ENTJ is the commander and ENTP is the debater. The people I look up to in ENTJ are Jim Carrey and Harrison Ford. As for ENTP I look up to Adam Savage, Tom Hanks and Captain Jack sparrow. With every personality type I see a type of intensity that I love. The intensity from ENTJ I see that would make me love myself if I were that type of person would be the fact that they posses a piece of myself that I wish to be. I wish to be the type of person who knows when they are right and won’t let anyone take it away. A serious manner woven into the things they do when they are in a job situation telling people what they need to be doing. That type of courage is a type of intensity that I desire. I would love myself with the debater personality because they seem respectable and fair. Now, I am having a little trouble understanding this one so I will do more research on this a little later but from what I understand, these people will look at situations from all sides. This makes them, like I said, seem very fair and thus respectable. These kinds of people are so strong in a way I wish to be myself. I wish to not care about what others think about my opinions. I wish to be strong and share my opinions without backing down and apologizing for my beliefs. Love yourself as an ENTJ for being strong and standing up for who you are and love yourself as an ENTP for being strong and standing up for what you believe in. Standing up for anything is intense as you speak your mind with fire in your eyes because the importance of your words shows in every inch of you as you fight.
People I look up to in INTJ are Michelle Obama and Jane Austen. If I was an INTJ I would love myself for the idea of being a bookworm since childhood. I didn’t like books as child and I think many children aren’t too thrilled with the idea of reading. (Correct me if I’m wrong on that) I love myself today in my INFP nature because I love to read especially in a time where many read even on a screen. However, I wish I had been a bookworm all along, since childhood. When I remember all the things I was doing as a child, it would have been much more productive to even have read just a little bit. It has also been said that INTJ have trouble expressing their emotions. I have a past post on the beauty of vulnerability and the beauty of not being able to express your emotions. I found that if I was a person who could not express emotions I would have a deadpan sort of nature like from Wes Anderson movies, and seeing those actors in that state makes me like the idea of a deadpan personality. Like I have stated in the past, this may be harmful to your mental health, but if you cannot help not being able to express your emotions, don’t get trapped in self-loathing because of this part of you, because I have found worthiness in it. INTP is the logician. People with this personality I look up to are Albert Einstein and Ellen Page. If I had this personality I would love myself for scientific discoveries as I love science. I imagine these people to spend countless hours in science labs which is a version of intensity that I love. This reminds me of those science fiction movies and shows and how I want to be that scientist stuck in his/her mind trying to solve problems.
My annoying brain has convinced me I was both shy and outgoing and different times in my life. The problem with this is that my brain convinced me I was something just after it convinced me that the opposite was the worthy one. I told myself I was shy when my head told me it was worthy to be outgoing. Then once my brain told me I was only worthy if I was shy, suddenly I believed myself to be outgoing. So what I am left with is the memories of the beliefs I’ve had of the worthiness of both of these things that you can be. So I will channel my annoying brain and share how to love yourself with whichever you are.
Shy- Introverted and liking to be alone can have it serious perks. You can love yourself if you love being by yourself because of how you dream. I find that a lot of introverts like myself are dreamers. I like to stay in my imagination and it makes things so much more magical. It makes the way I walk and carry myself hold a different nature from the rest because of what my mind is on in the moment. Maybe I am bouncing a little more as I walk because of something I am dreaming of. I found all this beauty from when I spoke and my brain told me I should stay silent because only that is beautiful.
Soul mate to loving myself: (This is a phrase I use for seeing myself in someone else that makes me love myself-because it’s easier to love others than yourself) Emma Watson-She has spoken about how she feels different because she doesn’t want to go out and do certain things with her friends. I have felt that way as well and I never knew she felt that way. I look up to her so much already that when I found out she is also an introvert, it made me okay with it even more.
Outgoing- Then there was the time I felt bad about myself for not being outgoing because I thought that outgoing was the worthy one. And this is why I thought outgoing was worthy. A long time ago my friends went to do something fun and exciting that I would probably have been too afraid to do. I beat myself up about it because I found the beauty in doing something exciting rather than staying indoors by myself. I found this beautiful this time because of the excitement and the energy of adventure with other people. Being outgoing is the key to being an angel. I may be kind when I am shy, but when we are confident, outgoing and kind is when we can go up to strangers and welcome them and be kind and loving to them just like an angel. I found all this beauty when I was silent and my brain told it was only beautiful if I would shout. Silly brain didn’t think these thoughts could backfire, but I found in my pain hidden things that canceled out all of the negative thoughts out. Hidden inside my scars was the evidence of beauty in everything and I was able to channel it.
Soul mate to loving myself: Andy Samberg- He is extroverted and thinking of him when I was being extroverted and funny is a great way for me to not feel ashamed when my brain tells me introversion is the beautiful one. Serena Williams- Her intensity mixed with extroversion makes me love myself in my extroverted times.
Moral of this story is that neither one or the other is more worthy than the other. You and everyone else can love you for whatever you are. You need to accept yourself and never change. But also, we can all be both. We don’t need to label ourselves. I consider myself an introvert but there are times in my life when I’ve been an extrovert. I’m sure most people have felt both at certain times in their lives.
