Tonight I have strong urges. However, unlike the popular action of using skills to rid yourself of these urges, I am channeling them and using an urge to use behaviors as motivation to not use behaviors. I want to be strong and I want to fight. Tonight I am going into snack with an excitedness to fight. I’m going to feel out of control and guilty and that’s why I’m doing it. On days when I don’t have urges, I’m just eating. Today I am fighting and this is motivating to go to the battle.
An eating disorder of mine stemming out from this, at least when it started and it was due to body image. I thought it was the common stereotype that women had to be fragile and thin. Therefore, according to the world, I had to use eating disordered behaviors and lose weight. However, now I see how much more wonderful it is to fight and be a warrior. Two things got me to this point. And all they were, were two sights to see. One was a girl carrying a chair over her shoulder like it was nothing. She did not complain. Another was reading a book about how a girl escaped. It made me think of being one of a team in a lost jungle. Being the damsel in distress who does not want to be hurt is holding the group behind. Suddenly, I lived to be a warrior. A few things I have learned about being a warrior is that you can be one no matter what you are now. No matter what the personality you possess, you are or can become a warrior. Don’t let anyone tell you, you are fake for trying to be strong. This is surviving and self improvement. Also, if you ever think of yourself as weak because some people are born able to do the things you used to not be able to do, like talking on the phone, that makes you stronger that you pushed through it. This is my example actually. “Normal” people did not have to push through all that anxiety I had when calling people, and now I can call people without a problem. Fighting through anxiety is what makes you strong, not being born without it. And in case you are unconvinced, being a warrior is beautiful. Fierce is beautiful. This is the only time in this blog I will not put two contrasting gif’s or pictures next to one another to show the beauty in both because I think we all have the power to be stronger. Wanting to be fragile is self-destructive in my book. It is true, however, fierce can be just as desirable.
This is from Anne hathaway. On her instagram account she posted a picture of shorts being cut in half. She talks about there being no shame in gaining weight and that there should never be any shame. At the end she says, “Love what you are given.” This gives me more perspective into my recovery word of “Rude.” I have said in the past that the word rude seems like the most degrading thing and how I am trying to apply my eating disorder ways to this most horrid adjective. It reminds me of a childish meanness and not loving what you are given, is something I can now see myself as being rude if I hate my body and try to change it. I have a life and I’m trying to get rid of it for control, and that is rude of me. Lets not demand more than what we have. Lets be grateful for the beautiful bodies we have.
(This is something I wrote about going to treatment and everyone saying that the eating disorder is a monstrous liar and the eating disorder getting a taste of his own medicine. Eventually all he knows is how to deprive himself to deal with painful situations, so by not saying horrible things to us, he develops his own eating disorder then the stronger we get, he will die and we will recover. I also have always been scared of sharing poetry and have been writing songs since I was in 6th grade, and have quit for awhile but i’m back to it now and normally I would not share my writing for fear of it not being good enough but I think this situation of me posting this could be a metaphor in this poem. As I am posting this poem of defying the eating disorder, I am defying the insecurity that my ed preys on.)
One step at a time,
You can lose them just lie.
Don’t listen ugly girl, I swear I love you,
Do they all agree I’m a monster?
How the hell could you?
All of them say I’m wrong and horrid,
How would you feel if your bad thoughts are proven?
You cry, but I am abused all round this room,
But all it was, was I, inside of you.
Ok fine, people love you,
It was just me saying awful things,
However YOU can never understand how much I hurt now,
Because now the whole world says I’m nothing.
I need you please don’t go away,
Or Ill use the only thing I know,
And I’ll hurt myself until I am something,
And then my marks will again show.
So I won’t tell you you’re ugly today,
And then I know you’ll miss me,
But remember I thrive on the pain,
So soon you must come back to me.
Ok you caught me, I lied,
I don’t speak for what’s best for you,
But that’s ok you deserve to die,
No matter what people say to you.
But now I have malnourished myself from not drinking your tears,
And have not absorbed love of nourishment from the depths of your mind,
All in the act of saving myself,
But now I am going to die.
