Now I’m not big on “what happened this year,” or “New years resolutions,” but I feel these two years can be exceptions. I feel that I found the journey to loving myself in 2016. Now I’m not completely at loving myself, but I found the path to get to that dream. I started a job that made me love the vision of being strong, which is the sole purpose of my recovery for myself. Finding the beauty in everything has shown me that recovery for myself is possible. I did struggle with my eating disorder but I was able to overcome it more than ever. I was able to grasp onto a different type of control and a different type of person I wish to be, which is a strong version of myself. I was able to push myself with my job and feel better about myself. I was able to face fears and for the first time, embrace fear as it is part of the path I found to loving myself. Now I have a new years resolution that has come from a big part of 2016. I wrote Nanowrimo for the first time and I made it. I was able to get myself to write 50000 words in a month, and it showed me that I am able to do anything if I set my mind to it. This made a determination and a new piece of a personality flow into me. Feeling the desire to keep going with those 50000 words, and feeling it genuinely showed me that I do have the power to be a person who doesn’t give up. It doesn’t have to be fake. So this resolution was to write another novel. Then I realized how perfectionist I am. I used to write all the time and then I quit. Nanowrimo gave it back to me. I never finished the things I wrote unless they were songs. But I always think my songs and stories are not good enough so I delete every word. This year, I vow to try to write two novels. One of them being one I am proud of through every word and moment when it flows from my mind onto paper. (or screen in this case). The other novel is one that I don’t want to write. I will dedicate 50000 words from my mind to this novel that my head tells me isn’t good enough. When my hand moves to the backspace button, I will push on. Like climbing up a steep mountain, these words, I vow, will stay on the page. I have my idea ready and hopefully this year, this rebeilous act against my demons will push them away into oblivion. I’m feeling kind of wary about this post as it doesn’t really seem to be anything that would help anyone, it’s more of a story but I guess it’s worth it to post it anyway. Happy new year!
Twice this year, I got laughed at. Once was recently and once was a few months ago and I blogged about that experience. I tend to make sure I’m in the background sometimes in order to be sure I’m not made fun of. Luckily, this was a year in which my mental health has been a lot better. I am able to find the beauty in myself for not laughing at others instead of finding the flaws in myself for when others laugh at me. I was at work a few days ago and a boy and his girlfriend came in. They sat in the front for a few minutes then went through the back to exit. (They were friends of my co-worker) I said I was sorry because I was in someone’s way and I stepped back. The girl laughed at me. I understand that this might have been a laughter with me type of thing or it may have been laughter at my expense. Maybe she was just laughing because I said sorry and it was obvious I didn’t need to. I backed up in kind of a strange way to let them through, so either she thought I was joking and laughed with me, or she was laughing at me. The reason why I think it was at my expense was because the laughter lingered, and not a loud laughter that was being thrown forth because of something extremely funny, but more of a, “You’re strange,” laughter. I could be very wrong on this, I must admit, but this is how I feel in this situation. For a little while, this lingering laughter made me believe that it was from something I am extremely insecure about (something I haven’t talked about yet.) I felt her laughter made everything true. Luckily, I am doing better and this didn’t last as long as it normally would. The reason why this laughter made me feel it was all true was because a “normal” person doing what I did would not be the cause for a lingering malicious laughter. While I did have thoughts of insecurity, I also saw something I normally do not see. When we get laughed at, sometimes we miss the persons character and go straight to self loathing. This time I was able to notice this girl and see something I don’t want be, instead of only seeing the things that she laughed at. Instead of only seeing myself reflected from this situation, I saw someone else too. I was able to see that just because these people laughed at me, doesn’t make them better. That was always my logic. I did something strange and they are not strange like me so they wouldn’t laugh at their own expense as well as my own. I can see looking down then looking back up with a bright red face as much more endearing than a prideful smile at how these people can laugh at someone. It’s much more beautiful to be strong and handle these moments, than to be the one who is making fun of others. Now, none of us are perfect. And if we have made a mistake and laughed or was mean to someone before, this doesn’t mean we are horrible people. It means you have some insecurity problems of your own. Think of this idea and then make sure you don’t make someone feel bad about themselves again. We all have hurt someone in our lives, but we can change it and we can be better. We just have to look at how being mean can take away the beauty of the outside. I don’t like speaking of beauty on the outside, but what I mean is that, having a beautiful soul can make you glow with warmth. That’s what you get when you are kind to someone.
