Mom Shaming

This is obviously very off topic and new for me considering I am not a mother, but I wanted to talk about this. The only time I have actually witnessed mom shaming has been on the internet. I have never seen or heard anyone shaming a mother in public. I know this probably happens, and I know it makes me lucky that I have never had to witness such things. The only mom shaming I have actually witnessed with my own eyes is the occasional doubt of my own mother’s mothering skills. What I mean by this is that in my life, I have heard my mom upset at her parenting skills. Not very often, maybe three times in my whole life, but it’s upsetting. It’s upsetting to see your parents upset for one, but it’s also upsetting to see them upset at their parenting skills. I mean, we are the children and we love our parents. We don’t want them upset. So I see mom shaming on the internet. Specially I have seen Pink being mom shamed on Instagram recently. I am not a mother and I don’t know what really is dangerous for a child. What I do know is that I am the child and I am upset when my mother mom shames herself. How would I feel if I actually heard someone insult her mothering? I would probably be heart broken. Mom shaming is something moms do to other moms when they don’t believe their parents skills are up to par. What is the point of this? I always thought it was because they were worried for the child or cared for this other child. That may be exactly what it is. However, I believe mom shaming to be counter productive and does the exact opposite. If someone were to insult my mothers parenting skills when I was a child, those words would not help me…they would hurt me because they would hurt my mom. Mom shaming is there to try and guilt a mother into changing her ways for the better of the child. It does the opposite. It makes the child sad for the adult that loves and cares for them. So lets stop this mother shaming.

Something I did to defy my eating disorder

I must say first that this method might not be for everyone. Eating disorders thrive on secrecy and if you are one of those people who feels that they need to hide their behaviors in order to continue doing them, then this isn’t the post for you. When I have been in treatment, you have to talk about your behaviors every morning. When I was in PHP last year we spent eleven hours in a program, seven days a week and went home to sleep. I was ready to recover so much. However, I get extremely triggered by talking about behaviors. If I didn’t do any behaviors that night and someone else did, I felt out of control and guilty. Then I immediately regretted it and wanted to do behaviors the next night. Sometimes the only thing that got me through that morning was the fact that no one else did any behaviors. I still do understand the secrecy though. If I had done behaviors, I might have kept them to myself, but I would have felt like I was in more control. So last year, I did something different. All of us had sheets we filled out that had charts to check off each morning. They would ask for behaviors and urges. After we read this aloud, they would always go to our therapists’ mail box for them to read. I would write down my answers honestly, to take away that secrecy, and then I would read them off as if I were cured. People would be talking about their behaviors and I would say I didn’t even have an urge. (I must also point out that I’m not trying to say people are weak for talking about behaviors. This is just me. If I go against a crowd doing these things, then I feel strong, but that doesn’t mean this kind of strength is strength for everyone. If secrecy is what your disorder thrives on, then you are strong for speaking of your behaviors) I would write down any urges and behaviors but make sure I didn’t say them aloud. This wasn’t me trying to be sneaky as it might sound, I was trying to be strong and defy the eating disorder. I felt like that picture I have that makes me love confidence. That girl getting her hair cut. My brain is telling me to be like everyone else. Do what everyone else did last night. Make sure they all know you are not weak. Make sure everyone knows you are in control. Or don’t tell them anything…but be in control. Well, letting everyone know I had no urges, I was looking up into the air with my eyes closed. Birds were fluttering around me writing yes into the sky. And as soon as the words escaped me, words that basically say, “I am cured,” I open my eyes and feel liberated. Image: Pinterest

Laughing is Lovely

I have been feeling insecure lately about something many people have said about me. “You smile a lot.” It might sound strange as to how this can make someone feel insecure, but I heard a song recently that made me question this as a compliment. The song says, “Boys seem to like the girls who laugh at anything.” This was said in a judgmental manner to girls who laugh a lot. It made me believe that laughing a lot only means that I am trying to get boys to like me even though I laugh a lot with everyone. Listening to this I immediately thought this person was implying that these type of girls are those who are completely unintelligent. Ever since I heard this song, I have been getting insecure when I laugh, as odd as that may sound. Lets check the facts shall we? No one goes their whole life without smiling or laughing. Some people are considered intelligent, and they are people, so they have never gone their lives without laughing. Now, lets change our perspective from smiling being unintelligent (thanks brain) to being anything you desire it to be. When you smile you can look classy, like this- giphy-11.gifWhen you smile you can look sweet, like this- giphy-12.gifBeauty is the eye of the beholder. And these gifs make me see the beauty in myself when I laugh and smile. Also, something very important to me, when you smile, you can have a twinkle in your eye, like this-giphy-13.gif

Strength comes in all different forms

I was a different person a year ago. I was weak and I was broken. People would hurt me and I would say nothing. I would smile through it and I was so numb that I could barely cry. When I am in a conflict with someone, it is so, so easy for me to take the high road. It is easy for me to apologize and say it’s all my fault even if I don’t believe it. I haven’t gotten into a conflict from age 13 to 22. When someone hurts me, I smile, or I say that I know what they are saying is true. If they talk to me like nothing happened, I talk to them like nothing happened, even if I’m very upset about it. Taking the high road is easy for me. If you see me smiling when someone says something rude to me, I am not being strong. I am being weak. However, I understand completely that some people need to fight to not yell, to not make an annoyed face or laugh at the person making an argument against them. To some people, taking the high road is so important to their personal growth. For me, ignoring people, looking at them in a way that shows them I am hurt or angry, is incredibly hard for me. I’ve been having problems lately with trying to be strong and people thinking that the image of strength is one thing. You need to take the high road or you are a pathetic weakling, or you need to fight or you are a pathetic weakling. But it’s not true. It is so easy for some of us to laugh off our pain, and harder for us to show our feelings. For some people, it is easy to show our pain, and harder to take the high road. This goes for so many things. We are all different, and we all have different fears. So showing our strength is as different for everyone as our personalities differ as well.  Another example could be a person wanting to feel alive with doing anything that can be considered an adrenaline rush, and then looking at their family and being afraid to lose them if something happens. This strength can be seem as someone who is really afraid of not having this adrenaline rush, so he/she is going to give all of these risks up in order to  take away their families anxiety. Then there is the other person who is afraid of taking risks and must take risks to face their fears. Both scenarios are people facing their fears. And both people are strong.