My own personal experience tells you with truth, that everyone on this planet is beautiful. Whether it be inside or out. I have been through a lot with my demons. It seems I always have different demons, or maybe they change their minds just as fast as I do. However, one day I can want to be seen as smart and my demons tell me I’m stupid. Or another day I want to be stupid, and my demons tell me I’m smart. I have seen the beauty in it all. It’s like my mind and heart have been through all the corners of every aspect there is to being a human, and has found a way to be fond of it all. I always hated not being able to like anything about myself, obviously, but now I see it as an advantage as I have something that allows me to see the beauty in every situation. This time it is forced by my own consciousness instead of a thought wandering into my head without invitation. I am able to tell people about it now. If only my teenager self had known that it would all be worth it. Some times I want to be silly. Which is beautiful.
And sometimes I want to be reserved. Which is beautiful.
My advice is to find who you truly are and then find the beauty in that. I have found this by seeing myself, mostly something that I have tried to change about myself, in someone else. If I see an aspect of my true self in another person, it’s easier for me to see it as amazing. Then my mind changes all around. It all depends on how you look at it. This beauty is still the eye of the beholder. You may see so many aspects of silliness and still don’t see it being lovely in yourself, but the harder you look, you will find something that makes you love yourself. A better interpretation of this amazing aspect you possess. A way to see the beauty in yourself that others tell you they see, but something you are desperate to change. Here’s hoping that you can take this blog post and apply it to your amazing self and finally be at peace. Because I understand all too well how tiring it is to hate yourself. With every single thing in the world a human can posses being beautiful in some way, you are not worth hating yourself.
Society is rude. In my opinion the only negative aspects a person can have comes from the inside and it is if you try to bring others down. Obviously, we have all done this, but changing into a more positive outlook on your body and yourself isn’t considered to be fake in my book. I know I have worried about changing my personality and wondering way too much about my true self in order to not be considered fake. However, I have had this opinion for many years that if you are changing yourself for the better, as a more positive, kinder and happier person, it is considered self-improvement, not being untrue to yourself. No one can accurately call you fake for being kinder and smiling brighter. So therefore, society being rude and being a very big thing that gets people to engage in eating disordered behaviors by promoting restricting, purging, over-exercising and an unhealthy body weight, is just rude, and negative, and does not go along with the values of my healthy mind. I remember a friend of mine responding to a good natured joke I made recently and called it rude. She sounded like the word was a good natured joke as well but this word “rude” just to me seems so degrading, and the last thing that I would want to be. When I thought of society as rude, however, it seemed all so appropriate. So, lets show only the examples of when society is the beautiful words of kind, accepting, and lovely. This is from a youtube video called Cameron Russell: Looks aren’t everything, believe me, I’m a model. She explains in this Ted talk that this move she is demonstrating is how they take action shots of models in magazines. The images we see are not at all what they seem. They were by chance. A model did not stand there perfectly upon his or her first direction. It is actually jumping like this a bunch of times. She explained that she never wore a bikini when she wore a one piece in a photoshoot. She never had a boyfriend when she had to do a shoot with a man in the frame with her, like they were together. I really recommend looking at this. She says with the most beautiful confusion and judgement (I know these are normally ineffective but bear with me) about how she was confused how she didn’t get a ticket from the police because of her looks, while others have to pay for their tickets. The last gif I have here is of a model Cara Delevinge laughing at the thought of losing weight. This is what the concept of society needs to be aware of. It’s pathetic to make us do these deadly things to ourself. Cara’s face is how to react to society if anyone or anything tries to tell us to do ANYTHING to change our perfect bodies that allow us to live on this beautiful planet.
In group therapy today one therapist told us that one of the first things she learned in her classes at college for therapy was that people with eating disorders are simply that…people with eating disorders. They are not anorexic or bulimic, they are people with eating disorders. As far as I’m concerned, this was taught in a college class, not said by a random person without any knowledge of eating disorders, the many people who use these words, so therefore I believe this to be true, that these words are not actual words. This takes away the motivation of doing awful things to ourselves because we feel it is our identity. If anyone uses the words anorexic or bulimic around me, I will accurately say that they are wrong.