Beauty in my major

When I was getting ready to go to college I was depressed and didn’t care at all about my future. Now I am so excited for my future that I got depressed about having a major I don’t like, but have channeled my excitement and turned my excitement on my major and found the beauty in it. My major is marketing and I always wanted to do things with animals. I wanted to be a marine biologist and I was going to go to college for that but I ended up being so depressed I literally just clicked a major and went on with my life. I knew nothing of marketing. I didn’t care that I wasn’t interested, because I wasn’t interested in anything. So instead of sulking about my major I decided to channel it. Here are the reasons why I found marketing to be a great major. If you have chosen something you regret, you can find a way to love it.

  1. The potential to have a job in a “the office” type setting-Being so close to others and being able to have strange work relationships like from the show the office. (Yes this show is actually possible-I have these kinds of relationships at my current job but I’d like it to stay that way in a new job. Plus, in an office setting I’ll be able to enjoy it more because the job I have now is very physically demanding and it makes me too tired to care as much as I could about how funny my co-workers are)
  2. Being an artist/scientist-I need to be creative to grab people’s attention while finding out what will grab their attention.
  3. Honestly, I see so much beauty in the business type. Dressing in business clothes, being strong and getting things done. The problem for me is that I’m not the business type. I can only pretend to be the business-type but then I’ll feel like a fraud next to these amazing people. If you are a businessman or woman, you can love yourself so much because of how impressive you are. Going to interviews and working your way up and giving presentations is incredibly hard. Yesterday I almost didn’t apply for a job because they said you need to be ok with presentations. That has always been my worst fear. Well, I thought to myself, “If I want to be as amazing as I view actual business people, I need to apply to this job and fight through my fear of presentations.”
  4. I also like the idea of a cute little cubicle.

Worthiness I see in different types of humor

Physical-I definitely see a lot of worthiness in physical humor. It’s an art and a sport in one. I see this as an intense and energetic funniness that I love. When I see someone using physical comedy I know they can love themselves because of how endearing they are. It is impressive and makes people smile at the same time.

Impressions-If I were an impressionist I would love myself for being able to be like the people I admire. The people whose mannerisms I love, they could become a part of me when I impersonate them. When I was younger I thought impersonation was mean but when I changed my perspective and got inside the mind of an impressionist who loves themselves, I found the joy and admiration that drive these comedians. I am actually trying out some for the first time in my life because of thinking about impressions this way.

Witty One-liners that are a combination of intelligence and humor being done quickly in a situation. I see so much potential for self love in this intelligent type of funniness.

And then I don’t know what kind of comedy you would call Kristen Wiig and Kate McKinnon besides when they sometimes do impressions, but I love every bit of these two. l2JhAmuESLx73WWbK.gifBecause of Kate McKinnon I have grown to be okay with the strange facial expressions I make because I found the worthiness of them on her.

 

Gifs from Giphy.com

Unhealthy labels are also the false ones

Lets say you want to be something you’re not. Then you pretend to be this type of person in an instant when it will be forced, and not natural. You notice yourself pretending to be someone else and then someone calls you out on it. They say, “Do you like to read?” (Or something along those lines). You want to seem smart and you want to say you love to read but you are just forcing yourself to read the book you have in your hands. Once this question has been asked, you need to say with confidence that you really don’t like to read, if that is the truth for you. Everything has the power to be good if you make it. Some people go around reading all the time, and some people are perfectly happy without reading a book at all. This is evidence that beauty is in everything you can be. I was thinking about this yesterday. Again, I know nothing about my true self since I get insecure and change myself all the time. I am constantly looking for who I am so I can grow to like myself now that I have the skills to do so. This confidence, though, is hidden under changing myself. So, yesterday I acted in a way that I just wanted to act like. Now, this may be the real me, I’m not sure, as I have lost a large portion of myself from my insecurities. However, I realized that if someone asked me if I was truly being myself in that moment yesterday, I would say with confidence, “no.” I would say no like it is perfectly okay to not have this personality. This will rub off on others. “Do you like to read?” “No.” Said with a smile. However, sometimes when someone seems proud of their personality, I feel I should be like them, because it is obviously the best thing to do, since they seem to be okay with themselves. This is when you also let people know that you’re okay with not having a love for books, but you can see why others would love it. Love needs to be spread. It needs to be spread in this way. If you are confidence or act confidence, please spread this confidence to pieces of others that are the opposite of you. Most people who are confident in themselves, I’m sure aren’t speaking of their confidence to put down people who are not like them, but people like me are susceptible to self-loathing and can take so much and turn it into a way to hate ourselves. So lets spread the love by being confident in ourselves for whatever we are, and spread the love to personalities of whatever everyone else is. I do understand this post is all over the place and I had a little trouble with the examples so I hope it’s not too confusing! But if it is, hey, that’s perfectly okay.

