or so afterwards. Then we did exposure. We are supposed to make our own exposure activity. This is where recovery hit me. I was thinking about moving my car from the parking garage (That normally has a small amount of cars whenever I get there or leave) to the top level where everyone else normally parks. I do not park near cars because I cannot back out well and I fear I will hit their car. Because this is not something I avoid 100% (more like 90%) it wasn’t a good fit, so I tried something else. I was thinking of something minor, or something ed related. I couldn’t think of anything ed related to do at that moment that I don’t do every day in treatment already. I had something in the back of my mind but I “knew” I wasn’t going to do it. I was trying to find something else minor, like my non-recovery focused mind would normally do, but then I decided I really, really want something out of this. This is a very different mindset from every other time. I decided to talk about my relapse. My exposure is eventually leading up to a confrontation to a person who triggered me into a relapse but this week, everyone started small (Unless they have been starting small and were starting to work up with their own exposures). My small version of this was telling my therapist. I wanted to talk to her to tell her what happened but I was afraid of being viewed as crazy for being so triggered by certain people’s actions when no one else seemed bothered. Whenever I get triggered but others around me are smiling, I decide that I’m just crazy and I shouldn’t voice my feelings to my therapist. WRONG! SILVER LINING! I finally opened up about it. I’m still not at all finished with talking about it, but I am so GLAD that I have started. I want to talk about my feelings more with my therapist and I am finally getting this thing behind me. That thing that would wander into my memory after many meals in recovery. “Why did you eat that? Don’t you remember what those people said to you? Maybe you shouldn’t eat ever again.” Anyway, the final thing I want to talk about is dinner. I went in and I was debating what to do most of the meal. I was eating it and it tasted fine but when I start restricting but no one else at the table does, I start to get anxious (therefore when others start restricting and I don’t then I get triggered. See, restricting only causes problems, not solves them, Sydney). That anxiety was making me feel nauseous and this meal I normally do not like unless I am very hungry, so the anxiety was causing the gross taste of the meal to come back considering I didn’t really feel hungry for food anymore. The counselor looked at me and told me I could do it. A girl across the table from me nodded in encouragement. Why does that help me so much? People do this all the time to me and it really does help so much. I can’t remember what really happened but I think I decided to eat it because she encouraged me, or we started playing a game and I got distracted, though I think it was a combination of both. They encouraged me and the game took my mind off the anxiety of guilt to come I believed. The counselor is so funny and I was laughing really really hard. Guess what. I’m pretty sure, in that moment that, that food was sitting on my plate ready to sadly be restricted, the amount of time I laughed, is EXACTLY how long it took me to eat what I did of it. When I processed afterwards I was honest. I said I was having trouble with ed thoughts but then I was planning on finishing it with the games distraction. Unfortunately the taste of the food and the fact that my appetite was gone, I left a few bites that I had to boost for. But the counselor said something really nice, and I think it had something to do with how strong I was or something. That has never seemed like such a compliment. 🙂 I have this blog and the people who read it to thank for that. ❤

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