I must say first that this method might not be for everyone. Eating disorders thrive on secrecy and if you are one of those people who feels that they need to hide their behaviors in order to continue doing them, then this isn’t the post for you. When I have been in treatment, you have to talk about your behaviors every morning. When I was in PHP last year we spent eleven hours in a program, seven days a week and went home to sleep. I was ready to recover so much. However, I get extremely triggered by talking about behaviors. If I didn’t do any behaviors that night and someone else did, I felt out of control and guilty. Then I immediately regretted it and wanted to do behaviors the next night. Sometimes the only thing that got me through that morning was the fact that no one else did any behaviors. I still do understand the secrecy though. If I had done behaviors, I might have kept them to myself, but I would have felt like I was in more control. So last year, I did something different. All of us had sheets we filled out that had charts to check off each morning. They would ask for behaviors and urges. After we read this aloud, they would always go to our therapists’ mail box for them to read. I would write down my answers honestly, to take away that secrecy, and then I would read them off as if I were cured. People would be talking about their behaviors and I would say I didn’t even have an urge. (I must also point out that I’m not trying to say people are weak for talking about behaviors. This is just me. If I go against a crowd doing these things, then I feel strong, but that doesn’t mean this kind of strength is strength for everyone. If secrecy is what your disorder thrives on, then you are strong for speaking of your behaviors) I would write down any urges and behaviors but make sure I didn’t say them aloud. This wasn’t me trying to be sneaky as it might sound, I was trying to be strong and defy the eating disorder. I felt like that picture I have that makes me love confidence. That girl getting her hair cut. My brain is telling me to be like everyone else. Do what everyone else did last night. Make sure they all know you are not weak. Make sure everyone knows you are in control. Or don’t tell them anything…but be in control. Well, letting everyone know I had no urges, I was looking up into the air with my eyes closed. Birds were fluttering around me writing yes into the sky. And as soon as the words escaped me, words that basically say, “I am cured,” I open my eyes and feel liberated. Image: Pinterest
I used to face my fears a lot as a child but not because I wanted to nor did I do it joyfully. I was afraid to tell someone that I didn’t want to do it, so I went ahead and did it. My fear of telling people no was an avoidance in itself obviously. I used to play in volleyball games when I was too nervous to. I used to give presentations when I would have rather done anything else. We all hear that facing our fears makes everything easier right? Well, that’s not what happened in my case, when I was insecure. When I finished facing my other fears, such as being the center of attention in the volleyball games or doing presentations anyway, the fear made me feel worse. I never thought of the fact that it was amazing for me to be facing this fear. Even if I am afraid to tell someone my fear, either way I am facing something. When I was done facing my fear, I only felt empowered if I didn’t feel fear during it. If I felt horrible during it, like the time I almost vomited during a presentation at school, I felt weak, because I felt weak. I didn’t feel strong because I got through it. Now I realize that even if I get through something and still shake through it and feel fear throughout the whole thing, that makes me even stronger. The fear stayed with me, because of my negative attitude. “I did horrible. I never want to do that again. I’ll always be afraid.” Now my attitude is, “I am strong for fighting through my fear. Lets try again next time.” I have shown you in my last post about the beauty I see in confidence. I faced my fears as a child but I never looked like that girl in the picture of my last post. The girl who is getting her hair cut and looking up with her eyes closed with confidence and ferocity. I faced my fear then got up with negativity filling my mind and walked off insecure…off to being scared in the future of the same exact thing. A lack of fear was the only road to confidence for me. But that mindset made me scared. I hated fear…so I had a lot of it. Now I’m okay with fear, and while I still have it, I am a lot happier. So face your fears, and let yourself shake or let yourself be steady, but when you are done, make eye contact with others, and walk off like you have just conquered the world.
The moral of this story that I needed to hear: Fear, failure…none of that matters. All that matters in life is that you try.
Being confident isn’t arrogance. You cannot be fierce and intense without being confidence. These are the two adjectives of myself that I want, which add a beautiful essence to the word confidence. Not only that, it makes the idea of arrogance given to this word disappear. Love being confident because it looks like this.
Quotes that make me love being confident:
“I just love bossy women. I could be around them all day. Bossy is not a pejorative term at all. It means somebody’s passionate and engaged and ambitious and doesn’t mine leading.” -Amy Poehler. Passionate means full of emotion based on something someone loves. Having emotions can be so beautiful if you let it, so let that beauty guide its way into being beautiful for being passionate, and then that beauty guides it’s way to confident and bossy. I have a post about why emotions and vulnerability is beautiful as well, I just didn’t want to make this too long to repeat here.
(Image:pinterest) This picture is one of my favorite examples of how I view confidence as beautiful. Getting your hair cut off but looking up like it is a beautiful opportunity. Looking up with honor that you can feel okay with yourself for doing something drastic. Apply this picture of anything that is scary to you. Or find a picture of confidence and apply it to every moment in which you can be confident. When applying this picture to moments of potential confidence, I see intensity, I see a heart beating faster because of the joy of being confident and not from fear. I see respect for being able to work so hard to love myself. I see happiness and the most potential to change the world and be amazing.
We are all an art. A unique thing that no one can replace. If people do not appreciate us, we need to accept it and move on as a piece of ourselves, as an art, as a beauty, as a happiness, being separated from a life that doesn’t appreciate us. Think of yourself as rainbow during this acceptance. Close your eyes and imagine a mist of your colors flowing out of this person’s life. It isn’t that you are too broken to stay anymore, it is that your unique being will not be a thing in this person’s life. We all have people we don’t want to be around for whatever reason and those colors are gone from our lives. But we also don’t need to stay and prove to ourselves that we are appreciated by people who treat us badly. Don’t just give up the belief that this person appreciates you…flow out of them as a rainbow and remember to continue shining to the world. Because they do not see the light and colors in you doesn’t mean you leave them as a grey, empty cloud because you are not that at all. I often have trouble accepting that people don’t like me. I change myself or I obsess until I know for sure. It takes a lot for me to just let it go. But I won’t be letting IT go, I will be letting myself go. But it is true, that we are all a rainbow in our own ways and we will just be flowing out of them that way. Thank you to Anna Kendrick for inspiring this. “Give the gift of your absence to those who do not appreciate your presence.”