The beginning of my blog until now: What this journey led to

I started this blog as a way to share my story, I had no idea it was going to be the beginning of recovery for myself. Recovering for yourself is the happiness portion of recovery. If you recover for others, you are suffocating the guilt, but you may not be fully ready to recover for yourself. You end up eliminating the guilt, which makes you believe it was all worth while, which it was, I promise you, but at the same time, you may still be triggered easily. You may still have eating disordered thoughts, which leads to unhappiness whether you engage in them or not. Writing this blog helped me ruminate on positive experiences by thinking about my happy thoughts and emotions over and over again in my head during the experience and afterwards, just to make sure I didn’t forget every single thing I was going to write about in my blog later on. Why was this so important? I found living for positivity. I found living for helping others. I found living for positive experiences and living for a life worth living. Realizing how my negative emotions are being tied with my triggers, is what led to being able to talk about my triggers instead of bottling them up. This led to a release in my anger which led to me deleting word after word of anger in my writing because writing it down led to me feeling better. I changed the words from anger to positivity and the end product ended up being a positive blog post that I noticed could maybe help others in the process. This led to finding the extreme joy in positivity. This leads to going to treatment just for a push in the right direction. People would say I was in a much better place. someone today said the greatest validating thing to me that I could ever hope to hear. She said she misses me in php because of how fun I try to make it and how I can make others happy. Recovery is such a dream. I know all of you will be able to see that someday. I just hope it is soon. ❤

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