I desperately warn you. Do not speak bad of yourself. Do not write bad of yourself. I just learned this lesson and it may be of some use to my happiness. I have found something in my physical appearance that I like about myself. However, with my history of insecurity, I always have to obsess to make sure that what I like about myself is actually true. I know how bad this is though. I should just accept what I love about myself but sometimes it is difficult. Well, the thing I like about myself now has gone down the drain. I lost it. I lost this piece of love for myself. Why? Because I thought of something horrible I wrote about myself when I was a teenager. I remember writing in detail many things that I hate about myself and I remember telling people how much I hated certain details about myself to see if they felt the same way. Well, now, it has come back to haunt me. The new thing I like about my physical appearance is basically the opposite of something I wrote about hating. I won’t go into details but basically I wrote that I hated some aspect of my physical appearance. I remembered what I wrote even though I haven’t read it in years. This shows that details of hatred for yourself can really stick to you. More so than just thoughts themselves, because this time you have a document of your thoughts. This thing I wrote is opposite of what I like in myself as of recently. So, I had to let that good aspect of myself go. All because I wrote down my feelings of myself onto paper. If you have urges to write your feelings, I urge you to be a little kinder towards yourself, because as I have just realized, once you grow older, your own words can sound like they are coming from another person and to me, this always makes it worse and makes it sound more true. That thing I wrote about myself seems more true the more time goes on because I don’t remember that exact girl as well as I did. The negative writings can take away an aspect of self-love you have. Maybe the truth is, is that when I was younger my insecurities clouded my judgement and they weren’t real insecurities. There is also the fact that my appearance has changed in the past almost ten years. Yet, it still looms in my head. I wrote that about myself, now it’s stuck in my head, and it’s taken away my self-love of today. Try, if you please, to speak and think more kindly of yourself, because it may come back to haunt you. As I’m sure some of you know, our insecurities can cause us to think things that are not in any way true. So when you grow older, you may look back and believe something horrible and untrue about yourself.
This mindset has helped me a lot. So you love that quote you just read, but it didn’t come from your own creative mind. Well, that quote is in your heart, and it is not in everyone’s. Say you and a friend discuss your favorite quotes and you share yours and she shares hers. Her favorite quote is different from your favorite quote. Look at yourself and what is inside your heart and love the fact that, that beautiful quote you love so much, is front and center in your heart. The quote you find beautiful, can be beautiful to you just because of where it is placed in your heart. This might be the reason why the universe made everyone different. Maybe everyone was supposed to love the way they loved things instead of just wanting those things to be on themselves, but something went amiss and now we all obsess about actually being some type of personality or outer beauty we love in our hearts. I used to be obsessed with being good at art. I’m not. I used to love drawing but I hated everything I drew. As of now, I don’t like drawing and I don’t really care if I can’t draw. This gives me the inside scoop of a person who does and does not care if their drawing is good, so I know these two contrasting opinions exist. When I was younger I should have just loved the fact that I wanted to be a good drawer. If I’m not good at it, accept it, and move on to the fact that your heart loves it, and that is different from others. When you hear people saying they wished they liked something, it’s mostly, from my own experience, from something they think will make them productive like, “I wish I liked to organize,” because this will get them to organize more. But we can use that for self-esteem as well. “I’m so glad I love art even though I’m not effective at it, because an interest is part of my amazing personality.”An interest is beauty and because you love your interests so much, you should be able to see the beauty in loving the things that are already in your heart. So, what you want to look like on the outside, is a way to show your beauty, and your interests make the rest of what’s inside of you beautiful. I know you can see it, because you love what you love.
I realized now that I blush. Blushing used to be the most embarrassing thing to me. I would get embarrassed, blush and then get more embarrassed. When I was younger, blushing was a horrible thing for people to witness me doing. The reason was because I didn’t want people to know I was embarrassed. I wanted people to think I was fine with tough situations. No one ever told me though if I blushed, but I could always feel my face get red. I used to tell myself that maybe it just feels like that and maybe my face isn’t really getting red. I remember if I did a presentation in class, which was my biggest fear, and my face turned red, I would get much more nervous. Once my face stayed red for probably 30 minutes after my presentation because the redness in my face made me blush more. It was like a never ending cycle that day. But recently, I have felt my face get red and my friends have said that I am blushing. I finally realized that I do blush. I think I always realized that but I didn’t want to admit or know it. Suddenly it doesn’t seem so awful anymore, because I looked at it a different way. Blushing doesn’t have to mean I am weak. Now that I think about myself blushing, I actually think of it now as something more endearing than I used to. I think about being strong through the redness in my face. Then it seems much more acceptable to my mind. Instead of staring at the ground hiding my red face, I can stand up straight and smile through my blushing. Picture yourself doing that in your head. I pictured myself doing that and I didn’t think it was so bad. I actually thought it makes me look strong.
