I’m grateful I came today

Yesterday I was told I was being annoying for the first time since I was a child. I was laughing hysterically with one of the girls at the dinner table. I really wanted to laugh that hard because it has been a long time since I have done that and it is one of the best feelings to me to laugh that hard. I didn’t know anyone was having a problem with it. We went to meal process and when the other girl who was laughing with me was out of the room they talked about how irritated they were and how weird it was. I have been trying to work on confronting people or telling them how I feel so I don’t feel like a scared 5 year old. In the moment I wanted to say sorry but then I remember what everyone is trying to do here all the time about saying sorry and how racked in my brain it is. “Do not say sorry if you did not do it on purpose.” So I tried to think of something else to say. I was not prepared so I stayed silent while someone else agreed. I guess I’m sensitive because I felt attacked. This did however, make me realize something about my relapse. People don’t ever seem to get into trouble for saying or doing “mean” things at least not that I’ve noticed recently unless a beautifully courageous act goes viral. I don’t know if you would say this was mean but considering I had no clue laughing would be considered to upset anyone, I don’t feel I deserved to feel attacked. Maybe I’m just sensitive. I don’t know. Anyway whenever people do mean things it doesn’t ever seem they get punished for it. Especially where, here it has felt I have needed to try very hard to make friends and that i felt like an outcast a lot. When everyone in the room is friends with you, they will most likely agree and then I will be the only one on my side and feel more attacked. This is where I decide to destroy myself. If no one else cares about people hurting others, then I will prove how much it hurt by starving. Luckily today my urges are low considering I went home last night and went to bed Instead of playing with my dog which has me really motivated to get out of here. Luckily I’m really mad but on my check in sheet that I have to share later this morning will not say “annoyed, angry and hurt,” just because, even though those are true feelings, I feel it will validate my eating disorder by stooping down to their “level” if this is even a situation where that evil level was even there. If I feel how good it feels to tell them how attacked I felt, then I will remember how good it feels to starve in response to others actions. I’m just really glad I didn’t quit because I feel stronger today, but not happy.

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