Something I did to defy my eating disorder

I must say first that this method might not be for everyone. Eating disorders thrive on secrecy and if you are one of those people who feels that they need to hide their behaviors in order to continue doing them, then this isn’t the post for you. When I have been in treatment, you have to talk about your behaviors every morning. When I was in PHP last year we spent eleven hours in a program, seven days a week and went home to sleep. I was ready to recover so much. However, I get extremely triggered by talking about behaviors. If I didn’t do any behaviors that night and someone else did, I felt out of control and guilty. Then I immediately regretted it and wanted to do behaviors the next night. Sometimes the only thing that got me through that morning was the fact that no one else did any behaviors. I still do understand the secrecy though. If I had done behaviors, I might have kept them to myself, but I would have felt like I was in more control. So last year, I did something different. All of us had sheets we filled out that had charts to check off each morning. They would ask for behaviors and urges. After we read this aloud, they would always go to our therapists’ mail box for them to read. I would write down my answers honestly, to take away that secrecy, and then I would read them off as if I were cured. People would be talking about their behaviors and I would say I didn’t even have an urge. (I must also point out that I’m not trying to say people are weak for talking about behaviors. This is just me. If I go against a crowd doing these things, then I feel strong, but that doesn’t mean this kind of strength is strength for everyone. If secrecy is what your disorder thrives on, then you are strong for speaking of your behaviors) I would write down any urges and behaviors but make sure I didn’t say them aloud. This wasn’t me trying to be sneaky as it might sound, I was trying to be strong and defy the eating disorder. I felt like that picture I have that makes me love confidence. That girl getting her hair cut. My brain is telling me to be like everyone else. Do what everyone else did last night. Make sure they all know you are not weak. Make sure everyone knows you are in control. Or don’t tell them anything…but be in control. Well, letting everyone know I had no urges, I was looking up into the air with my eyes closed. Birds were fluttering around me writing yes into the sky. And as soon as the words escaped me, words that basically say, “I am cured,” I open my eyes and feel liberated. Image: Pinterest

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