Follow my path to loving your hair

Take this from someone who has hated her hair for a long time. I  used to  be very insecure about it. I hated the color so I dyed it, and then finally I embraced my natural color and dyed it back. I found the beauty in my natural color and was desperate for it back despite hating it before. There are ways to find the beauty in your hair but you also might need to combine it with things. I think about embracing blonde hair now but only when it looks a certain way. For me, I saw a picture of someone with blonde hair and dark lipstick. So, that’s when, if I had blonde hair, I put on dark lipstick. Now, I love my brown hair when I am dressed in my favorite clothes. They just look like they flow together.  I love red hair with bright red lipstick. I love black hair with pink lipstick. This all might sound so strange, but these colors together is one of the ways I found the beauty in all colors of hair. You just need to be open minded and creative and try to find someone with your hair color and look at different ways of wearing it or what they are wearing with it. I just got this concept when I saw someone with blonde hair and dark lipstick. I plan to combine this with other aspects of my life. You can find the beauty in everything by itself, without needing extra things, such as lipstick, but it is a start to being confident. Like I have said before, I like extremely curly, frizzy hair because it reminds me of a doll, but I have straight hair. I came to embrace it by seeing how it laid on my favorite outfit and how curly hair might not look as amazing as I see my straight hair with it. This opened up a doorway to loving my hair even without that outfit on. This is because this moment, of seeing my hair in this light, opened my mind to this possibility that my natural hair can give me this kind of self-esteem in it. I don’t normally like to speak of physical beauty, as it causes so many problems for me but the problems in of themselves mean that I probably need to begin talking about my progress in this. I don’t like needing to feel beautiful because it reinforces the fact that it seems that society needs you to be beautiful. However, it never hurts to love yourself, no matter what pieces of yourself that is.

Something more productive than being envious

Looking at someone and wanting to be them will not change who you are. You are born yourself for a reason. And you cannot change this. You can change how people view you, by acting differently, but it will only make you appear different to others, but you never will be anything but your amazing self. Pretending to be something you are not is exhausting (I should know as I spent years and years doing this) and it is a complete waste of time. I beg of you to never get into this pattern or to fall out of it immediately. You might have been changing yourself for years in order for others acceptance and then, when the day comes and you are finally willing to accept yourself the way you are, you have no idea who that is. Compliments toward your fake personality mean nothing, because it’s not who you really are. People can help you love yourself. They compliment you on things you cannot notice in your true self. But in order for others to help you love your personality, you must be yourself. I am at this point of trying to find myself in order to be able to find the beauty in myself. I have changed myself and pretended to be something I’m not way too much. So instead of looking at someone and thinking about how much you want to be them, look at someone who is just like the real you, and find the beauty in them. Look at people and don’t envy them, find your beauty in someone just like you. Let them show you how amazing you are instead of being trapped in self-loathing that is brought on by comparison and envy.

The more cowardly you are, the more potential you have to be the strongest

Courage isn’t being born fearless. It is being born with fear and being able to fight through it. I used to never face my fears. I got over my fear of roller coasters randomly. I used to be deathly afraid but one day I looked at a roller coaster whilst I was at an amusement park and didn’t feel afraid anymore somehow. Now I can ride anything. I wish I would have gotten on that roller coaster with fear, rather than without. Sometimes, even though I am facing my fears today, I feel like I am naturally weak from how much I didn’t try in the past. I mean, I used to face my fears when it came to social situations, like playing basketball in games even when I didn’t want to, but it was mostly a bigger fear that got me to do that, which was the fear of telling someone no. I like feeling fear today so that I can face it and it makes me feel strong. However, sometimes my brain goes down the wrong road. “You always avoided your fears, deep down you are a coward, it doesn’t matter what is happening today because most of your life you were different…you were a coward. Some day you will fall back into what you know you are.” But then I countered this thought. The fact that I was so cowardly as to not try to face my fears for most of my life, makes it much more courageous to fight today. That makes me a stronger version of myself than I could be if I am known for being afraid and facing my fears. This is me, a girl who has avoided her fears her whole life and is now facing them. If you have this problem as well, just think about how much courage it takes for your whole life to revolve around avoiding your fears like nature intended you to do it. Then…you decide to face them. You will not turn back to cowardice. Because fighting when you are used to giving in is a special kind of strength. A strength that will help you overcome your demons and a strength that will help you fight so that you don’t return to hiding from your fears.

Talking bad about myself has left me feeling bad about myself

I desperately warn you. Do not speak bad of yourself. Do not write bad of yourself. I just learned this lesson and it may be of some use to my happiness. I have found something in my physical appearance that I like about myself. However, with my history of insecurity, I always have to obsess to make sure that what I like about myself is actually true. I know how bad this is though. I should just accept what I love about myself but sometimes it is difficult. Well, the thing I like about myself now has gone down the drain. I lost it. I lost this piece of love for myself. Why? Because I thought of something horrible I wrote about myself when I was a teenager. I remember writing in detail many things that I hate about myself and I remember telling people how much I hated certain details about myself to see if they felt the same way. Well, now, it has come back to haunt me. The new thing I like about my physical appearance is basically the opposite of something I wrote about hating. I won’t go into details but basically I wrote that I hated some aspect of my physical appearance. I remembered what I wrote even though I haven’t read it in years. This shows that details of hatred for yourself can really stick to you. More so than just thoughts themselves, because this time you have a document of your thoughts. This thing I wrote is opposite of what I like in myself as of recently. So, I had to let that good aspect of myself go. All because I wrote down my feelings of myself onto paper. If you have urges to write your feelings, I urge you to be a little kinder towards yourself, because as I have just realized, once you grow older, your own words can sound like they are coming from another person and to me, this always makes it worse and makes it sound more true. That thing I wrote about myself seems more true the more time goes on because I don’t remember that exact girl as well as I did.  The negative writings can take away an aspect of self-love you have. Maybe the truth is, is that when I was younger my insecurities clouded my judgement and they weren’t real insecurities. There is also the fact that my appearance has changed in the past almost ten years. Yet, it still looms in my head. I wrote that about myself, now it’s stuck in my head, and it’s taken away my self-love of today. Try, if you please, to speak and think more kindly of yourself, because it may come back to haunt you. As I’m sure some of you know, our insecurities can cause us to think things that are not in any way true. So when you grow older, you may look back and believe something horrible and untrue about yourself.