Sometimes I isolate myself from feeling irrelevant. When people don’t reach out to me I feel worthless but maybe they feel the same because I don’t reach out to them. I don’t reach out because I want proof that I am worthy and I wait for others first. However, yesterday I reached out to someone I haven’t talked to in awhile. She said that my text made her smile. If you reach out to someone first, you don’t need to wait to prove yourself relevant. You made that persons day for making them feel happy and missed and wanted. If you didn’t, that moment of happiness would never exist. If you are upset at not being spoken to, tell those people how much they mean to you. You will make a difference doing that. When I did that yesterday I had this happiness returned to me. I told someone I missed them on Christmas Eve, then on Christmas Day my mom came home from visiting her family. (I was with my dads family this year so I didn’t go with her.) she said that everyone said hi but that my little second cousin specifically came up to her and told her to tell me he said hi. I was able to feel just then how I made someone feel yesterday. My heart soared at this little gesture. I felt my relevance from last night in this instant. It’s amazing to be able to feel your relevance.
Lets say you want to be something you’re not. Then you pretend to be this type of person in an instant when it will be forced, and not natural. You notice yourself pretending to be someone else and then someone calls you out on it. They say, “Do you like to read?” (Or something along those lines). You want to seem smart and you want to say you love to read but you are just forcing yourself to read the book you have in your hands. Once this question has been asked, you need to say with confidence that you really don’t like to read, if that is the truth for you. Everything has the power to be good if you make it. Some people go around reading all the time, and some people are perfectly happy without reading a book at all. This is evidence that beauty is in everything you can be. I was thinking about this yesterday. Again, I know nothing about my true self since I get insecure and change myself all the time. I am constantly looking for who I am so I can grow to like myself now that I have the skills to do so. This confidence, though, is hidden under changing myself. So, yesterday I acted in a way that I just wanted to act like. Now, this may be the real me, I’m not sure, as I have lost a large portion of myself from my insecurities. However, I realized that if someone asked me if I was truly being myself in that moment yesterday, I would say with confidence, “no.” I would say no like it is perfectly okay to not have this personality. This will rub off on others. “Do you like to read?” “No.” Said with a smile. However, sometimes when someone seems proud of their personality, I feel I should be like them, because it is obviously the best thing to do, since they seem to be okay with themselves. This is when you also let people know that you’re okay with not having a love for books, but you can see why others would love it. Love needs to be spread. It needs to be spread in this way. If you are confidence or act confidence, please spread this confidence to pieces of others that are the opposite of you. Most people who are confident in themselves, I’m sure aren’t speaking of their confidence to put down people who are not like them, but people like me are susceptible to self-loathing and can take so much and turn it into a way to hate ourselves. So lets spread the love by being confident in ourselves for whatever we are, and spread the love to personalities of whatever everyone else is. I do understand this post is all over the place and I had a little trouble with the examples so I hope it’s not too confusing! But if it is, hey, that’s perfectly okay.
