We had a meal tonight that I have had before 3 weeks ago. They add something to it that I was afraid to eat in front of others that first time. I remember waiting until someone else ate it first. Today, I saw it on the plate and I was so angry and triggered today that I wanted to eat it out of some kind of triumph moment. Like, you said those awful, awful things and I’m not going to trigger you back or be rude. I am going to be strong because I believe now that being strong is incredible and powerful. I wanted to be the first one to eat it. I didn’t get a chance to but I ate it so that everyone could see that my eyes were not full of fear, that they were content. Then a therapist pulled me from the dining room to tell me that insurance dropped me (which I knew was happening I just didn’t know what happened with the appeal) and I start tomorrow! By the time I went back in to dinner, I had already completed. I never knew this was my last chance in php. I didn’t make sure I finished my last meal to prove to my team that I am ready or becuase I was so happy it was the motivation I needed to complete. It was gone and it was because I wanted to be triumphant. I was triggered but I kind of like this being my last moments of php.
I am feeling recovery again. Last year it felt like guilt at behaviors instead of guilt at not using them. It felt like having so much passion for new things that you couldn’t care about your eating disorder. Lonliness brought on by triggers is what dragged me down from that highest mountain. This time it looks like the knowledge of what it feels like to leave my dog while I’m gone. It looks like feeling annoyed with those thoughts of relapse. Annoyed with the eating disorder instead of feeling too relieved something is saving you to notice how deadly and awful it is. It looks likes Deja vu of recovery last year but with a mind that has opened wider and more skills to shield you from the triggers of the last relapse. It looks like imperfection. I still have urges and negative thoughts, but I have not acted on urges and then they have disappeared from my thoughts. Still, recovery is amazing.
This picture makes me never want to scream. Whether in anger at myself or someone else. When I first saw it, I liked it, but then I realized it doesn’t depict the beauty in everyone. This year, I have learned about opposite to emotion and it has helped immensely. Opposite to emotion is when you have a urge brought on by a negative emotion such as feeling lonely, so isolating. Practicing opposite to emotion is knowing you would like to isolate then making plans instead. This has helped with self compassion. When you don’t like yourself, and have an urge to change yourself, be yourself instead and then find something you love about every inch of you. Then, when you are envious of someone, you want to find the bad in them, it helps to find the beauty in them instead even if you already see it to the point of it feeling overbearing. Find more beauty in them. This guides you to forcing finding the beauty in yourself because you can start with how beautiful you are on the inside because you are envious of someone, but you still have the enormity of your own heart. I do know however, this is a hard concept. It just helps me be able to do something lovely rather than dwelling on things I cannot change. Anytime you have to tell someone something about yourself, always say it like you are proud. This picture also led me to thinking about who I really am again. I remember what I’ve wanted before the eating disorder entered when I was a teenager. Being quiet went to wanting to be loud. Being careless led to wanting to be beautiful. The eating disorder put my personality into a whirlpool. And I remember it again. I wanted to be smart but now I know you don’t have to be born that way. I can learn whatever it is that I desire.
Tomorrow I am leading a patient led group! I found on Pinterest a tutorial for how to make those adventure books you may have seen in the movie UP. Someone suggested to me we make it our recovery adventure book. I’m pretty excited because just now I realized that this isn’t just for fun! I just saw this idea and thought it was amazing. And I just now realized that adventure is what started it all for me! Recovery I mean. I want to go to Oregon, I want to have a job I enjoy and make a difference. Recovery is an adventure and this adventure book is sure to bind my survival into the pages of this book made out of cardboard 🙂 a story of the steps to survival written by a girl proud to be a warrior, and it’s only made of cardboard. See how amazing everything can be on the inside when the outside doesn’t reflect what’s inside? It doesn’t matter. I will absolutely love doing this with cardboard. If people saw all those random, blank pieces of cardboard in my backpack right now, they would never know 😉
I was once sitting in group and I spotted a rainbow. It wasn’t a shock since it kept raining hard for a few seconds only, and then it would stop. The rainbow was settled outside the window just above another patients’ head. We were sharing our evening plans and how our day went. I wanted to shout it out to everyone that there is a rainbow, but someone was talking and I didn’t want to interrupt. I turned towards the leader of the group hoping she would want to take her authority to exclaim to everyone loudly about the rainbow, knowing exactly that I meant the interruption to be seen as a way to spread the happiness of the rainbow for everyone. She looked over at the window then back at me and only nodded. I felt dreadfully, overly excited and rude thus shame. Then when the girl finished talking, the worker told everyone about the rainbow. I don’t remember their reaction in the moment but soon someone said something that shattered my shame to its deceiving core. She was asked what helped her today and she said the rainbow. Those words I told the worker that told me back, shame, but it was beautiful.
I have been struggling here in treatment lately. Struggling to make friends especially after a few nights ago. I tend to get along more with people older than me, which I wish I knew that was possible when I was a child. I have been going through days without restriction urges and it’s amazing, and I still would like to be with my dog more and get out of here quickly. We have been told not to use “but” instead of “and.” I just did that in that last sentence. I didn’t think it would work with that sentence considering I wanted to talk about something positive, like no urges, then the negative, like I miss my dog and want to go home to him. When I changed it to and, however, it made it sound like it wasn’t canceling out the positive and made the negative piece sound more positive. This wasn’t where I was heading with this post but I really like that sentence now 🙂 So I have been doing well with urges, and there are only two problems. (Saying only two problems instead of “all of my problems” makes the and sound more real as well) I feel guilty for my dog and I’m not making friends. sometimes this makes me want to pull back. Like I have said before, it makes me want to show everyone how much they are hurting me. Not using words though, do not help, people are not mind readers, and maybe, they just do not care that I’m upset about it. I admit, I went through a whole 11 hour day barely speaking to anyone after a bad night. The next night something else happened and I went home planning to ignore everyone again. I told myself it’s fine to not be positive here anymore because they obviously seem to hate it, and, what’s the point of talking if no one seems interested? Well there is something a little bit better than that. There is the remberance of being the annoying one who is happy. Not the “negative person who made me miserable all the time.” I’d rather be annoying and positive than be remembered for hurting someone else. I have a few people I really have not connected with, but I won’t look at them tomorrow then quickly look away. I’m catastrophizing that no one will speak to me tomorrow and the bigger group of people will leave me alone in my chair curled up trying to hide my face. Well, maybe tomorrow I can be the ignored girl who sits in her chair doodling, and smiling. Even if I cannot connect with people in a positive way tomorrow, I can joke around with the staff as I normally do, or I can at least try more conversations, even if they go nowhere, and I can participate in the groups. I will make tomorrow ok 🙂