When I say I’m ready to recover, I’m not messing around.

My dreams have saved me. Last year my therapist said I’m young and can do anything. I didn’t want to do anything. I wanted to be with my dog and be with my eating disorder. Then I got a change of heart, and now I want everything. Mainly I want to make a different in animals lives. With my eating disorder I cannot do that. How can I without energy? So I made another blog. I will still be writing on this one, but I also have another one now called and this is without talk of my eating disorder. My animal blog is strictly my recovery. And since this is strictly my recovery, I will only write in it when I am in recovery. I’m making a promise to myself that if I ever relapse, I will stop writing in that blog. If I ever relapse, I will feel the depth of what it feels like to lose everything due to the eating disorder. I’m done Ed. I’m ready to help save animals. Like I said in my depression post, this is what I’ve wanted since I was a child. Going back to my healthy dreams of my childhood is what cured my depression. Here comes an even happier life!

How to counter embarrassment

Today I did something embarrassing. Today was actually pretty rough. I was around someone who is rude to me and someone who I have gotten in a fight with due to both of our actions. She was rude and saying inappropriate things, and I handled the situation very ineffectively. Basically I am trying to stick up for myself and I have actually been doing well. However, today was a little different. There were many subtle things said to me and I did well at not hiding my emotions, until she said something that really was not fair. I couldn’t think of what to say to stand up for myself and I didn’t want to acknowledge my feelings anymore so I said nothing. Instead I ignored what she said then adjusted myself in my seat and made a very horrible, embarrassing grunt while I did it. I looked over at her and she was smiling to someone, which is my reminder that I should have been as embarrassed as I was about this. However, normally I would talk about my embarrassing situations just because I want to tell people who were not even there all my excuses for this weird thing I did. When I was in high school I had a bad cold and coughed really grossly and made excuses like I did it on purpose as a joke to see everyone’s reaction or something like that. Today, I am just saying that I did what I did, and that’s that. I didn’t do it on purpose. Yes, that horrible noise came from my own mouth. And yes, I am very strong for writing this post. As I was driving home I was thinking about how I have been able to counter my embarrassment lately, and this helped in writing this post. A few months ago I was driving and I had to drive really fast in order to let a semi truck onto the highway. For some reason if I do anything to draw attention to myself on the road, even just driving fast to let a truck on, I get really embarrassed. So, look at anything that has the power to embarrass you, and look at it as ferocity. If something can embarrass you, think of it as an opportunity to handle it with grace and by handling it well, you are fierce and strong. When I drove fast ahead of that truck that day, I didn’t think of myself as drawing attention to myself because obviously I’m doing something wrong or else I wouldn’t be needing to get out of the way, but I thought about how I was able to handle the situation physically and emotionally without getting embarrassed. And now, I’m going to be strong and talk about other embarrassing moments that I have made excuses for. Yes, I do not like admitting that I have ever grunted in my life before, and I hated using that word in this post. I didn’t even write grunt in my first draft. I had to think about it a few times before I decided to be strong and use that accurate word just because of how much I hate if I accidentally grunt and I have no idea why. The word grunt seems too painfully accurate of what completely happened this morning. In the past, I would have said I did it on purpose to see everyones reaction. When I was in high school my face got really red and my voice was shaking because I was doing a presentation. It was such a short presentation and when I mentioned that I was nervous, someone looked at me like I was weird. So I said, “I just didn’t do it right. I thought I was going to fail.” I am ashamed still of how shy I can be, but this is all true…I got extremely scared for a less than five minute presentation. A big one for me was that I used to study and think I understood everything, then I would understand the test and feel great about it, and then I would end up getting a D. So I would tell people who saw my paper that I didn’t even read the book. My young self is probably so excited that one day I can be strong enough to write this for anyone to see. 🙂 So next time you trip and fall, stand up and be proud that you emotionally survived that fall, and walk on feeling fierce and like you’re in an action movie because you are so emotionally strong.

“Which Friends character would you rather be? ” All!

They are all wonderful in their own ways. I just use this as an example of how comparing is unfair and all of their personalities can be desired by everyone if you allow yourself to look beyond your lack of desire. You can want to be Phoebe because of her strange sense of humor. giphy-36.gif You can love her strength and her quirkiness. Or Ross’ type of sense of humor. giphy-37If this is your type of humor in the moment, you can love yourself for your sweet, kid like manner. Or you can love the moments when you complain in a cute quirky way like Rachel. giphy-38.gifOr Monica with her sense of humor with a lot of energy. giphy-39.gifAnd then there is Chandler where you seriousness and hilarity meet together into a well balanced medium. giphy-40.gifLook at yourself the way I looked at everyone here. There is something to love in everything, even if they are polar opposites.