Beauty in my major

When I was getting ready to go to college I was depressed and didn’t care at all about my future. Now I am so excited for my future that I got depressed about having a major I don’t like, but have channeled my excitement and turned my excitement on my major and found the beauty in it. My major is marketing and I always wanted to do things with animals. I wanted to be a marine biologist and I was going to go to college for that but I ended up being so depressed I literally just clicked a major and went on with my life. I knew nothing of marketing. I didn’t care that I wasn’t interested, because I wasn’t interested in anything. So instead of sulking about my major I decided to channel it. Here are the reasons why I found marketing to be a great major. If you have chosen something you regret, you can find a way to love it.

  1. The potential to have a job in a “the office” type setting-Being so close to others and being able to have strange work relationships like from the show the office. (Yes this show is actually possible-I have these kinds of relationships at my current job but I’d like it to stay that way in a new job. Plus, in an office setting I’ll be able to enjoy it more because the job I have now is very physically demanding and it makes me too tired to care as much as I could about how funny my co-workers are)
  2. Being an artist/scientist-I need to be creative to grab people’s attention while finding out what will grab their attention.
  3. Honestly, I see so much beauty in the business type. Dressing in business clothes, being strong and getting things done. The problem for me is that I’m not the business type. I can only pretend to be the business-type but then I’ll feel like a fraud next to these amazing people. If you are a businessman or woman, you can love yourself so much because of how impressive you are. Going to interviews and working your way up and giving presentations is incredibly hard. Yesterday I almost didn’t apply for a job because they said you need to be ok with presentations. That has always been my worst fear. Well, I thought to myself, “If I want to be as amazing as I view actual business people, I need to apply to this job and fight through my fear of presentations.”
  4. I also like the idea of a cute little cubicle.

Importance of broken record

There is a therapy skill called broken record and it basically says that if you tell yourself or someone else something over and over, you or they will eventually understand. I have heard it being used for things like when someone doesn’t listen. Just tell them over and over until they understand. But I have noticed that the other way works wonders. This way is telling yourself something until you understand it…until it saves you. So in therapy I have spent a lot of time listening to professionals telling me that nothing is bad or good. We all have different opinions. I know I have been talking about that a bunch in my blog about how we are all different and beauty is the eye of the beholder, but I thought I’d share with you how I got that attitude. I thank broken records for that one. So basically, if you read a book you think is bad, it’s not “bad.” Some people think it’s good and some think it’s bad. Dr. Suess was rejected 27 times before he got published. They thought he was bad,   I think he is good. Not only is it helpful, but it makes sense too! I’ll give you an example or two on how it has affected my life. I was told by someone that something I did was bad. (Vague, I know, but it wasn’t meant in a malicious way and I don’t want it to seem that this person was trying to hurt me, so I don’t want to go into details.) Instead of thinking, “Oh my gosh I did something so wrong!” My brain was too occupied with the thought, “Wait, you used the word bad. That’s not a word anymore. I wonder why she is saying that when that word doesn’t make sense.” It even works for good things as well. I volunteer sometimes and our team leader said thank you to me and said I’m a good volunteer. It was a nice compliment, but again I was confused, as the words good and bad don’t make sense. We are taught to use the word effective. “With the volunteer work I am doing, I am doing everything I am supposed to do in an efficient and effective manner.” And with the person who said I didn’t do something correctly, it could have been said, “I do not like it this way, please do it this way from now on.” This is really helpful because it gets me distracted from negative things being said to me, and it makes sense that nothing is actually good or bad. Now, thinking that things aren’t good is a hard thing to make yourself grasp. I understand that this one might be hard to pull into a loop over and over again in your head. But taking away the word bad doesn’t work unless you take away the word good. Saying I was a good volunteer made me feel good, despite thinking that the word good makes no sense. I knew what she meant and I was still happy.

Now let me break the records for you.

“Good and bad do not exist.”

“Good and bad do not exist.”

“Good and bad do not exist.”

