Beauty in my major

When I was getting ready to go to college I was depressed and didn’t care at all about my future. Now I am so excited for my future that I got depressed about having a major I don’t like, but have channeled my excitement and turned my excitement on my major and found the beauty in it. My major is marketing and I always wanted to do things with animals. I wanted to be a marine biologist and I was going to go to college for that but I ended up being so depressed I literally just clicked a major and went on with my life. I knew nothing of marketing. I didn’t care that I wasn’t interested, because I wasn’t interested in anything. So instead of sulking about my major I decided to channel it. Here are the reasons why I found marketing to be a great major. If you have chosen something you regret, you can find a way to love it.

  1. The potential to have a job in a “the office” type setting-Being so close to others and being able to have strange work relationships like from the show the office. (Yes this show is actually possible-I have these kinds of relationships at my current job but I’d like it to stay that way in a new job. Plus, in an office setting I’ll be able to enjoy it more because the job I have now is very physically demanding and it makes me too tired to care as much as I could about how funny my co-workers are)
  2. Being an artist/scientist-I need to be creative to grab people’s attention while finding out what will grab their attention.
  3. Honestly, I see so much beauty in the business type. Dressing in business clothes, being strong and getting things done. The problem for me is that I’m not the business type. I can only pretend to be the business-type but then I’ll feel like a fraud next to these amazing people. If you are a businessman or woman, you can love yourself so much because of how impressive you are. Going to interviews and working your way up and giving presentations is incredibly hard. Yesterday I almost didn’t apply for a job because they said you need to be ok with presentations. That has always been my worst fear. Well, I thought to myself, “If I want to be as amazing as I view actual business people, I need to apply to this job and fight through my fear of presentations.”
  4. I also like the idea of a cute little cubicle.

Weddings alone

In two days I go to a wedding alone. My self esteem isn’t doing all too well at the moment and I desperately need a way to be okay with going alone. It’s a friend who has friends that are all confident and in relationships. Then there’s me. In my head, I’ll be the only one alone, which most likely will not be true. Before I would just say to myself, “I have to go. But this is going to be horrible. I cannot wait until it is over.” But now I can say, “I am going to go. But I need to make the most out of it by digging deep into the situation and finding the good.” I already knew it would make me stronger. However, this one didn’t seem so appealing this time. I’ll be strong going alone. That’s great! But not enough this time. I even had to google it because these blueprints to finding the good in every situation isn’t working with my brain right at this moment. I at least found that it’s not strange to go alone. I learned that other people go alone as well as I. It’s an experience. Not everyone can say they went to a wedding alone. It’s an accomplishment especially when you have low self-esteem. Writing that right there made me more confident but I still feel my nerves all over my body. Lets turn this moment into a bucket list task. “I want to survive a wedding alone.” Now, this will be my second wedding of my life. The only other one was when I was twelve. So, when will my next wedding be? Another ten years? I have found that this is an experience that is tough to deal with. A situation that would be awesome to survive. So, why not put it on my bucket list if I’ll feel accomplished when it’s all over? I can’t skip out now. I won’t be able to check this off for another ten years. What fun would it be to live on the safe side all the time? Any time you are about to do something you think you will hate, just think about how strong you will feel and grab your bucket list and write, “I want to get through [insert experience here] and come out stronger.” Be careful though. Don’t say to yourself, “I have to go.” Maybe find a perfect way out of the situation and then just throw it aside. In the end you may not believe you’re strong enough because you really didn’t have a way out. You “had” to go. Your brain might tell you, “You’re actually weak because you couldn’t even say no.” Well, now you can fight back your negative thoughts with that excuse you never used. “I could have stayed home, but I went anyway.” Now that’s being a warrior.

A new type of bucket list

We all spend so much time taking pictures. Whether that be for instagram or something of the sort. I recently got back from a trip in which I practiced this new type of bucket list I thought of. I call it, “The present bucket list.” What this means is to go into a situation that is either on your bucket list or just a situation you find yourself enjoying, and then take one picture of it, but just one. I mean, we all know that in good situations these days, most of  us, including myself, want to take a picture of it. This isn’t a bad thing in any way at all. Pictures are memories but it gets us into trouble if we only see what’s in front of us from behind a camera. What I did this week on vacation, doing things on my bucket list and looking at the scenery is take a picture, and then be sure that I am mindful. Mindfulness should take up most of the time spent on this. Not taking pictures or videos. Make sure if you are in a situation where you are ready to check something off your bucket list, make sure you really look at it. Act as though, for a few moments, that the different view of a camera never existed. Act as though your hand physically cannot move to place a checkmark next to this experience until you have practiced mindfulness in this situation and really looked and felt everyhing.

