Something I did to defy my eating disorder

I must say first that this method might not be for everyone. Eating disorders thrive on secrecy and if you are one of those people who feels that they need to hide their behaviors in order to continue doing them, then this isn’t the post for you. When I have been in treatment, you have to talk about your behaviors every morning. When I was in PHP last year we spent eleven hours in a program, seven days a week and went home to sleep. I was ready to recover so much. However, I get extremely triggered by talking about behaviors. If I didn’t do any behaviors that night and someone else did, I felt out of control and guilty. Then I immediately regretted it and wanted to do behaviors the next night. Sometimes the only thing that got me through that morning was the fact that no one else did any behaviors. I still do understand the secrecy though. If I had done behaviors, I might have kept them to myself, but I would have felt like I was in more control. So last year, I did something different. All of us had sheets we filled out that had charts to check off each morning. They would ask for behaviors and urges. After we read this aloud, they would always go to our therapists’ mail box for them to read. I would write down my answers honestly, to take away that secrecy, and then I would read them off as if I were cured. People would be talking about their behaviors and I would say I didn’t even have an urge. (I must also point out that I’m not trying to say people are weak for talking about behaviors. This is just me. If I go against a crowd doing these things, then I feel strong, but that doesn’t mean this kind of strength is strength for everyone. If secrecy is what your disorder thrives on, then you are strong for speaking of your behaviors) I would write down any urges and behaviors but make sure I didn’t say them aloud. This wasn’t me trying to be sneaky as it might sound, I was trying to be strong and defy the eating disorder. I felt like that picture I have that makes me love confidence. That girl getting her hair cut. My brain is telling me to be like everyone else. Do what everyone else did last night. Make sure they all know you are not weak. Make sure everyone knows you are in control. Or don’t tell them anything…but be in control. Well, letting everyone know I had no urges, I was looking up into the air with my eyes closed. Birds were fluttering around me writing yes into the sky. And as soon as the words escaped me, words that basically say, “I am cured,” I open my eyes and feel liberated. Image: Pinterest

My anniversary to my blog and new blog name!

I have been on this blog for one year today! I have also decided to change my name from recovery for all of my heart to blueprints to your worthiness. This is because when I first started this blog it was because I wanted to share my story about my eating disorder. When I started, I was recovering for others, not myself. So my blog was called recovery for all of my heart, because I was recovering for all that I loved. This blog has evolved from my story to helping people and I have found a purpose for this blog, thus finding a purpose for myself. Not only that though, this blog was the beginning to finding so many more reasons to recover for myself. So I changed my name so it no longer reflects only recovering for others because you need to recover for yourself. Blueprints to your worthiness is basically what I have been doing in this blog for awhile now. I know I get off topic sometimes and start talking about random therapy stuff, but for the most part, this blog is about showing the worthiness I see in everyone. How I was able to recover by seeing myself in someone else and I am showing what I see in you. So my posts are blueprints to each and every piece of worthiness in people.

Every place you go has the potential to be a landscape of mountains and wild flowers

This is a post about the beauty I see in every place to live. I live in a place I don’t necessarily like. Well at least that’s what I used to think. Now I see the beauty in where I live and now I just want to find something different…not find something more appealing.  I want to live in a place surrounded by nature and mountains, but I live in the suburbs. I wrote a post a long time ago about how I turned a cloud into a mountain, where I looked up and saw a cloud that looked just like a mountain and I let my mind be engrossed with the bliss of this cloud as if my mind were looking at a mountain. The difference between the two, a cloud and a mountain, that almost makes the cloud just as good as a mountain, is that the beautiful mountains stay the same, and the clouds are always different. One day I see a large cloud and my mind changes it to a mountain, and the next day, it’s an entirely different cloud, but surrounded by the familiarity of home. Now on to the beauty I see each place to live.

Why I learned to love the suburbs: So close to neighbors. I am going to be moving out of the suburbs soon but I have found the beauty that makes me want to cherish the time I have left. Like the time I was walking my dog and crossed the street to get out of the way of a lady who was shoveling the sidewalk in front of the house. How she kindly said from across the street, “I would have gotten out of the way for you.” Then we began talking about how the salt is faring on my dogs paws because her older dog gets salt stuck in his paws. The way the man saw me walking with a bag after I cleaned up after my dog and said I could throw it away in his trash can he had out for garbage day. The friendliness and closeness is what I will cherish. I will be happy if I find my way back here and I am happy and proud of my time here.

City: The idea of a tiny studio apartment overlooking the lights. A tiny apartment that reminds me of the hotels that have a  large aspect of nostalgia for me that I love. I can live in an apartment anywhere, but in the city it will be more special to me. I will be happy if I end up here.

Country: The beauty. The wide open spaces that look like a painting. The barns in the middle of nowhere that remind me of adventure. I will be happy if I end up here. Don’t be fooled by the fact that I have much more written for suburbs. I have lived in the suburbs so I have some of this based upon memories. The rest is based on my dreams and I think my dreams of these places are really stunning as well. As I live in different places, the memories and experiences will make the beauty grow.

What beauty do you see in the place you live? Or what beauty does your mind see in the dreams of future places you want to live?

A joyful occasion for wherever life takes me

I am graduating soon from college. I do not like my major whatsoever. I had so many plans when I was younger. I wanted to be a marine biologist but I don’t live around the ocean where I wanted to study, and I was too afraid to live far away from where I am from due to homesickness. I have a major I chose out of depression and it’s hard to be positive about my life, but I have been able to find the beauty in each path I might take. I might go back to school and pay for it by myself. Not only will I be doing what I love, but I will feel so much more accomplished paying for it myself. I love my minor of environmental studies so I have that possibility. But I also might get a job in the field of my major that I do not like. I might not live in a pretty place out of my home state surrounded by mountains and trees, or I might. I might not make a lot of money and have to live in an unsafe place. So here are all the possibilities of how my life, no matter what, can be a joyous occasion.