My challenge to all those who are insecure

My insecurity has been helped by changing my perspective. I have been looking at every person, including myself, and finding something I like in everything. When I am silly, I can find something I like when I act silly. When I am serious, I can find something I like when I act serious. I have been putting together on this blog, a bunch of pictures and gif’s that show my view of beauty in every inch of the world. My challenge to you is to do the same. Create a collage, a blog post, notice it in your mind. Find your personality on someone else and document it as a beautiful you. For example, self as context says that we are only ourselves and that means without labels. It shows a way in which labels are inaccurate. Labels do not exist because we are not any certain thing 100% of the time. For me, I hated how big my feet were, until I saw it on someone else. This was actually Taylor Swift. We have around the same size and long, long ago, she was on Saturday night live, and I saw something that made me accept my feet, just because I liked the way they looked on her. Society tells us that we cannot be confident. Pretend like you’re in an action movie and love your damn self! I’ve talked about this before but when I was in 8th grade my teacher said her feet got bigger when she was pregnant. She clarified that they got longer. It was the way she talked about larger feet with different words. Longer, not bigger. Not that big is bad, but at the time, thinking my feet were just long really helped me accept. Love yourself. It is possible. Beauty is the eye of the beholder, and you are the beholder when you look in the mirror. You are not unloveable, you just don’t love yourself, while so many others see the light in you.

My dreams to end pro ed and my advice to those who engage in that kind of language

Pro ed is when people are talking about eating disorders like they are “achievements” or “Good things.” This is deadly. Because of this, people are getting worse in their eating disorder or beginning one. I feel this is still “acceptable” (Acceptable mainly meaning ignored and not punishable except on certain websites) because of the lack of education among the world with eating disorders. For people who do not understand, people suffering with eating disorders can get triggered into doing harmful and deadly things to their bodies based on intentional and unintentional words or actions. It has turned eating disorders into a competition and it is why I have started my goal of trying to get education out in order to end it. The competition is of things such as people’s instagram accounts saying on descriptions things like, Hospitalization times (blank), lowest bmi, highest bmi, etc. In treatment, numbers and food talk is strictly off limits. I have seen accounts that have pictures making fun of people who are bigger which is strictly pro ed. People do not understand that talk like pro ed talk is not just harmful to themselves, it is harmful to people with mental illnesses and it can be deadly. When people are getting by saying these horrible things and being ignored instead of people telling them to stop is completely baffling to me, and the only logical thing that I can think of on this subject as to why this continues to happen, is the lack of education. This is especially important with eating disorders because most people do not know how sick they truly are. Someone could be the same bmi as someone but think that the other person looks thin, but they do not.  So this person goes into drastic measures to no avail, because the weight never gets to that place. As for the issue of control, someone could mention a daily caloric number and suddenly this leads to someone’s downward spiral of their eating disorder due to feeling like they must get to that caloric number to feel they have some control in their life or over themselves. I admit that I have had some thoughts of saying things when someone says something to me. When people talk about behaviors like achievements and things of that nature, I feel so insecure about it that I used to feel like I had to join in. First of all, my actions and these other people’s actions do no help to anyone. Second of all, I just want to give my advice to people who engage in pro ed talk. Use opposite action. Maybe you like the way you feel with the way you talk, but I guarantee it feels better to be strong and invincible. This year, I have had people say negative things to me that I have wanted to say something along the lines of, “me too!” But I have used opposite action which means you think of what your eating disorder wants you to say, and just do the opposite. Just think, an eating disorder is a killer. It only causes harm and death, and this should not be who you listen to. This is something that helps me because it makes me feel like, “What on earth does that say about me? I’m listening to a dangerous entity.” All it takes is a second to walk away from the conversation. You may not want to, and you may actually think it would be stupid to not say anything, but, like i have witnessed in myself, as soon as you start doing this, the sooner the triggers go away. Without triggers, pro ed doesn’t have anything to thrive on considering this is basically what pro ed is, which is triggering others on purpose to harm themselves. Since doing this, I have ended treatment feeling strong and not scared. In conclusion, all that read this post, I have one favor that I beg of you. Tell the people you know of this. And let them know of how people with eating disorders feel when these types of things are said. For me, I get very affected by laughing and smiling after behavior talk. All it takes is for people to talk about it, and in my opinion, relapse rates would go down significantly as I am one who relapsed from pro ed talk.

A bordem morsel of an update! 

