I’ll catastrophize a struggle, but plan happiness

I have been struggling here in treatment lately. Struggling to make friends especially after a few nights ago. I tend to get along more with people older than me, which I wish I knew that was possible when I was a child. I have been going through days without restriction urges and it’s amazing, and I still would like to be with my dog more and get out of here quickly. We have been told not to use “but” instead of “and.” I just did that in that last sentence. I didn’t think it would work with that sentence considering I wanted to talk about something positive, like no urges, then the negative, like I miss my dog and want to go home to him. When I changed it to and, however, it made it sound like it wasn’t canceling out the positive and made the negative piece sound more positive. This wasn’t where I was heading with this post but I really like that sentence now šŸ™‚ So I have been doing well with urges, and there are only two problems. (Saying only two problems instead of “all of my problems” makes the and sound more real as well) I feel guilty for my dog and I’m not making friends. sometimes this makes me want to pull back. Like I have said before, it makes me want to show everyone how much they are hurting me. Not using words though, do not help, people are not mind readers, and maybe, they just do not care that I’m upset about it. I admit, I went through a whole 11 hour day barely speaking to anyone after a bad night. The next night something else happened and I went home planning to ignore everyone again. I told myself it’s fine to not be positive here anymore because they obviously seem to hate it, and, what’s the point of talking if no one seems interested? Well there is something a little bit better than that. There is the remberanceĀ of being the annoying one who is happy. Not the “negative person who made me miserable all the time.” I’d rather be annoying and positive than be remembered for hurting someone else. I have a few people I really have not connected with, but I won’t look at them tomorrow then quickly look away. I’m catastrophizing that no one will speak to me tomorrow and the bigger group of people will leave me alone in my chair curled up trying to hide my face. Well, maybe tomorrow I can be the ignored girl who sits in her chair doodling, and smiling. Even if I cannot connect with people in a positive way tomorrow, I can joke around with the staff as I normally do, or I can at least try more conversations, even if they go nowhere, and I can participate in the groups. I will make tomorrow ok šŸ™‚


2 thoughts on “I’ll catastrophize a struggle, but plan happiness

  1. It’s OK to not be out going. I’m very out going when I drink. When I got sober I stopped being out going. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t feel comfortable at parties or in large groups talking loudly like I used to do.

    After a while of thinking about it I finally realized that I just am not out going and that is OK. I used alcohol to help me pretend like I was out going for a long time. I did it for so long that I lost who I really was.

    Today, I just get to be me.

    Liked by 1 person

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