Story of my shyness-how i embraced this past, while also embracing the opposite personality I demonstrate today

People rarely call me confident, but someone this year did. Someone said they wish they had the confidence I seem to have. I wasn’t always this way, and normally I am too ashamed to admit my shy past. However, I have finally begun to embrace it. When I was a kid I was often doing sports. I loved doing them, but I hated anything that had to do with a show or a game. One year I told my mom I would only do volleyball again if I could only do the practices without the games. I used to stand there tense waiting for the volleyball coaches to tell us who was in the game and who was sitting out. I always wanted to sit out. I didn’t want to mess up or embarrass myself and I didn’t want everyone’s attention on me. When I was in track I only went to one track meet because I hated the races in front of an audience. During a skit in 5th grade in front of the class I laughed the whole time from my nerves. And public speaking was the worst thing I could think of. I tried whatever I could to get out of it. When people look at me I often picture myself through their eyes in a negative way. Like, what they see when they see me, and I never like what goes on in my head when I do this. I recently came to realize that I have been using the skill changing your perspective since I was young, but in a self destructive way. I would see someone who wasn’t at all like me, and I instantly wanted to be them. As soon as I tried to change myself, I wanted to be what I used to be, but I didn’t think it was possible to get back to it. (this is a longer story not for this time). I realized that not only have I begun to embrace my shy past, but I have been doing it for a long time. Sometimes I hate how shy I am and try to be outgoing, then once I get to that point and embarrass myself, I want to go back to being shy. So, with this back and forth attitude, I have used it to my advantage of remembering what it was I loved about those contrasting personalities and apply it to myself when I am shy in a moment, and when I am outgoing in a moment. So, my dad once said to me that it was funny to watch me play basketball because if someone grabbed the ball from me it looked like I was relieved even if the other team took the ball. He told me I was a polite basketball player. There are tons of phrases to use for being shy. Some, not the nicest. But Polite is sometimes accurate in certain situations such as the basketball one that I was always ashamed of until I added that word to it. I need to be careful here because this is where my brain can go down the wrong road. I can easily then regret every time I have been outgoing because my brain can say, “Well that means that your outgoing personality now means you are rude.” But now I travel back into my dreams and remember what it felt like to want so badly to be outgoing. I wanted to be fierce and strong. So there you have it. I can still be shy and I can still be outgoing, but even though those to vastly contrast one another, they can both be lovely in the eyes of everyone if you try to find it.

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5 thoughts on “Story of my shyness-how i embraced this past, while also embracing the opposite personality I demonstrate today

  1. An area with which I still struggle…

    ~~ “Well that means that your outgoing personality now means you are rude.” ~~ Yikes! How often I have thought that one. It is nice to see I am not the only one who thinks that. Sometimes I feel if I become assertive and say or do something contrary to my “normal” shyness I am just being an opinionated loudmouth. So when I get to thinking that way I revert into my shyness and keep my distance. A vicious circle for me. But I am getting better in that area as you will read in my next post.

    Blessings! And thank you for such awesome insight in your posts!

    Liked by 1 person

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