Today is Sunday at 2:30 am. This is my last day before I go to treatment for 11 hours a day. (Or 6 if I can beg to get that) I went to see my dietician and told her that as soon as I go in, I’m going to ask them about 6 hours and if they say no just let them know that i am so ready for recovery that if they will not let me I’ll just tell them I’m going to discharge myself in a month or so from 11 hours to nothing basically because I have a life which is different from last time. Last year I was going in with every intention of relapsing the moment I left. However my dietician snapped some sense into me and told me that, that is not the best way to go about things and is not a good way, like I thought it was, to let them know how ready for recovery I am. That is perhaps that last way, as I am basically saying that I am not willing to stay for the amount of time I need in order to get well. This is becuase getting well fully means putting your life on hold, not doing a superficial job just to get out sooner. At first, this disconcerted me as I thought finally having a life and dreams means wellness, but that is the beginning of all the wellness. Basically this means to me that I have entered treatment without the beginning of what is required for treatment in the past. No the beginning of treatment is not stepping foot into a center all of the time and beginning to eat. A large portion of the time it must start in your mind. This is something to tell people who don’t understand that eating disorders are mental llnesses. The disease begins in your mind, therefore the recovery must originate from there as well. 

Not eating a (blank) is horrible instead

I must explain that I say the word blank instead of the real food because I don’t want others to feel the way I felt about this food when someone said it wasn’t good to eat it. I almost used (beep) instead of blank, but obviously nothing to do with food is a curse word) Once upon a time I was in treatment and I ate a (blank). I was having a lot of trouble with feeling full after meals and was trying to find something smaller that would count as a full exchange. (Aw, look at ed making excuses, no I probably just really wanted a damn (blank)) Honestly, (blanks) made their way into that treatment center. Is there a metal detector like thing that stops (blanks) or any kind of typical fear food from entering the building of a place with people with eating disorders? No. There is a reason (blanks) were in that kitchen. And that means that they are not going to kill us. It means that just because some person considers them a fear food doesn’t mean everyone else will. A little while after breakfast we went to group and a girl said, “I can’t eat a (blank).”This is something that has haunted me so much after it happened. We have been told time and time again that food talk is off limits. Hence why I will not say the name of this food. This might seem like an exaggeration…I was once told to stop for saying butter in spanish. I am grateful for this now so I can prove my point. People got in trouble all the time for saying even the word of a food item, and I wish this carried on to this moment. I sat there and didn’t do anything. If it was today I would have lifted my arms up in frustration or walked out of the room and talked to my therapist and made sure I was able to talk to this girl about what she said and how it made me feel after I just ate something she said she could never eat. And she didn’t say she wouldn’t, she said she couldn’t, like (blanks) are physically horribly possible to eat. This has eaten me up for so long until today. I have been trying hard to eat before I go into treatment. I was eating today but I wasn’t going to eat this particular thing. But my mom ate it. So I felt horrible for not eating it, I didn’t want my mom to feel bad, or like I felt that day in group. Anorexia, you will not make me fear certain foods. When you make me fear certain foods that my loved ones are ok with eating, this time it doesn’t make me guilty over food itself, it makes me feel guilty for how they must feel. They must feel the way I felt that day. They must look at me being scared to eat the same food they are eating and wonder what is wrong with it. They might wonder what I think of them that they are eating that. No, I will not let you hurt the people I love because you’re a horrible killer. so therefore, sitting there and not eating something the people I love are eating, is just horrible. I must be hurting them doing that.

We are told we are not our eating disorder, yet we are called anorexic or bulimic

I think the main thing I have been told in treatment is we are not our eating disorder. meaning our thoughts are separate. If our brain was healthy we would not think these things so there is a disease in our mind that is causing these thoughts but if we get our brain better, then we will not have thoughts given to us by the eating disorder. Yet the words anorexic and bulimic exist. To me, this reinforces the identity aspect. To some, people do not want to be known this way, they want a different identity and they want to not be associated with the disease as a part of who they are. Others can be triggered into eating disorders, a relapse or more behaviors because of a lack of identity, and “anorexic and bulimic” is an identity. I know that Ednos patients sometimes feel like a failed eating disorder because I have read articles like people who have failed at their eating disorder because they were not diagnosed as anorexic or bulimic. Yet with Ednos and BED you just have that disease, and there is no word that, I guess, makes you identify with it. (unless there is a word and I just haven’t heard it yet) This makes it sound less serious in my opinion and I know of people that are not taken seriously with these illnesses and people who feel they need to get to rock bottom before they get help because no one believes them. The words anorexic and bulimic separates these illnesses from diseases that are just as serious. You may think that they are just words, they don’t mean anything, but every time I hear the words I think about how many times I was told that I am not my eating disorder, so why are we anorexic?