Healing not being linear is a miracle

I am not supposed to use the word “should” but I am going to for just a second. You should never think of your slips and negative moments as anything other than a miracle. The reason for this is because it gets you to stand back up. Like myself, you may feel ashamed of any of your past issues, but how good would you really feel about yourself if you were always doing well your whole entire life? You might think you would feel pretty awesome if you were always doing well but change your perspective a little. And I know it doesn’t always seem like it, but this goes for everyone. Everyone has tough times…even that person you consider to be flawless. Healing goes up and down and that is a beautiful thing because it leads to a feeling of accomplishment and self esteem. I used to be afraid of talking on the phone. I was envious of my friends who were able to talk on the phone like it was nothing. I managed to get over that fear and every time I talk on the phone I feel accomplished and happy with myself. I am not weaker because I wasn’t born able to talk on the phone, it was a miracle that made me start from the bottom and work my way up. If we all were perfect and did everything without fear, anxiety or any other negative emotion, we would have no area for improvement. Think of it this way. What aspect of yourself do you possess right now that you had to fight for? Doesn’t it feel amazing to think about the past when you were not the same person? No one on this planet is perfect. That’s a miracle. I know what you’re thinking. It’s a miracle because you don’t have to be constantly thinking of those perfect people with their perfect lives. You’re probably thinking it’s a miracle because you don’t have to live in their shadow. But the miracle is not that no one else is perfect. The miracle is that YOU are not perfect. Perfection would mean no room for improvement so no sense of accomplishment. No self-esteem built up from your hard work through anxiety and fear. A perfect world would be boring and probably depressing. So thank the stars and the moon that no one is perfect but only because you are not either.


From loving weak to strong

This is a large part of the story to being able to find the blueprints to your worthiness. Basically for years I was trapped in the ideal that girls should be weak and dainty. I never wanted to be anything else because no one told me the other way around was worthy too. First of all, “strong is beautiful” is something that is being said to women now and I’m grateful, but it wasn’t said to me when I was younger. Anyway, I started working at a bakery on a side where being strong didn’t really matter. The other side however, the side I never worked, was where the strength was required. Since I was a child, whenever I would lift something I would feel bad about myself afterwards, but it’s human nature to be able to lift. If we were cavemen how would we survive without a little strength? But you don’t just have to look at it like that. What I did was I watched my co-worker lift these things. The way I lifted them the rare times I had to was strained and struggling…the way I thought it should be. Then I saw my co-worker lift these things like it was no big deal whatsoever. Her eyes were unaffected. She’s just lifting and carrying this giant bag to wherever it needs to go. Then I began to get stronger myself and eventually had to work the side where strength was required. I ended up being able to carry large things in one arm. Since I was young I cringed at myself anytime I noticed my physical strength. Now I put a large portion of my consciousness to the muscles in my arms as I carry these things. I let them protrude into my consciousness until I feel their worth. The reason I love being strong now is because of the gracefulness of your muscles tight against whatever you are carrying. The gracefulness of just carrying it without a fuss. The thought of how intense you look with those two things combined. I must also mention that now I believe strong to be worthy, that doesn’t mean the worthiness of being weaker has evaporated from my mind. That ideal was ingrained into my head for probably most of my life. That ideal will not leave my mind nor should it. Someday I’ll get older and I’ll get weaker. I won’t have a choice but to lose my muscle and by the time that day comes I’ll need a strong mind and a strong mind comes from loving yourself no matter what. I know how it feels to be okay with being less than strong, so I will make sure I keep that in my mind as to not judge others who are not the strongest and I ask that everyone else does the same in any other aspect of their self love. Find your worth in whatever it is that you are and keep the worth you always saw in whatever you used to desire. Or if you were born loving a certain aspect of yourself, work on trying to love the opposite even if you don’t desire it as to be sure you don’t judge others. You won’t judge others because you see their worth already and you hold self love for yourself. This gets rid of self loathing that leads to judgements and seeing someone different from yourself that leads to judgements. I believe this to be one of the keys in eradicating judgements. If we all see the worthiness in ourselves and notice that people who hold the opposite aspect are worthy too.