Difference between being brave and confident, and being brave and insecure

I used to face my fears a lot as a child but not because I wanted to nor did I do it joyfully. I was afraid to tell someone that I didn’t want to do it, so I went ahead and did it. My fear of telling people no was an avoidance in itself obviously. I used to play in volleyball games when I was too nervous to. I used to give presentations when I would have rather done anything else. We all hear that facing our fears makes everything easier right? Well, that’s not what happened in my case, when I was insecure. When I finished facing my other fears, such as being the center of attention in the volleyball games or doing presentations anyway, the fear made me feel worse. I never thought of the fact that it was amazing for me to be facing this fear. Even if I am afraid to tell someone my fear, either way I am facing something. When I was done facing my fear, I only felt empowered if I didn’t feel fear during it. If I felt horrible during it, like the time I almost vomited during a presentation at school, I felt weak, because I felt weak. I didn’t feel strong because I got through it. Now I realize that even if I get through something and still shake through it and feel fear throughout the whole thing, that makes me even stronger. The fear stayed with me, because of my negative attitude. “I did horrible. I never want to do that again. I’ll always be afraid.” Now my attitude is, “I am strong for fighting through my fear. Lets try again next time.” I have shown you in my last post about the beauty I see in confidence. I faced my fears as a child but I never looked like that girl in the picture of my last post. The girl who is getting her hair cut and looking up with her eyes closed with confidence and ferocity. I faced my fear then got up with negativity filling my mind and walked off insecure…off to being scared in the future of the same exact thing. A lack of fear was the only road to confidence for me. But that mindset made me scared. I hated fear…so I had a lot of it. Now I’m okay with fear, and while I still have it, I am a lot happier. So face your fears, and let yourself shake or let yourself be steady, but when you are done, make eye contact with others, and walk off like you have just conquered the world.

The moral of this story that I needed to hear: Fear, failure…none of that matters. All that matters in life is that you try.

Importance of broken record

There is a therapy skill called broken record and it basically says that if you tell yourself or someone else something over and over, you or they will eventually understand. I have heard it being used for things like when someone doesn’t listen. Just tell them over and over until they understand. But I have noticed that the other way works wonders. This way is telling yourself something until you understand it…until it saves you. So in therapy I have spent a lot of time listening to professionals telling me that nothing is bad or good. We all have different opinions. I know I have been talking about that a bunch in my blog about how we are all different and beauty is the eye of the beholder, but I thought I’d share with you how I got that attitude. I thank broken records for that one. So basically, if you read a book you think is bad, it’s not “bad.” Some people think it’s good and some think it’s bad. Dr. Suess was rejected 27 times before he got published. They thought he was bad,   I think he is good. Not only is it helpful, but it makes sense too! I’ll give you an example or two on how it has affected my life. I was told by someone that something I did was bad. (Vague, I know, but it wasn’t meant in a malicious way and I don’t want it to seem that this person was trying to hurt me, so I don’t want to go into details.) Instead of thinking, “Oh my gosh I did something so wrong!” My brain was too occupied with the thought, “Wait, you used the word bad. That’s not a word anymore. I wonder why she is saying that when that word doesn’t make sense.” It even works for good things as well. I volunteer sometimes and our team leader said thank you to me and said I’m a good volunteer. It was a nice compliment, but again I was confused, as the words good and bad don’t make sense. We are taught to use the word effective. “With the volunteer work I am doing, I am doing everything I am supposed to do in an efficient and effective manner.” And with the person who said I didn’t do something correctly, it could have been said, “I do not like it this way, please do it this way from now on.” This is really helpful because it gets me distracted from negative things being said to me, and it makes sense that nothing is actually good or bad. Now, thinking that things aren’t good is a hard thing to make yourself grasp. I understand that this one might be hard to pull into a loop over and over again in your head. But taking away the word bad doesn’t work unless you take away the word good. Saying I was a good volunteer made me feel good, despite thinking that the word good makes no sense. I knew what she meant and I was still happy.

Now let me break the records for you.

“Good and bad do not exist.”

“Good and bad do not exist.”

“Good and bad do not exist.”

