When I was getting ready to go to college I was depressed and didn’t care at all about my future. Now I am so excited for my future that I got depressed about having a major I don’t like, but have channeled my excitement and turned my excitement on my major and found the beauty in it. My major is marketing and I always wanted to do things with animals. I wanted to be a marine biologist and I was going to go to college for that but I ended up being so depressed I literally just clicked a major and went on with my life. I knew nothing of marketing. I didn’t care that I wasn’t interested, because I wasn’t interested in anything. So instead of sulking about my major I decided to channel it. Here are the reasons why I found marketing to be a great major. If you have chosen something you regret, you can find a way to love it.
- The potential to have a job in a “the office” type setting-Being so close to others and being able to have strange work relationships like from the show the office. (Yes this show is actually possible-I have these kinds of relationships at my current job but I’d like it to stay that way in a new job. Plus, in an office setting I’ll be able to enjoy it more because the job I have now is very physically demanding and it makes me too tired to care as much as I could about how funny my co-workers are)
- Being an artist/scientist-I need to be creative to grab people’s attention while finding out what will grab their attention.
- Honestly, I see so much beauty in the business type. Dressing in business clothes, being strong and getting things done. The problem for me is that I’m not the business type. I can only pretend to be the business-type but then I’ll feel like a fraud next to these amazing people. If you are a businessman or woman, you can love yourself so much because of how impressive you are. Going to interviews and working your way up and giving presentations is incredibly hard. Yesterday I almost didn’t apply for a job because they said you need to be ok with presentations. That has always been my worst fear. Well, I thought to myself, “If I want to be as amazing as I view actual business people, I need to apply to this job and fight through my fear of presentations.”
- I also like the idea of a cute little cubicle.
In two days I go to a wedding alone. My self esteem isn’t doing all too well at the moment and I desperately need a way to be okay with going alone. It’s a friend who has friends that are all confident and in relationships. Then there’s me. In my head, I’ll be the only one alone, which most likely will not be true. Before I would just say to myself, “I have to go. But this is going to be horrible. I cannot wait until it is over.” But now I can say, “I am going to go. But I need to make the most out of it by digging deep into the situation and finding the good.” I already knew it would make me stronger. However, this one didn’t seem so appealing this time. I’ll be strong going alone. That’s great! But not enough this time. I even had to google it because these blueprints to finding the good in every situation isn’t working with my brain right at this moment. I at least found that it’s not strange to go alone. I learned that other people go alone as well as I. It’s an experience. Not everyone can say they went to a wedding alone. It’s an accomplishment especially when you have low self-esteem. Writing that right there made me more confident but I still feel my nerves all over my body. Lets turn this moment into a bucket list task. “I want to survive a wedding alone.” Now, this will be my second wedding of my life. The only other one was when I was twelve. So, when will my next wedding be? Another ten years? I have found that this is an experience that is tough to deal with. A situation that would be awesome to survive. So, why not put it on my bucket list if I’ll feel accomplished when it’s all over? I can’t skip out now. I won’t be able to check this off for another ten years. What fun would it be to live on the safe side all the time? Any time you are about to do something you think you will hate, just think about how strong you will feel and grab your bucket list and write, “I want to get through [insert experience here] and come out stronger.” Be careful though. Don’t say to yourself, “I have to go.” Maybe find a perfect way out of the situation and then just throw it aside. In the end you may not believe you’re strong enough because you really didn’t have a way out. You “had” to go. Your brain might tell you, “You’re actually weak because you couldn’t even say no.” Well, now you can fight back your negative thoughts with that excuse you never used. “I could have stayed home, but I went anyway.” Now that’s being a warrior.
We all spend so much time taking pictures. Whether that be for instagram or something of the sort. I recently got back from a trip in which I practiced this new type of bucket list I thought of. I call it, “The present bucket list.” What this means is to go into a situation that is either on your bucket list or just a situation you find yourself enjoying, and then take one picture of it, but just one. I mean, we all know that in good situations these days, most of us, including myself, want to take a picture of it. This isn’t a bad thing in any way at all. Pictures are memories but it gets us into trouble if we only see what’s in front of us from behind a camera. What I did this week on vacation, doing things on my bucket list and looking at the scenery is take a picture, and then be sure that I am mindful. Mindfulness should take up most of the time spent on this. Not taking pictures or videos. Make sure if you are in a situation where you are ready to check something off your bucket list, make sure you really look at it. Act as though, for a few moments, that the different view of a camera never existed. Act as though your hand physically cannot move to place a checkmark next to this experience until you have practiced mindfulness in this situation and really looked and felt everyhing.
Because it was national siblings day, I decided to talk about something I always hated about myself…being an only child. It was rare and everyone seemed so happy with their siblings (even though they fought, I thought that was better than being an only child). But now that I have gotten older, I have found ways to love it. One of them being one of the reasons why I hated it…it is rare. We are a rare breed. I look at people now who are only children in a different way I looked at them when I was younger. I used to think, “finally, someone to share my pain,” but now I think of it as beautifully unique. This thought in itself makes me okay with it all. This also means that the roommates I have had over the years have been like an adventure because I’ve never shared a room with anyone until then. There really should be a national only children day for the only children and a way to speak about the stereotypes. I don’t think this makes you lonely. I think it makes you okay with being alone. I love being alone with just me and my dog, and I believe being without siblings prepared me for this. So are you an only child? You are beautifully unique. Thank you to the other only children posts on the internet that helped me see this.
