This post is all about “should statements.” I was trying to think logically about how I messed up at work yesterday and at first I did well. Then the day went on and I started to believe another thought, “You should have done better.” Then I channeled everything that happened that day. “No, actually I should NOT have done better. I now have this memory, this BIG memory because of what happened from my mess up, and I will most likely never make the mistake again.” I mean, I might make the same mistake again but since the memory of my mess up is so big in my mind, the probability of doing it again goes drastically down. So maybe I “should” have done differently, but I really should not have done differently if you see what I mean. Anything that could have a “should statement” in front of it, is just a barrier to learning something that will help you so much in the long run. This memory of this mess up is now in my mind. So if anyone tells me I should or should not do something, I will just say (or think to myself), “The word should is the barrier to best lesson I could learn.” The best lesson because mistakes are harder to forget. So much different than looking at a lesson on a chalkboard. So don’t just push should statements out of your mind, channel them the opposite direction. You “shouldn’t” have made that mistake at work? Well you learned something out of it so maybe you should have.
PS: The way I came up with this post is because I wanted to write something. I thought really hard about my dilemma. Harder than I would if I just wanted to be happy. I didn’t want to turn my emotions into art and be creative because being creative to me can sometimes makes things worse if I am in a bad state. So I decided to think of something to blog about and I came up with this gem of a coping skill. (Well really an extra little twist to this already known coping skill). Basically I knew I wanted to write something in my time of insecurity because feeling creative or feeling smart could help me with my problems and I wanted to showcase the things I know. So I wrote about it and came up with something else. If you have no other motivation for using coping skills, try to remember how good it feels to blog about your intelligence and what you came up with on your own. That could be motivation in itself to think positively like it motivated me to change my “should statements.”
This is response to a wordpress challenge. https://dailypost.wordpress.com/discover-challenges/speak-out/. Memories alone can show the blueprints to worthiness. This time, this memory shows me the worthiness in positivity. This post is also about stigma I feel towards positivity. Yes, some people judge me for being positive and it hurt. It took the smile from my face that was supposed to be there for good. I am a positive person but some people get annoyed with positivity. I’ve had my positivity really be described as annoying as recently as a few months ago. I blogged about it awhile ago but it still bothers me. It bothers me that my laughter made me embarrassed after being called out in front of everyone. This sounds weird right? Why would someone call out someone who is just trying to be positive like they are doing something so wrong? Well, I have been looked down upon for it quite a few times. So I decided to share a story about my favorite memory of being positive in hopes to show how lovely positivity can be. I went to a doctor and this woman was taking my blood months ago. Her positivity and my own made for a day that makes me smile. She smiled as soon as I walked in and was so polite. To the point where I miss her and I’ve only known her for less than an hour. This was months ago and I remember her. I decided to joke around with her and we talked about my dog and actually had a fun,happy time in those 15 minutes. She said to me, “You’re funny. When are you coming back next so we can laugh?” I barely knew her, yet our positivity made us want to know each other. It made her want to know me and me to know her. Being happy should not be looked upon as fake or annoying. Not just her though. Everyone I’ve met who is positive I want to be friends with forever. Being funny is a joy especially with all the different ways of being funny. Positivity is worthy and don’t feel ashamed like I have in the past for smiling. It is perfectly okay to be positive. I know this might be a strange post as it seems to be what most people want in friends these days, someone positive, but I have been in the opposite situation and it really hurts.
I have fallen down to a wave of depression recently. I must remember though, that depression comes in waves and it doesn’t last forever. To me, depression looks like not being able to feel joy in anything. What is especially upsetting is my hobbies that do not interest me anymore. Throughout my life, my hobbies have been so much to me and when depression started getting bad, I decided not to give up on them. This may sound like a good thing, but it leads me to not being able to do things that I need to do. When I am depressed I spend all of my time doing something I used to love, over and over until I feel joy in it again. This is also from anxiety. I get so anxious that the depression will last forever, that I spend time on my hobbies just to see if I feel anything again. If I don’t, I just keep trying. However, I need to do other things beside this. I need to do laundry, I need to study, I need to go out with friends, not only obsess about enjoying things in the way that I do. Going out with friends and being productive always helps but I never feel I have the motivation when I feel this way. Also, spending time “having fun,” isn’t really all that fun, when fun is just an experiment to see if depression this time will last forever. So I have decided to channel my depression and use it to make me feel good about myself. I am going to stop obsessing over this, and start doing the things I need to do. When I feel this way I want to stay inside and not speak to anyone until I feel joy again, but now I am going to suck it up and go out. I vow to do everything I need to do, and more. This will help me feel stronger. I will be able to tell myself that I can feel so depressed but I am strong enough to get through it and thrive on it. I think I will thrive because it is motivation now, my depression. Everything will feel like climbing up a mountain and this makes it more motivating. I also love this idea because it will make me feel respected as an adult. I used to hate the idea of being an adult. It seemed so boring. But now, being an adult means respect. For this wave of depression I am going to make a list of things I need to do during the times when I would rather not. I am going to continue my longer walks with my dog. I will continue trying my hardest to lucid dream (which I have been trying for awhile but haven’t succeeded and have almost given up). I am going to give my all to school and studies, and I will continue writing and doing yoga every day. My hope is that I will feel empowered and happy just by defying the depression and I will feel respected and strong. Maybe that is the cure for me.
Ps. I can’t believe I forgot the most important part! I’m using this depression as a way of telling me I have more potential. If I stop obsessing on things that I’m never going to pursue, then I need to do other things that will unlock my true potential! Think of your depression like that! It’s getting you to not enjoy old things, in order to try the new!
