These are the quotes that have helped me the most.
“She decided to free herself, dance into the wind, create a new language. And birds fluttered around her writing yes in the sky.” Like I have said in a previous post, I am trying to put into words the beauty I see in being strong and free. This quote is the closest to how I see that.
Other quotes that have helped are, “Be a professional Optimist.” This makes me feel like being an optimist is productive. Like, if I smile through pain (while this can be ineffective if you are hiding something) then I am doing something to help myself and others.
“Be the Leslie Knope of all you do.” This reminds me to be strong and never give up, in a way that truly makes me smile.
“Fall in love with taking care of your mind, body and spirit.” This helps me because I never thought of it before and it made me realize that falling in love with taking care of yourself can actually happen.
“I’d rather have a life of ‘oh wells’ than ‘what ifs'” This reminds me to take chances and that I have the power to overcome anything, but only if I am willing and if I want to.
“it’s okay to be a glowstick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.” This just makes me not be ashamed of my past when I was weaker. I can be strong now.
“When life puts you in tough situations, don’t say, ‘why me,” say, ‘try me.'” Okay I just read this one and I smiled as I read it. I love this one even more than the first one now! Maybe that should be the quote on my homepage! (except I really like the quote on my homepage) But seriously this quote is amazing.
“I was quiet, but I was not blind.” This somehow helps me be okay with my shy moments, just by the way it is written.
These words don’t even make much sense to me. (Let me be clear that I do not know the history of these words and if there really is a reason for what I am going to describe next, please let me know). Some mental illnesses have words that go along with them that turn them into an identity, and then there are some that randomly do not. Anorexic, bulimic, schizophrenic-these are all words to describe a person, when illnesses do not describe people. Yet there are some illnesses without these words such as Bipolar disorder. I can’t think of anything that anyone would say to a person suffering from bipolar disorder other than, “You are suffering from bipolar disorder.” Depression as well. You have depression but there are no words that were created just to describe someone with depression. This makes no sense to me as to why 3 of the mental illnesses (at least the ones I can think of) have words that describe the people suffering. There is also the problem of eating disorders staying with the sufferers because many people with this disease have lost themselves and this is all they know about themselves. Taking away these words altogether I think will help some people heal because then the identity will not exist, because the identity is simply a word in the dictionary.
First off, I know this isn’t the weekend but I really want to do this now. If my readers and I were sitting down for coffee I would tell them that I used to speak my mind on my blog. Now, I use it to help people with my journey to positivity. Not that, that is a bad thing at all, but I used to speak my mind. I get triggered easily and many things that people do that are dangerous to other people are gone by without being noticed. I used to talk about that. I would tell you that I need to speak my mind or my eating disorder will try to take me away again. But progress is too much of a dream for me to go back that direction. Yes, I still struggle, but I would tell you that I am so much stronger. While I am stronger, I still fear speaking my mind and I think this is mostly because I have a bigger following than I had before. But I’ll speak something to you now. I would tell you that pro eating disorder talk is like a ghost to me. It haunts me. It’s always in my brain, dormant, until one random day it shoves itself through my thoughts and I begin to crumble. One of the main things that bothered me is that I knew a girl and I followed her instagram. It seemed recovery focused and I wanted to see what she was up to. Soon though, she began struggling and her account turned into pro eating disorder. Now, I have said in the past that my eating disorder was once from weight insecurities and it now only about control. and that is true. I don’t think I’m fat when I’m at a healthy weight, and I do love my body when I am healthy. However, there is another aspect of weight that makes me very triggered by pictures and I know many others are triggered as well. I won’t say what it is because of my fear of being triggering but I will say that it makes me very susceptible to seeing pictures. Anyway, this girl had a story to tell us on instagram. Instead of a quote, or, anything else, she posted a picture of her legs to tell the story. The story had nothing to do with her legs. They were just in the picture to show what they looked like. France has banned pro eating disorder websites and I kind of want to move there. It’s not just pro eating disorder either, its any type of overweight talk. Both of these, at least what I have noticed, are acceptable. Overweight shaming is much less acceptable now but I still hear it to the point where I get extremely angry. Remember what JK Rowling said “I mean, is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me” Deleting social media has helped because recovery accounts led to accounts that turned into pro eating disorder and it’s threatening to kill me. Even people I have met in treatment have left and had a pro eating disorder account. If society isn’t going to do anything about this talk, I would think at least a therapist should.
Maybe, just maybe I can survive this. In the past, even with evidence of me surviving the same situation before, I often wanted nothing to do with handling my emotions. I wanted them gone. I was never willing to try the things people were telling me because I felt that trying was too hard when I was as sad as I was. What if I get too overwhealmed when I get my full time job? I won’t surivive it! Well, now that I have opened my mind and let the thought, “maybe you can,” enter my brain, I know I can. I wouldn’t let that thought enter my head before. It threatened to take away all my dreams. Last year my therapist said, “you’re young. You can travel or do anything you would like to do.” I said I didn’t want to do anything. A lot of this came from worrying about money while traveling or following my dreams, rejection and home sickness from traveling. But once I opened my mind to all the things I might be able to survive, the life in myself from my childhood came running back to me. All the dreams I had that I lost came back, and as I have said before this has done wonders for my depression.