Finally being okay with sleeping in

This ideal just came to me recently. When I was a teenager and my cousins slept over, they would always be up at around six am, while I couldn’t get up until around nine. I cannot get up in the morning without an immense amount of trouble. I like working nights because I don’t have to wake up. I hate mornings. Let’s just put it that way. But when you sleep in, this is an easy recipe for self-loathing. “I’m lazy.” “If everyone else wakes up that early I should be able to too.” Well, a few days ago I was finally okay with myself for the times when I do sleep in. I’m a night owl. And there are reasons why I am. I like the darkness, I like driving around at night. I like walking at night. I like staying up late. I love being a night owl because I love the night. I can know why I love being a night owl in my own love of the darkness. I hear the crickets of the night and I love them, so I love the fact that I will stay up late to listen to them. And then, being a night owl leads to the inevitable…I am not an early bird. We can also just switch all of my ideals onto an early bird. You know why you love the morning, maybe it’s the birds chirping or the idea of a whole day ahead of you. And because you know exactly why you love the mornings, you can love your early bird self for being able to see that beauty in the dawn. So back to my point. Be a night owl and sleep in. Don’t consider yourself lazy. You just love the moon, the crickets, the stars, the glow under the streetlights. You feel happiness when you look out into the night, and that happiness is why you sleep in. When you wake up and look at the clock and it’s noon and the sun is already streaming onto your face, think about the reasons. You love the moon more than the sun and that’s perfectly okay. And if anyone tries to tell you, you are lazy for sleeping in, go ahead and just tell them that you love the stars. If anyone tries to tell you, you are lazy for going to bed early, tell them you love the sunshine.

Beauty in my major

When I was getting ready to go to college I was depressed and didn’t care at all about my future. Now I am so excited for my future that I got depressed about having a major I don’t like, but have channeled my excitement and turned my excitement on my major and found the beauty in it. My major is marketing and I always wanted to do things with animals. I wanted to be a marine biologist and I was going to go to college for that but I ended up being so depressed I literally just clicked a major and went on with my life. I knew nothing of marketing. I didn’t care that I wasn’t interested, because I wasn’t interested in anything. So instead of sulking about my major I decided to channel it. Here are the reasons why I found marketing to be a great major. If you have chosen something you regret, you can find a way to love it.

  1. The potential to have a job in a “the office” type setting-Being so close to others and being able to have strange work relationships like from the show the office. (Yes this show is actually possible-I have these kinds of relationships at my current job but I’d like it to stay that way in a new job. Plus, in an office setting I’ll be able to enjoy it more because the job I have now is very physically demanding and it makes me too tired to care as much as I could about how funny my co-workers are)
  2. Being an artist/scientist-I need to be creative to grab people’s attention while finding out what will grab their attention.
  3. Honestly, I see so much beauty in the business type. Dressing in business clothes, being strong and getting things done. The problem for me is that I’m not the business type. I can only pretend to be the business-type but then I’ll feel like a fraud next to these amazing people. If you are a businessman or woman, you can love yourself so much because of how impressive you are. Going to interviews and working your way up and giving presentations is incredibly hard. Yesterday I almost didn’t apply for a job because they said you need to be ok with presentations. That has always been my worst fear. Well, I thought to myself, “If I want to be as amazing as I view actual business people, I need to apply to this job and fight through my fear of presentations.”
  4. I also like the idea of a cute little cubicle.

Worthiness I see in different types of humor

Physical-I definitely see a lot of worthiness in physical humor. It’s an art and a sport in one. I see this as an intense and energetic funniness that I love. When I see someone using physical comedy I know they can love themselves because of how endearing they are. It is impressive and makes people smile at the same time.

Impressions-If I were an impressionist I would love myself for being able to be like the people I admire. The people whose mannerisms I love, they could become a part of me when I impersonate them. When I was younger I thought impersonation was mean but when I changed my perspective and got inside the mind of an impressionist who loves themselves, I found the joy and admiration that drive these comedians. I am actually trying out some for the first time in my life because of thinking about impressions this way.

Witty One-liners that are a combination of intelligence and humor being done quickly in a situation. I see so much potential for self love in this intelligent type of funniness.