I have been feeling insecure lately about something many people have said about me. “You smile a lot.” It might sound strange as to how this can make someone feel insecure, but I heard a song recently that made me question this as a compliment. The song says, “Boys seem to like the girls who laugh at anything.” This was said in a judgmental manner to girls who laugh a lot. It made me believe that laughing a lot only means that I am trying to get boys to like me even though I laugh a lot with everyone. Listening to this I immediately thought this person was implying that these type of girls are those who are completely unintelligent. Ever since I heard this song, I have been getting insecure when I laugh, as odd as that may sound. Lets check the facts shall we? No one goes their whole life without smiling or laughing. Some people are considered intelligent, and they are people, so they have never gone their lives without laughing. Now, lets change our perspective from smiling being unintelligent (thanks brain) to being anything you desire it to be. When you smile you can look classy, like this- When you smile you can look sweet, like this- Beauty is the eye of the beholder. And these gifs make me see the beauty in myself when I laugh and smile. Also, something very important to me, when you smile, you can have a twinkle in your eye, like this-
I was a different person a year ago. I was weak and I was broken. People would hurt me and I would say nothing. I would smile through it and I was so numb that I could barely cry. When I am in a conflict with someone, it is so, so easy for me to take the high road. It is easy for me to apologize and say it’s all my fault even if I don’t believe it. I haven’t gotten into a conflict from age 13 to 22. When someone hurts me, I smile, or I say that I know what they are saying is true. If they talk to me like nothing happened, I talk to them like nothing happened, even if I’m very upset about it. Taking the high road is easy for me. If you see me smiling when someone says something rude to me, I am not being strong. I am being weak. However, I understand completely that some people need to fight to not yell, to not make an annoyed face or laugh at the person making an argument against them. To some people, taking the high road is so important to their personal growth. For me, ignoring people, looking at them in a way that shows them I am hurt or angry, is incredibly hard for me. I’ve been having problems lately with trying to be strong and people thinking that the image of strength is one thing. You need to take the high road or you are a pathetic weakling, or you need to fight or you are a pathetic weakling. But it’s not true. It is so easy for some of us to laugh off our pain, and harder for us to show our feelings. For some people, it is easy to show our pain, and harder to take the high road. This goes for so many things. We are all different, and we all have different fears. So showing our strength is as different for everyone as our personalities differ as well. Another example could be a person wanting to feel alive with doing anything that can be considered an adrenaline rush, and then looking at their family and being afraid to lose them if something happens. This strength can be seem as someone who is really afraid of not having this adrenaline rush, so he/she is going to give all of these risks up in order to take away their families anxiety. Then there is the other person who is afraid of taking risks and must take risks to face their fears. Both scenarios are people facing their fears. And both people are strong.
Today I did something embarrassing. Today was actually pretty rough. I was around someone who is rude to me and someone who I have gotten in a fight with due to both of our actions. She was rude and saying inappropriate things, and I handled the situation very ineffectively. Basically I am trying to stick up for myself and I have actually been doing well. However, today was a little different. There were many subtle things said to me and I did well at not hiding my emotions, until she said something that really was not fair. I couldn’t think of what to say to stand up for myself and I didn’t want to acknowledge my feelings anymore so I said nothing. Instead I ignored what she said then adjusted myself in my seat and made a very horrible, embarrassing grunt while I did it. I looked over at her and she was smiling to someone, which is my reminder that I should have been as embarrassed as I was about this. However, normally I would talk about my embarrassing situations just because I want to tell people who were not even there all my excuses for this weird thing I did. When I was in high school I had a bad cold and coughed really grossly and made excuses like I did it on purpose as a joke to see everyone’s reaction or something like that. Today, I am just saying that I did what I did, and that’s that. I didn’t do it on purpose. Yes, that horrible noise came from my own mouth. And yes, I am very strong for writing this post. As I was driving home I was thinking about how I have been able to counter my embarrassment lately, and this helped in writing this post. A few months ago I was driving and I had to drive really fast in order to let a semi truck onto the highway. For some reason if I do anything to draw attention to myself on the road, even just driving fast to let a truck on, I get really embarrassed. So, look at anything that has the power to embarrass you, and look at it as ferocity. If something can embarrass you, think of it as an opportunity to handle it with grace and by handling it well, you are fierce and strong. When I drove fast ahead of that truck that day, I didn’t think of myself as drawing attention to myself because obviously I’m doing something wrong or else I wouldn’t be needing to get out of the way, but I thought about how I was able to handle the situation physically and emotionally without getting embarrassed. And now, I’m going to be strong and talk about other embarrassing moments that I have made excuses for. Yes, I do not like admitting that I have ever grunted in my life before, and I hated using that word in this post. I didn’t even write grunt in my first draft. I had to think about it a few times before I decided to be strong and use that accurate word just because of how much I hate if I accidentally grunt and I have no idea why. The word grunt seems too painfully accurate of what completely happened this morning. In the past, I would have said I did it on purpose to see everyones reaction. When I was in high school my face got really red and my voice was shaking because I was doing a presentation. It was such a short presentation and when I mentioned that I was nervous, someone looked at me like I was weird. So I said, “I just didn’t do it right. I thought I was going to fail.” I am ashamed still of how shy I can be, but this is all true…I got extremely scared for a less than five minute presentation. A big one for me was that I used to study and think I understood everything, then I would understand the test and feel great about it, and then I would end up getting a D. So I would tell people who saw my paper that I didn’t even read the book. My young self is probably so excited that one day I can be strong enough to write this for anyone to see. 🙂 So next time you trip and fall, stand up and be proud that you emotionally survived that fall, and walk on feeling fierce and like you’re in an action movie because you are so emotionally strong.