Beauty in my major

When I was getting ready to go to college I was depressed and didn’t care at all about my future. Now I am so excited for my future that I got depressed about having a major I don’t like, but have channeled my excitement and turned my excitement on my major and found the beauty in it. My major is marketing and I always wanted to do things with animals. I wanted to be a marine biologist and I was going to go to college for that but I ended up being so depressed I literally just clicked a major and went on with my life. I knew nothing of marketing. I didn’t care that I wasn’t interested, because I wasn’t interested in anything. So instead of sulking about my major I decided to channel it. Here are the reasons why I found marketing to be a great major. If you have chosen something you regret, you can find a way to love it.

  1. The potential to have a job in a “the office” type setting-Being so close to others and being able to have strange work relationships like from the show the office. (Yes this show is actually possible-I have these kinds of relationships at my current job but I’d like it to stay that way in a new job. Plus, in an office setting I’ll be able to enjoy it more because the job I have now is very physically demanding and it makes me too tired to care as much as I could about how funny my co-workers are)
  2. Being an artist/scientist-I need to be creative to grab people’s attention while finding out what will grab their attention.
  3. Honestly, I see so much beauty in the business type. Dressing in business clothes, being strong and getting things done. The problem for me is that I’m not the business type. I can only pretend to be the business-type but then I’ll feel like a fraud next to these amazing people. If you are a businessman or woman, you can love yourself so much because of how impressive you are. Going to interviews and working your way up and giving presentations is incredibly hard. Yesterday I almost didn’t apply for a job because they said you need to be ok with presentations. That has always been my worst fear. Well, I thought to myself, “If I want to be as amazing as I view actual business people, I need to apply to this job and fight through my fear of presentations.”
  4. I also like the idea of a cute little cubicle.

Blueprints to being okay with going to therapy

I used to be ashamed of going to therapy like I believe a lot of people are, but now I am so extremely grateful for everything that I have learned. And this is not only because it helped me live a better life and everything therapy does for an individual…but because of going to therapy itself…I love myself for it. When most people think of going to therapy, they don’t think of going to therapy for the experience or think of going about and telling everyone how much they love themselves just for the act of going to therapy rather than the outcome itself. Many people just go to therapy for the outcome, which I obviously understand. But for me I finally found the beauty in the act of going to therapy rather than just the outcome. You can love what your soul became when you emerged from therapy but you can also love that fact that you went even if you aren’t completely cured from your ailments. You don’t have to look at your recovered self in your actions and wish, “I wish I was born this way,” or “I wish I could have gotten well on my own.” You can be okay with needing help and the things you learned along the way. Finding this kind of intelligence about mental health through my treatment and therapy journey has made things so much clearer in my head. I believe that therapy showed me my intelligence. Without being born with mental health struggles, I wouldn’t have wanted to learn about my brain. But I was forced to learn about it when my mental health deteriorated. I feel that I learned so much that I can speak intelligently about my own experiences, how I got well and can now see clearly what I believe is right and wrong. I know a lot about the brain and therapy skills now that I can speak of them with intelligence and say how much it worked because of how far gone I was in my eating disorder and managed to bounce back. Going to therapy I didn’t just learn to begin getting better, I learned like a student how to use my own opinions on the world and be able to express them and add my newfound therapy intelligence to my opinions. So be okay with yourself just for going to therapy every time you enter that room even if you still have negative thoughts every single day. Even if I was still trapped in my brain right now, I would be happy with what I have learned, even if I don’t have a desire to go to school to be a therapist.

The beauty in being an only child

Because it was national siblings day, I decided to talk about something I always hated about myself…being an only child. It was rare and everyone seemed so happy with their siblings (even though they fought, I thought that was better than being an only child). But now that I have gotten older, I have found ways to love it. One of them being one of the reasons why I hated it…it is rare. We are a rare breed. I look at people now who are only children in a different way I looked at them when I was younger. I used to think, “finally, someone to share my pain,” but now I think of it as beautifully unique. This thought in itself makes me okay with it all. This also means that the roommates I have had over the years have been like an adventure because I’ve never shared a room with anyone until then. There really should be a national only children day for the only children and a way to speak about the stereotypes. I don’t think this makes you lonely. I think it makes you okay with being alone. I love being alone with just me and my dog, and I believe being without siblings prepared me for this. So are you an only child? You are beautifully unique. Thank you to the other only children posts on the internet that helped me see this.

Worthiness I see in different types of humor

Physical-I definitely see a lot of worthiness in physical humor. It’s an art and a sport in one. I see this as an intense and energetic funniness that I love. When I see someone using physical comedy I know they can love themselves because of how endearing they are. It is impressive and makes people smile at the same time.

Impressions-If I were an impressionist I would love myself for being able to be like the people I admire. The people whose mannerisms I love, they could become a part of me when I impersonate them. When I was younger I thought impersonation was mean but when I changed my perspective and got inside the mind of an impressionist who loves themselves, I found the joy and admiration that drive these comedians. I am actually trying out some for the first time in my life because of thinking about impressions this way.