Take this from someone who has hated her hair for a long time. I used to be very insecure about it. I hated the color so I dyed it, and then finally I embraced my natural color and dyed it back. I found the beauty in my natural color and was desperate for it back despite hating it before. There are ways to find the beauty in your hair but you also might need to combine it with things. I think about embracing blonde hair now but only when it looks a certain way. For me, I saw a picture of someone with blonde hair and dark lipstick. So, that’s when, if I had blonde hair, I put on dark lipstick. Now, I love my brown hair when I am dressed in my favorite clothes. They just look like they flow together. I love red hair with bright red lipstick. I love black hair with pink lipstick. This all might sound so strange, but these colors together is one of the ways I found the beauty in all colors of hair. You just need to be open minded and creative and try to find someone with your hair color and look at different ways of wearing it or what they are wearing with it. I just got this concept when I saw someone with blonde hair and dark lipstick. I plan to combine this with other aspects of my life. You can find the beauty in everything by itself, without needing extra things, such as lipstick, but it is a start to being confident. Like I have said before, I like extremely curly, frizzy hair because it reminds me of a doll, but I have straight hair. I came to embrace it by seeing how it laid on my favorite outfit and how curly hair might not look as amazing as I see my straight hair with it. This opened up a doorway to loving my hair even without that outfit on. This is because this moment, of seeing my hair in this light, opened my mind to this possibility that my natural hair can give me this kind of self-esteem in it. I don’t normally like to speak of physical beauty, as it causes so many problems for me but the problems in of themselves mean that I probably need to begin talking about my progress in this. I don’t like needing to feel beautiful because it reinforces the fact that it seems that society needs you to be beautiful. However, it never hurts to love yourself, no matter what pieces of yourself that is.
Looking at someone and wanting to be them will not change who you are. You are born yourself for a reason. And you cannot change this. You can change how people view you, by acting differently, but it will only make you appear different to others, but you never will be anything but your amazing self. Pretending to be something you are not is exhausting (I should know as I spent years and years doing this) and it is a complete waste of time. I beg of you to never get into this pattern or to fall out of it immediately. You might have been changing yourself for years in order for others acceptance and then, when the day comes and you are finally willing to accept yourself the way you are, you have no idea who that is. Compliments toward your fake personality mean nothing, because it’s not who you really are. People can help you love yourself. They compliment you on things you cannot notice in your true self. But in order for others to help you love your personality, you must be yourself. I am at this point of trying to find myself in order to be able to find the beauty in myself. I have changed myself and pretended to be something I’m not way too much. So instead of looking at someone and thinking about how much you want to be them, look at someone who is just like the real you, and find the beauty in them. Look at people and don’t envy them, find your beauty in someone just like you. Let them show you how amazing you are instead of being trapped in self-loathing that is brought on by comparison and envy.
Courage isn’t being born fearless. It is being born with fear and being able to fight through it. I used to never face my fears. I got over my fear of roller coasters randomly. I used to be deathly afraid but one day I looked at a roller coaster whilst I was at an amusement park and didn’t feel afraid anymore somehow. Now I can ride anything. I wish I would have gotten on that roller coaster with fear, rather than without. Sometimes, even though I am facing my fears today, I feel like I am naturally weak from how much I didn’t try in the past. I mean, I used to face my fears when it came to social situations, like playing basketball in games even when I didn’t want to, but it was mostly a bigger fear that got me to do that, which was the fear of telling someone no. I like feeling fear today so that I can face it and it makes me feel strong. However, sometimes my brain goes down the wrong road. “You always avoided your fears, deep down you are a coward, it doesn’t matter what is happening today because most of your life you were different…you were a coward. Some day you will fall back into what you know you are.” But then I countered this thought. The fact that I was so cowardly as to not try to face my fears for most of my life, makes it much more courageous to fight today. That makes me a stronger version of myself than I could be if I am known for being afraid and facing my fears. This is me, a girl who has avoided her fears her whole life and is now facing them. If you have this problem as well, just think about how much courage it takes for your whole life to revolve around avoiding your fears like nature intended you to do it. Then…you decide to face them. You will not turn back to cowardice. Because fighting when you are used to giving in is a special kind of strength. A strength that will help you overcome your demons and a strength that will help you fight so that you don’t return to hiding from your fears.