This is obviously very off topic and new for me considering I am not a mother, but I wanted to talk about this. The only time I have actually witnessed mom shaming has been on the internet. I have never seen or heard anyone shaming a mother in public. I know this probably happens, and I know it makes me lucky that I have never had to witness such things. The only mom shaming I have actually witnessed with my own eyes is the occasional doubt of my own mother’s mothering skills. What I mean by this is that in my life, I have heard my mom upset at her parenting skills. Not very often, maybe three times in my whole life, but it’s upsetting. It’s upsetting to see your parents upset for one, but it’s also upsetting to see them upset at their parenting skills. I mean, we are the children and we love our parents. We don’t want them upset. So I see mom shaming on the internet. Specially I have seen Pink being mom shamed on Instagram recently. I am not a mother and I don’t know what really is dangerous for a child. What I do know is that I am the child and I am upset when my mother mom shames herself. How would I feel if I actually heard someone insult her mothering? I would probably be heart broken. Mom shaming is something moms do to other moms when they don’t believe their parents skills are up to par. What is the point of this? I always thought it was because they were worried for the child or cared for this other child. That may be exactly what it is. However, I believe mom shaming to be counter productive and does the exact opposite. If someone were to insult my mothers parenting skills when I was a child, those words would not help me…they would hurt me because they would hurt my mom. Mom shaming is there to try and guilt a mother into changing her ways for the better of the child. It does the opposite. It makes the child sad for the adult that loves and cares for them. So lets stop this mother shaming.
My therapists have said they thought I was going to relapse. They said this a lot. Maybe they said that because they knew in my mind, but I never admitted it out loud, that as soon as I hit outpatient I was going to relapse, and I planned multiple lapses in IOP. It was a weird situation. My psychiatrist from Colorado once worked in Ohio where I’m from. Colorado I was just a balling mess. In Ohio, a few months after Colorado, I went to treatment in a new place that opened. My psychiatrist there worked with my psychiatrist from Colorado and when she went on vacation, my colorado psychaistist took her place for a week. I was in IOP so there was a good chance I wasn’t going to see her, however I really wanted to. I wanted to reedmen myself so bad. To show her I am capable of smiling though I do remember once time in Colorado laughing a lot in her office but then the next day she was getting calls from PCA’s because I couldn’t stop crying. I got to see her for a brief moment. After all that everyone said, after all that everyone thought. After all my thoughts about relapsing as soon as I could. The times I felt like I could barely breathe because all I wanted to do was go back to the eating disorder but I was stuck in treatment. The first thing that happened was my mom. I went to the movies with my friend on a Thursday and I was expecting it to be crowded. It was the opposite. Barely anyone was there, and I realized it was because it was Thursday. Everyone is working, including my mom who has had to work while I had to temporarily drop out of college twice for treatment. Now I’m going to the movies while my mom is working hard. I cried a long time after I got home. I should have a job, I need to get my act together or I will feel like this forever if I’m in and out of treatment my whole life. I knew eventually that the feeling would fade. I knew someday ed would come back and take over again because whenever I feel so sad about the guilt of ed, he always has the power to make him sound more important. It was true, that guilt faded but by then I had a crazy bond with my dog that it made me crazy to think about someone taking that away. Guilt again, is the main reason for recovery for me I guess. Last year I felt recovery as feeling sad when you use behaviors instead of feeling relieved. But all of this is recovering for someone else. Feeling sad about behaviors is better than them making you feeling relieved, but sometimes I was still using them, and this was because even though I had what seems to be the 2 biggest reasons to recover, I didn’t have the ACTUAL biggest reason to recover…myself. When I was in Colorado I missed my mom so much I did not want to risk going this far away from home for treatment ever, ever again. I recovered for 2 months when I got home. Thinking about how miserable I was and how adamant I was to stay home and not relapse, it baffles me that I lasted only 2 months. It was because I still had a reason to keep using behaviors. I had the biggest reason to stay home, but I still had a reason to use behaviors. I need to want to recover to be happy, to have a life, to get to my dreams and all time goals. Not to make someone else happy because in the end, YOU will not be happy. If you are getting better for yourself you will also be getting better for your loved ones while also being happy. This is again why I’m doing this blog. Sharing my story because ed doesn’t want me to. The rare time I defy him is with this blog. I have been struggling lately and I decided to try anything in order to get better for myself so I can get better for my mom and puppy.