Recovery this time around 

I am feeling recovery again. Last year it felt like guilt at behaviors instead of guilt at not using them. It felt like having so much passion for new things that you couldn’t care about your eating disorder. Lonliness brought on by triggers is what dragged me down from that highest mountain. This time it looks like the knowledge of what it feels like to leave my dog while I’m gone. It looks like feeling annoyed with those thoughts of relapse. Annoyed with the eating disorder instead of feeling too relieved something is saving you to notice how deadly and awful it is. It looks likes Deja vu of recovery last year but with a mind that has opened wider and more skills to shield you from the triggers of the last relapse. It looks like imperfection. I still have urges and negative thoughts, but I have not acted on urges and then they have disappeared from my thoughts. Still, recovery is amazing. 

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