And then I don’t know what kind of comedy you would call Kristen Wiig and Kate McKinnon besides when they sometimes do impressions, but I love every bit of these two. l2JhAmuESLx73WWbK.gifBecause of Kate McKinnon I have grown to be okay with the strange facial expressions I make because I found the worthiness of them on her.


Gifs from Giphy.com

Unhealthy labels are also the false ones

Lets say you want to be something you’re not. Then you pretend to be this type of person in an instant when it will be forced, and not natural. You notice yourself pretending to be someone else and then someone calls you out on it. They say, “Do you like to read?” (Or something along those lines). You want to seem smart and you want to say you love to read but you are just forcing yourself to read the book you have in your hands. Once this question has been asked, you need to say with confidence that you really don’t like to read, if that is the truth for you. Everything has the power to be good if you make it. Some people go around reading all the time, and some people are perfectly happy without reading a book at all. This is evidence that beauty is in everything you can be. I was thinking about this yesterday. Again, I know nothing about my true self since I get insecure and change myself all the time. I am constantly looking for who I am so I can grow to like myself now that I have the skills to do so. This confidence, though, is hidden under changing myself. So, yesterday I acted in a way that I just wanted to act like. Now, this may be the real me, I’m not sure, as I have lost a large portion of myself from my insecurities. However, I realized that if someone asked me if I was truly being myself in that moment yesterday, I would say with confidence, “no.” I would say no like it is perfectly okay to not have this personality. This will rub off on others. “Do you like to read?” “No.” Said with a smile. However, sometimes when someone seems proud of their personality, I feel I should be like them, because it is obviously the best thing to do, since they seem to be okay with themselves. This is when you also let people know that you’re okay with not having a love for books, but you can see why others would love it. Love needs to be spread. It needs to be spread in this way. If you are confidence or act confidence, please spread this confidence to pieces of others that are the opposite of you. Most people who are confident in themselves, I’m sure aren’t speaking of their confidence to put down people who are not like them, but people like me are susceptible to self-loathing and can take so much and turn it into a way to hate ourselves. So lets spread the love by being confident in ourselves for whatever we are, and spread the love to personalities of whatever everyone else is. I do understand this post is all over the place and I had a little trouble with the examples so I hope it’s not too confusing! But if it is, hey, that’s perfectly okay.

Follow my path to loving your hair

Take this from someone who has hated her hair for a long time. I  used to  be very insecure about it. I hated the color so I dyed it, and then finally I embraced my natural color and dyed it back. I found the beauty in my natural color and was desperate for it back despite hating it before. There are ways to find the beauty in your hair but you also might need to combine it with things. I think about embracing blonde hair now but only when it looks a certain way. For me, I saw a picture of someone with blonde hair and dark lipstick. So, that’s when, if I had blonde hair, I put on dark lipstick. Now, I love my brown hair when I am dressed in my favorite clothes. They just look like they flow together.  I love red hair with bright red lipstick. I love black hair with pink lipstick. This all might sound so strange, but these colors together is one of the ways I found the beauty in all colors of hair. You just need to be open minded and creative and try to find someone with your hair color and look at different ways of wearing it or what they are wearing with it. I just got this concept when I saw someone with blonde hair and dark lipstick. I plan to combine this with other aspects of my life. You can find the beauty in everything by itself, without needing extra things, such as lipstick, but it is a start to being confident. Like I have said before, I like extremely curly, frizzy hair because it reminds me of a doll, but I have straight hair. I came to embrace it by seeing how it laid on my favorite outfit and how curly hair might not look as amazing as I see my straight hair with it. This opened up a doorway to loving my hair even without that outfit on. This is because this moment, of seeing my hair in this light, opened my mind to this possibility that my natural hair can give me this kind of self-esteem in it. I don’t normally like to speak of physical beauty, as it causes so many problems for me but the problems in of themselves mean that I probably need to begin talking about my progress in this. I don’t like needing to feel beautiful because it reinforces the fact that it seems that society needs you to be beautiful. However, it never hurts to love yourself, no matter what pieces of yourself that is.