Physical-I definitely see a lot of worthiness in physical humor. It’s an art and a sport in one. I see this as an intense and energetic funniness that I love. When I see someone using physical comedy I know they can love themselves because of how endearing they are. It is impressive and makes people smile at the same time.
Impressions-If I were an impressionist I would love myself for being able to be like the people I admire. The people whose mannerisms I love, they could become a part of me when I impersonate them. When I was younger I thought impersonation was mean but when I changed my perspective and got inside the mind of an impressionist who loves themselves, I found the joy and admiration that drive these comedians. I am actually trying out some for the first time in my life because of thinking about impressions this way.
Witty One-liners that are a combination of intelligence and humor being done quickly in a situation. I see so much potential for self love in this intelligent type of funniness.
And then I don’t know what kind of comedy you would call Kristen Wiig and Kate McKinnon besides when they sometimes do impressions, but I love every bit of these two. Because of Kate McKinnon I have grown to be okay with the strange facial expressions I make because I found the worthiness of them on her.
Gifs from Giphy.com
My annoying brain has convinced me I was both shy and outgoing and different times in my life. The problem with this is that my brain convinced me I was something just after it convinced me that the opposite was the worthy one. I told myself I was shy when my head told me it was worthy to be outgoing. Then once my brain told me I was only worthy if I was shy, suddenly I believed myself to be outgoing. So what I am left with is the memories of the beliefs I’ve had of the worthiness of both of these things that you can be. So I will channel my annoying brain and share how to love yourself with whichever you are.
Shy- Introverted and liking to be alone can have it serious perks. You can love yourself if you love being by yourself because of how you dream. I find that a lot of introverts like myself are dreamers. I like to stay in my imagination and it makes things so much more magical. It makes the way I walk and carry myself hold a different nature from the rest because of what my mind is on in the moment. Maybe I am bouncing a little more as I walk because of something I am dreaming of. I found all this beauty from when I spoke and my brain told me I should stay silent because only that is beautiful.
Soul mate to loving myself: (This is a phrase I use for seeing myself in someone else that makes me love myself-because it’s easier to love others than yourself) Emma Watson-She has spoken about how she feels different because she doesn’t want to go out and do certain things with her friends. I have felt that way as well and I never knew she felt that way. I look up to her so much already that when I found out she is also an introvert, it made me okay with it even more.
Outgoing- Then there was the time I felt bad about myself for not being outgoing because I thought that outgoing was the worthy one. And this is why I thought outgoing was worthy. A long time ago my friends went to do something fun and exciting that I would probably have been too afraid to do. I beat myself up about it because I found the beauty in doing something exciting rather than staying indoors by myself. I found this beautiful this time because of the excitement and the energy of adventure with other people. Being outgoing is the key to being an angel. I may be kind when I am shy, but when we are confident, outgoing and kind is when we can go up to strangers and welcome them and be kind and loving to them just like an angel. I found all this beauty when I was silent and my brain told it was only beautiful if I would shout. Silly brain didn’t think these thoughts could backfire, but I found in my pain hidden things that canceled out all of the negative thoughts out. Hidden inside my scars was the evidence of beauty in everything and I was able to channel it.
Soul mate to loving myself: Andy Samberg- He is extroverted and thinking of him when I was being extroverted and funny is a great way for me to not feel ashamed when my brain tells me introversion is the beautiful one. Serena Williams- Her intensity mixed with extroversion makes me love myself in my extroverted times.
Moral of this story is that neither one or the other is more worthy than the other. You and everyone else can love you for whatever you are. You need to accept yourself and never change. But also, we can all be both. We don’t need to label ourselves. I consider myself an introvert but there are times in my life when I’ve been an extrovert. I’m sure most people have felt both at certain times in their lives.
I have been on this blog for one year today! I have also decided to change my name from recovery for all of my heart to blueprints to your worthiness. This is because when I first started this blog it was because I wanted to share my story about my eating disorder. When I started, I was recovering for others, not myself. So my blog was called recovery for all of my heart, because I was recovering for all that I loved. This blog has evolved from my story to helping people and I have found a purpose for this blog, thus finding a purpose for myself. Not only that though, this blog was the beginning to finding so many more reasons to recover for myself. So I changed my name so it no longer reflects only recovering for others because you need to recover for yourself. Blueprints to your worthiness is basically what I have been doing in this blog for awhile now. I know I get off topic sometimes and start talking about random therapy stuff, but for the most part, this blog is about showing the worthiness I see in everyone. How I was able to recover by seeing myself in someone else and I am showing what I see in you. So my posts are blueprints to each and every piece of worthiness in people.