People rarely call me confident, but someone this year did. Someone said they wish they had the confidence I seem to have. I wasn’t always this way, and normally I am too ashamed to admit my shy past. However, I have finally begun to embrace it. When I was a kid I was often doing sports. I loved doing them, but I hated anything that had to do with a show or a game. One year I told my mom I would only do volleyball again if I could only do the practices without the games. I used to stand there tense waiting for the volleyball coaches to tell us who was in the game and who was sitting out. I always wanted to sit out. I didn’t want to mess up or embarrass myself and I didn’t want everyone’s attention on me. When I was in track I only went to one track meet because I hated the races in front of an audience. During a skit in 5th grade in front of the class I laughed the whole time from my nerves. And public speaking was the worst thing I could think of. I tried whatever I could to get out of it. When people look at me I often picture myself through their eyes in a negative way. Like, what they see when they see me, and I never like what goes on in my head when I do this. I recently came to realize that I have been using the skill changing your perspective since I was young, but in a self destructive way. I would see someone who wasn’t at all like me, and I instantly wanted to be them. As soon as I tried to change myself, I wanted to be what I used to be, but I didn’t think it was possible to get back to it. (this is a longer story not for this time). I realized that not only have I begun to embrace my shy past, but I have been doing it for a long time. Sometimes I hate how shy I am and try to be outgoing, then once I get to that point and embarrass myself, I want to go back to being shy. So, with this back and forth attitude, I have used it to my advantage of remembering what it was I loved about those contrasting personalities and apply it to myself when I am shy in a moment, and when I am outgoing in a moment. So, my dad once said to me that it was funny to watch me play basketball because if someone grabbed the ball from me it looked like I was relieved even if the other team took the ball. He told me I was a polite basketball player. There are tons of phrases to use for being shy. Some, not the nicest. But Polite is sometimes accurate in certain situations such as the basketball one that I was always ashamed of until I added that word to it. I need to be careful here because this is where my brain can go down the wrong road. I can easily then regret every time I have been outgoing because my brain can say, “Well that means that your outgoing personality now means you are rude.” But now I travel back into my dreams and remember what it felt like to want so badly to be outgoing. I wanted to be fierce and strong. So there you have it. I can still be shy and I can still be outgoing, but even though those to vastly contrast one another, they can both be lovely in the eyes of everyone if you try to find it.
I just read an article on buzzfeed about lucid dreaming. (Buzzfeed-luciddreams) I remembered that I tried to lucid dream then I was a teenager and it worked a little bit, before I ended up giving up. Well, lucid dreaming seemed completely amazing to me when I learned about it. Trying to control your dreams and then being able to do whatever you desire. It’s like all your dreams coming true especially if you ever can do it every night. I watched Once upon a time last night where (spoiler) Ruby is trying to control the wolf in her on the full moon, and she ends up being able to. Because she is so strong, and it shows how strong she is by the way she controls it. Let me remind you though, that control with eating disorders lie within defying the thoughts, not defying the food. It is so much harder to get rid of thoughts that are constantly treating to destroy you. Just like the wolf in Ruby. The wolf is threatening to destroy her. We see how thoughts lead to suicides, so this is proof that they are hard to escape from. Lucid dreaming is something I am going to start working on in order to feel like I have gained control. I tried so hard to do this when I was a teenager and it lead to dreaming that I dreamed I had a lucid dream, without a lucid dream itself. I know this sounds weird and sounds like I must have actually had a lucid dream, but I really don’t think I did. Lucid dreaming is very complicated and takes a lot of practice. When you master it, you can tell your brain, “I can control my dreams. I can do whatever I desire at night.” That is so much more amazing that trying to destroy ourselves.
This is kind of a repeat topic for me but I wanted to explain this in different words because of how much I believe in it. If you are trying to change your life and trying to face your fears, no matter the outcome, you are strong if you are weak. I’ve used examples like this in the past but I’ll use one again. If you are born not afraid of roller coasters and you go on them, all you did was be born without that fear. If you are afraid of roller coasters and go onto one anyway, even if you scream and cry, you did it. You faced that horrible fear. Many people think fear is weakness, but I think it is very logical to say that being born without fear is weakness. Luckily, everyone is scared of something. That sentence right there is another example of changing your perspective. I’ve never heard anyone say, “luckily everyone is scared of something.” We all think it would be lucky if we are all fearless. Well this just goes to show you that you can find value in anything if you set your mind to it. Think of loving yourself as an adventure. You will be able to find it.