Judgments on not having children

I had always dreamed of having children and getting married. When I was 15, I began having this fear that seemed all too real. This was the fear that I was so unlovable that I would never find anyone to fall in love with me, we would never get married, and I would never have children. This is still something I still feel today to a much less intense and real degree. Now, I am much better with my mental health even though I am still very insecure, hence still having this fear. But I actually had to find the beauty in growing up with only my animals. I always wanted a husband, children and animals, but in order to not go crazy with my future predicting of my dreams falling apart, I needed to create new dreams and find the beauty in my biggest dream falling apart. Now, I know it sounds bad to accept that I will never find someone to marry me or having children, but it’s also bad to dwell on it. So, I was able to find the beauty in living my life for animals. But there is something that still bothers me and it is judgments. Judgments about being childless. These kinds of judgments, about how your life went wrong because you never had children need to stop. These are kinds of judgments that cause my eating disorder to take over again, because I get too depressed. I just want people to know the beauty I see in not having children, while also telling about the pain I feel from these judgments.

Having only animals for life: I see a savior. The savior of creatures still alive. The savior of creatures that are sometimes all too often abandoned. I see the dog I love getting all the attention he deserves and having more time than I would to be with him. I see nights after work coming home to a dog. When I picture coming home to humans and then coming home to animals, I see the same. I see a beautiful picture.

Judgments are painful. We do not need to look down upon people for not having children. I have found beauty in whichever way my life has gone and I want people to treat me the same and feel happy for me. Happy for me and my animals. I have had negative words said to me by friends my age who have had children and it hurt extremely. But then I asked my friend when her sons first birthday was. She told me and then asked when my dogs second birthday was. It felt like she knows that my dog is my child, and it made my heart soar. I am taking care of something. Something that needs my help and needs me. Instead of asking when I’m having children or when I am going to be in a relationship, ask me about my dog.

Last but not least, I was looking up quotes about why not having children can be okay and I found an article called, “Why your top ten reasons for not having kids are stupid.” This article tears down the beauty people see in their lives. There is a piece of it that says having children is the biggest deal ever. And that we are choosing to get rid of this idea because we want to stay home and watch netflix. This hurts. Because that is not my case. I was insecure to the point where I had to accept something pretty harsh. I found the beauty in not having a family for many reasons. I have kind of given up on trying to find my soul mate because I was insecure. And now that I am more confident, I just don’t go out searching because I have found the beauty in it. People who judge me for being single and possibly always childless will make me more insecure even though I have found the beauty in it. We all have our own opinions but please do not judge, because it hurts and judgments cause so much damage.

Channeling depression

I have fallen down to a wave of depression recently. I must remember though, that depression comes in waves and it doesn’t last forever. To me, depression looks like not being able to feel joy in anything. What is especially upsetting is my hobbies that do not interest me anymore. Throughout my life, my hobbies have been so much to me and when depression started getting bad, I decided not to give up on them. This may sound like a good thing, but it leads me to not being able to do things that I need to do. When I am depressed I spend all of my time doing something I used to love, over and over until I feel joy in it again. This is also from anxiety. I get so anxious that the depression will last forever, that I spend time on my hobbies just to see if I feel anything again. If I don’t, I just keep trying. However, I need to do other things beside this. I need to do laundry, I need to study, I need to go out with friends, not only obsess about enjoying things in the way that I do. Going out with friends and being productive always helps but I never feel I have the motivation when I feel this way. Also, spending time “having fun,” isn’t really all that fun, when fun is just an experiment to see if depression this time will last forever. So I have decided to channel my depression and use it to make me feel good about myself. I am going to stop obsessing over this, and start doing the things I need to do. When I feel this way I want to stay inside and not speak to anyone until I feel joy again, but now I am going to suck it up and go out. I vow to do everything I need to do, and more. This will help me feel stronger. I will be able to tell myself that I can feel so depressed but I am strong enough to get through it and thrive on it. I think I will thrive because it is motivation now, my depression. Everything will feel like climbing up a mountain and this makes it more motivating. I also love this idea because it will make me feel respected as an adult. I used to hate the idea of being an adult. It seemed so boring. But now, being an adult means respect. For this wave of depression I am going to make a list of things I need to do during the times when I would rather not. I am going to continue my longer walks with my dog. I will continue trying my hardest to lucid dream (which I have been trying for awhile but haven’t succeeded and have almost given up). I am going to give my all to school and studies, and I will continue writing and doing yoga every day. My hope is that I will feel empowered and happy just by defying the depression and I will feel respected and strong. Maybe that is the cure for me.

Ps. I can’t believe I forgot the most important part! I’m using this depression as a way of telling me I have more potential. If I stop obsessing on things that I’m never going to pursue, then I need to do other things that will unlock my true potential! Think of your depression like that! It’s getting you to not enjoy old things, in order to try the new!