Love of positivity has made for a rough few days

Yet also it is a good thing. I keep telling myself that if I do not finish meals like I want to, then it will trigger the others around me. When I feel that happens I get anxious. Last night I became so anxious that I physically felt awful and couldn’t finish my meal. I had an intention of restricting, which led to anxiety, which led to wanting to finish my meal, but the anxiety wouldn’t allow it. After that I couldn’t finish boost and I had to fill out an accountability form. I felt like a child. Like I need to stop being stupid. Not being positive is getting to me. Not being able to finish boost made me upset and negative last night and all day today from not being able to play with my dog last night. Not finishing a meal never hurt so bad. It was always the opposite. Eating was always the painful thing. I am grateful that I learned the value of positivity before I came. I was very positive when I got here which is much more than I think I can say for last year. I’m going back into negetavity but luckily I hate it this time. I usually don’t care but now I see how awful it seems. I hated that I cried today. But it’s ok. I hope I can get back on track tomorrow. I will see the nurse and ask her the questions that’s have been bothering me for 2 days and upsetting me. The other lucky thing is that even without a smile on my face in groups, I am still talking without being called on. I must remember to keep that up. If tomorrow comes and I cannot run in the room and jump and say “hey guys!” Then I need to remember to at least participate and smile. Participate in the table games without being prompted even though sometimes I believe no one wants me to play. My only worry is that I lost everybody in the past 2 days of my negetavity. It’s like I feel if I smile again or get back to my normal self it will look weird as I was crying the day before. Well I guess I will find out tomorrow. I cannot solve this problem now 🙂

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