Getting a job with my major I don’t like: In this job it is very likely I will be in a cubicle surrounded by people. Watching the show the office makes me excited for this even though I don’t like my major. I know it might not be as fun as the show but it makes me excited and it makes me think about a lot of connection with people. When I drive to the shelter Wednesday mornings I pass a building with a lot of cubicles. I try to picture my life there and I’m okay with it. I don’t look at those cubicles and see a field I don’t enjoy. I see desks close together.

Living in a place that isn’t surrounded by nature: If I end up staying where I am, surrounded by houses instead of mountains and trees, it shows strength. I will have to work to get to a place like that. Sometimes I feel depressed when not around nature, so not living around nature means a strength for me. I have a way for every type of living situation to be beautiful to me but i’ll make a post about that at another time.

If you aren’t where you want to be, channel your depression and prove to yourself that you are strong enough to handle disappointment. The more struggles you face towards your dreams, the more meaningful the destination is. If your brain tells you that you didn’t struggle enough to get to your dreams, just tell that brain of yours, “Then I’ll dream again.” And dream some more and fight to get there.

Difference between being brave and confident, and being brave and insecure

I used to face my fears a lot as a child but not because I wanted to nor did I do it joyfully. I was afraid to tell someone that I didn’t want to do it, so I went ahead and did it. My fear of telling people no was an avoidance in itself obviously. I used to play in volleyball games when I was too nervous to. I used to give presentations when I would have rather done anything else. We all hear that facing our fears makes everything easier right? Well, that’s not what happened in my case, when I was insecure. When I finished facing my other fears, such as being the center of attention in the volleyball games or doing presentations anyway, the fear made me feel worse. I never thought of the fact that it was amazing for me to be facing this fear. Even if I am afraid to tell someone my fear, either way I am facing something. When I was done facing my fear, I only felt empowered if I didn’t feel fear during it. If I felt horrible during it, like the time I almost vomited during a presentation at school, I felt weak, because I felt weak. I didn’t feel strong because I got through it. Now I realize that even if I get through something and still shake through it and feel fear throughout the whole thing, that makes me even stronger. The fear stayed with me, because of my negative attitude. “I did horrible. I never want to do that again. I’ll always be afraid.” Now my attitude is, “I am strong for fighting through my fear. Lets try again next time.” I have shown you in my last post about the beauty I see in confidence. I faced my fears as a child but I never looked like that girl in the picture of my last post. The girl who is getting her hair cut and looking up with her eyes closed with confidence and ferocity. I faced my fear then got up with negativity filling my mind and walked off insecure…off to being scared in the future of the same exact thing. A lack of fear was the only road to confidence for me. But that mindset made me scared. I hated fear…so I had a lot of it. Now I’m okay with fear, and while I still have it, I am a lot happier. So face your fears, and let yourself shake or let yourself be steady, but when you are done, make eye contact with others, and walk off like you have just conquered the world.

The moral of this story that I needed to hear: Fear, failure…none of that matters. All that matters in life is that you try.

Being confident is lovely

Being confident isn’t arrogance. You cannot be fierce and intense without being confidence. These are the two adjectives of myself that I want, which add a beautiful essence to the word confidence. Not only that, it makes the idea of arrogance given to this word disappear. Love being confident because it looks like this.

Quotes that make me love being confident:

“I just love bossy women. I could be around them all day. Bossy is not a pejorative term at all. It means somebody’s passionate and engaged and ambitious and doesn’t mine leading.” -Amy Poehler. Passionate means full of emotion based on something someone loves.  Having emotions can be so beautiful if you let it, so let that beauty guide its way into being beautiful for being passionate, and then that beauty guides it’s way to confident and bossy. I have a post about why emotions and vulnerability is beautiful as well, I just didn’t want to make this too long to repeat here.

07a03f1311dd1d6f84b587a3f60a2af0(Image:pinterest) This picture is one of my favorite examples of how I view confidence as beautiful. Getting your hair cut off but looking up like it is a beautiful opportunity. Looking up with honor that you can feel okay with yourself for doing something drastic. Apply this picture of anything that is scary to you. Or find a picture of confidence and apply it to every moment in which you can be confident. When applying this picture to moments of potential confidence, I see intensity, I see a heart beating faster because of the joy of being confident and not from fear. I see respect for being able to work so hard to love myself. I see happiness and the most potential to change the world and be amazing.

An article I just read

It was called “6 ways to use your sensitivity as a superpower,” and it is an amazing article. One of the things says, “Don’t toughen up, think smarter.” I can see the beauty in both of these things. I see being strong as being fierce and standing up for yourself and I see being sensitive and smart as beautiful as well. I can see myself climbing up a mountain, my muscles accentuated by shadows, determination in my eyes as a metaphor of standing up for yourself through the fear.  Then I see myself sitting quietly, listening. Being insulted and ready to cry. But instead, thinking quietly to myself. Using my past pain as a way to be smarter and handling this in a way that doesn’t include self-loathing. Sitting quietly in the thoughts that no one knows are burning with brightness inside me. Determination in my eyes different from those of being strong but both having fire. These eyes are full of mental strength, being inside my own head and trying so hard to find beauty in a situation. Being smarter in the end once I always find the answer. Then the determination in standing up and being strong. Not staying quiet, not backing down. Intensity in my eyes being shown by pain with a filter of strength because I am facing my fears of standing up for myself. Then intensity in the eyes of sitting in silence, quietly and silently finding the beauty in your surroundings within a time limit. Needing to find the beauty quickly, or your mind might destroy you. So stay quiet and fight your mind, or get up and stand up for yourself. Either way they are amazing.