Witty One-liners that are a combination of intelligence and humor being done quickly in a situation. I see so much potential for self love in this intelligent type of funniness.

And then I don’t know what kind of comedy you would call Kristen Wiig and Kate McKinnon besides when they sometimes do impressions, but I love every bit of these two. l2JhAmuESLx73WWbK.gifBecause of Kate McKinnon I have grown to be okay with the strange facial expressions I make because I found the worthiness of them on her.

 

Gifs from Giphy.com

Envy disintegrates in recovery from an eating disorder

Growing up I felt envy a lot. I was envious of girls if they were pretty, smart, funny etc because I wanted to be just like them.  With an eating disorder there is a triggering aspect of one person doing a behavior and then the other person wanting to do the same thing. When one person says they have done something I feel horrible about myself for not doing it. It shows when I was in treatment and we would talk about our behaviors from the night before. If I did well, I felt bad for that if someone else used a behavior. The reason for this was because I felt they had more control than I did. Then I would go and do that behavior the next night. Once someone said something about something I ate in a treatment center and I have never been able to eat it since because I felt bad about myself. (This fear is a great motivation for being strong so I will get over this fear of this food and soon) Now that I am doing well I have something else to give to myself besides pain. My eating disorder was a form of self-harm I believed I deserved since I was young. Now I want to give myself physical and mental strength.  When I see people who are strong, I look up to them, and then when all I want is some trivial, thing just to be accepted, I envy. Finding the beauty in a vision for yourself that also helps you life a  happy life was my key for envy to disappear. Normally I would be jealous of the people who have what I strive for, but now I respect them for being this way. I respect my co-workers immensely for being all that they are. I don’t envy them, I admire them. I see them as beautiful but I don’t envy them, I look up to them. And the envy disintegrates as I make my way towards a recovered life forever. Recovery has given me the lovely feeling of seeing a dream of worthiness in myself reflected on someone else and being able to feel happiness instead of shame at my own self. Striving for strength seems to be the key. Striving for perfection left me envious and striving for strength left me inspired and happy. How much more free would we all feel with inspiration rather than evny? I would surely feel like I was dancing in the wind with birds fluttering around me writing yes into the sky. Moral: When you strive for something just so others look at you differently, this leads to insecurities and negative emotions. When you strive for something to help yourself, you can find the beauty in this new you and live a happy life.

ENTJ and ENTP

ENTJ is the commander and ENTP is the debater. The people I look up to in ENTJ are Jim Carrey and Harrison Ford. As for ENTP I look up to Adam Savage, Tom Hanks and Captain Jack sparrow. With every personality type I see a type of intensity that I love. The intensity from ENTJ I see that would make me love myself if I were that type of person would be the fact that they posses a piece of myself that I wish to be. I wish to be the type of person who knows when they are right and won’t let anyone take it away. A serious manner woven into the things they do when they are in a job situation telling people what they need to be doing. That type of courage is a type of intensity that I desire. I would love myself with the debater personality because they seem respectable and fair. Now, I am having a little trouble understanding this one so I will do more research on this a little later but from what I understand, these people will look at situations from all sides. This makes them, like I said, seem very fair and thus respectable. These kinds of people are so strong in a way I wish to be myself. I wish to not care about what others think about my opinions. I wish to be strong and share my opinions without backing down and apologizing for my beliefs. Love yourself as an ENTJ for being strong and standing up for who you are and love yourself as an ENTP for being strong and standing up for what you believe in. Standing up for anything is intense as you speak your mind with fire in your eyes because the importance of your words shows in every inch of you as you fight.

How to find worthiness in INTJ and INTP

People I look up to in INTJ are Michelle Obama and Jane Austen. If I was an INTJ I would love myself for the idea of being a bookworm since childhood. I didn’t like books as child and I think many children aren’t too thrilled with the idea of reading. (Correct me if I’m wrong on that) I love myself today in my INFP nature because I love to read especially in a time where many read even on a screen. However, I wish I had been a bookworm all along, since childhood. When I remember all the things I was doing as a child, it would have been much more productive to even have read just a little bit. It has also been said that INTJ have trouble expressing their emotions. I have a past post on the beauty of vulnerability and the beauty of not being able to express your emotions. I found that if I was a person who could not express emotions I would have a deadpan sort of nature like from Wes Anderson movies, and seeing those actors in that state makes me like the idea of a deadpan personality. Like I have stated in the past, this may be harmful to your mental health, but if you cannot help not being able to express your emotions, don’t get trapped in self-loathing because of this part of you, because I have found worthiness in it. INTP is the logician. People with this personality I look up to are Albert Einstein and Ellen Page. If I had this personality I would love myself for scientific discoveries as I love science. I imagine these people to spend countless hours in science labs which is a version of intensity that I love. This reminds me of those science fiction movies and shows and how I want to be that scientist stuck in his/her mind trying to solve problems.