In this blog, I try to prove that everything is beautiful. This is something that I’ve been trying to find myself. That being single can be ideal. I am single and sometimes I just want someone just so I can say that I have someone. Because people have been asking me for years if I’m in a relationship like it’s something I need to have. Like if I don’t have it, something must have gone amiss in my life. I have started to try to find the beauty in being single and this is what I found. To prove that nothing is wrong with me being single. I am stronger being able to be on my own. Yes, I still live with my mom so I’m not completely on my own, but I look forward to when I graduate in April and move out, so then I can try to be completely alone and prosperous. When you are alone you are more connected with your thoughts. I love to day dream and I used to not be able to wait until I went to bed because that was when I could concentrate on my day dreams. When I am around people, I am too distracted to do it. Being single makes a dreamer. “I like being alone because I value my peace of mind.”-Robert Tew. I see being alone now as magical. Being strong enough to be by yourself. More able to take in your surroundings. Lost in your thoughts. Gliding around the world because you are day dreaming as you take each step which makes you give off a brand new energy. I don’t do that when I am with people most of the time because I am paying attention to them. Let me be clear that I do love being around people, but I also am okay with being single now and I am okay with being alone. Because I looked at it in a better way. A better, yet still true way.
I was going through some old posts and I was looking at some of those posts I have where I put two contrasting gifs together and show the beauty in contrasting personalities. I started thinking that maybe some people don’t see the beauty in everything. I used to not either. In fact, I still struggle with seeing the beauty in myself. But then I had a thought. Seeing beauty in everything is a treasure. That connection from your brain to your eyes is pure gold. You want to be able to look at every inch of the world and find value, especially if you struggled to get there. You were strong, strong enough to see everything from grey to gold. When you love yourself, you are not arrogant, you have shining eyes when you look at everything because you are content with yourself. You are kinder to the world because the essence of all you can see is laced with beauty and your eyes shine with all you see. Loving yourself is a treasure that you need to strive for. Not arrogance. Loving yourself allows you to help others by sharing your journey. That’s being amazing. Finding the beauty in yourself is the treasure and you will glow like the treasure when you find it.
Take everyones opinions about yourself out of the entire picture. I often am insecure about who I am, and have tried to change myself. Tonight I was getting insecure again and ruminating on things I don’t like about myself. I have this thing where I can think something about myself, and then the moment someone thinks differently, I immediately have no clue who I am anymore. If I think something positive about myself and then someone thinks I’m wrong, even if said in a nice way, I immediately think they are right, even though I live in my thoughts, and no one else even hears them in a whisper. So my thought tonight was to take everything people say about you, good or bad, and just try not to make it important. Now, this is a known concept. We have heard time and time again that we are not supposed to care what others think or say about us, but this is mostly talking about something negative. Tonight, I remembered something positive someone said about me awhile ago and I kept thinking about it. Even though it was a positive experience to think about this, it reinforces that other people’s words are the main reflection of myself. It’s nice to be complimented obviously, but once we are completely at peace, we will only need ourselves to understand who we are, and find the beauty in us.
Society labels people like facts. This is not true. There is a skill I really love called self as context that really helps with handling labels, and it shows how much the rudeness of society doesn’t even make any sense. Being labeled a dull person when you have laughed many moments in your life doesn’t make sense. Some people act certain ways around different people. I act shy in large unknown social situations and more energetic around close friends. I cannot be labeled shy or outgoing, because it’s always different. So many people hide their true feelings anyway. What makes society think they can get inside your head and tell you what you’re thinking. If labels existed, I would think it would be more logical for these, in a magical land where people are all mind-readers. Maybe a truly energetic person is really just afraid of showing his/her true self but people think the opposite about him/her. This shows that labels can’t exist in a world where mind-readers don’t exist. Now though, I understand labeling yourself is a little hard as well. I used to label myself as stupid. Stupid is actually a word that doesn’t make sense anyway. People label others stupid as a word that means someone who will always be unintelligent. Like they were born that way and cannot change. That’s how I labeled myself. When I was young I wasn’t interested in History in the slightest, or most subjects for that matter, but history was the worst for me. I would read the books but my head would be elsewhere. When I would take the test I would know nothing because the words in the book didn’t stick in my head, because I wasn’t interested. I told myself it was because I was just too stupid to remember anything. However, I now am interested in learning a vast amount of things (even history) and I can remember them and understand them because I finally want to. When I was a child, I didn’t want to learn, I wanted to be smart. But that’s not going to happen. In order to have brain full of knowledge, all you need to do is be willing, and to try. You don’t need the label of smart to get you to know a lot about the world.