Weddings alone

In two days I go to a wedding alone. My self esteem isn’t doing all too well at the moment and I desperately need a way to be okay with going alone. It’s a friend who has friends that are all confident and in relationships. Then there’s me. In my head, I’ll be the only one alone, which most likely will not be true. Before I would just say to myself, “I have to go. But this is going to be horrible. I cannot wait until it is over.” But now I can say, “I am going to go. But I need to make the most out of it by digging deep into the situation and finding the good.” I already knew it would make me stronger. However, this one didn’t seem so appealing this time. I’ll be strong going alone. That’s great! But not enough this time. I even had to google it because these blueprints to finding the good in every situation isn’t working with my brain right at this moment. I at least found that it’s not strange to go alone. I learned that other people go alone as well as I. It’s an experience. Not everyone can say they went to a wedding alone. It’s an accomplishment especially when you have low self-esteem. Writing that right there made me more confident but I still feel my nerves all over my body. Lets turn this moment into a bucket list task. “I want to survive a wedding alone.” Now, this will be my second wedding of my life. The only other one was when I was twelve. So, when will my next wedding be? Another ten years? I have found that this is an experience that is tough to deal with. A situation that would be awesome to survive. So, why not put it on my bucket list if I’ll feel accomplished when it’s all over? I can’t skip out now. I won’t be able to check this off for another ten years. What fun would it be to live on the safe side all the time? Any time you are about to do something you think you will hate, just think about how strong you will feel and grab your bucket list and write, “I want to get through [insert experience here] and come out stronger.” Be careful though. Don’t say to yourself, “I have to go.” Maybe find a perfect way out of the situation and then just throw it aside. In the end you may not believe you’re strong enough because you really didn’t have a way out. You “had” to go. Your brain might tell you, “You’re actually weak because you couldn’t even say no.” Well, now you can fight back your negative thoughts with that excuse you never used. “I could have stayed home, but I went anyway.” Now that’s being a warrior.

A new type of bucket list

We all spend so much time taking pictures. Whether that be for instagram or something of the sort. I recently got back from a trip in which I practiced this new type of bucket list I thought of. I call it, “The present bucket list.” What this means is to go into a situation that is either on your bucket list or just a situation you find yourself enjoying, and then take one picture of it, but just one. I mean, we all know that in good situations these days, most of  us, including myself, want to take a picture of it. This isn’t a bad thing in any way at all. Pictures are memories but it gets us into trouble if we only see what’s in front of us from behind a camera. What I did this week on vacation, doing things on my bucket list and looking at the scenery is take a picture, and then be sure that I am mindful. Mindfulness should take up most of the time spent on this. Not taking pictures or videos. Make sure if you are in a situation where you are ready to check something off your bucket list, make sure you really look at it. Act as though, for a few moments, that the different view of a camera never existed. Act as though your hand physically cannot move to place a checkmark next to this experience until you have practiced mindfulness in this situation and really looked and felt everyhing.

Blueprints to being okay with going to therapy

I used to be ashamed of going to therapy like I believe a lot of people are, but now I am so extremely grateful for everything that I have learned. And this is not only because it helped me live a better life and everything therapy does for an individual…but because of going to therapy itself…I love myself for it. When most people think of going to therapy, they don’t think of going to therapy for the experience or think of going about and telling everyone how much they love themselves just for the act of going to therapy rather than the outcome itself. Many people just go to therapy for the outcome, which I obviously understand. But for me I finally found the beauty in the act of going to therapy rather than just the outcome. You can love what your soul became when you emerged from therapy but you can also love that fact that you went even if you aren’t completely cured from your ailments. You don’t have to look at your recovered self in your actions and wish, “I wish I was born this way,” or “I wish I could have gotten well on my own.” You can be okay with needing help and the things you learned along the way. Finding this kind of intelligence about mental health through my treatment and therapy journey has made things so much clearer in my head. I believe that therapy showed me my intelligence. Without being born with mental health struggles, I wouldn’t have wanted to learn about my brain. But I was forced to learn about it when my mental health deteriorated. I feel that I learned so much that I can speak intelligently about my own experiences, how I got well and can now see clearly what I believe is right and wrong. I know a lot about the brain and therapy skills now that I can speak of them with intelligence and say how much it worked because of how far gone I was in my eating disorder and managed to bounce back. Going to therapy I didn’t just learn to begin getting better, I learned like a student how to use my own opinions on the world and be able to express them and add my newfound therapy intelligence to my opinions. So be okay with yourself just for going to therapy every time you enter that room even if you still have negative thoughts every single day. Even if I was still trapped in my brain right now, I would be happy with what I have learned, even if I don’t have a desire to go to school to be a therapist.

Worthiness I see in different types of humor

Physical-I definitely see a lot of worthiness in physical humor. It’s an art and a sport in one. I see this as an intense and energetic funniness that I love. When I see someone using physical comedy I know they can love themselves because of how endearing they are. It is impressive and makes people smile at the same time.

Impressions-If I were an impressionist I would love myself for being able to be like the people I admire. The people whose mannerisms I love, they could become a part of me when I impersonate them. When I was younger I thought impersonation was mean but when I changed my perspective and got inside the mind of an impressionist who loves themselves, I found the joy and admiration that drive these comedians. I am actually trying out some for the first time in my life because of thinking about impressions this way.

Witty One-liners that are a combination of intelligence and humor being done quickly in a situation. I see so much potential for self love in this intelligent type of funniness.

And then I don’t know what kind of comedy you would call Kristen Wiig and Kate McKinnon besides when they sometimes do impressions, but I love every bit of these two. l2JhAmuESLx73WWbK.gifBecause of Kate McKinnon I have grown to be okay with the strange facial expressions I make because I found the worthiness of them on her.

 

Gifs from Giphy.com

Envy disintegrates in recovery from an eating disorder

Growing up I felt envy a lot. I was envious of girls if they were pretty, smart, funny etc because I wanted to be just like them.  With an eating disorder there is a triggering aspect of one person doing a behavior and then the other person wanting to do the same thing. When one person says they have done something I feel horrible about myself for not doing it. It shows when I was in treatment and we would talk about our behaviors from the night before. If I did well, I felt bad for that if someone else used a behavior. The reason for this was because I felt they had more control than I did. Then I would go and do that behavior the next night. Once someone said something about something I ate in a treatment center and I have never been able to eat it since because I felt bad about myself. (This fear is a great motivation for being strong so I will get over this fear of this food and soon) Now that I am doing well I have something else to give to myself besides pain. My eating disorder was a form of self-harm I believed I deserved since I was young. Now I want to give myself physical and mental strength.  When I see people who are strong, I look up to them, and then when all I want is some trivial, thing just to be accepted, I envy. Finding the beauty in a vision for yourself that also helps you life a  happy life was my key for envy to disappear. Normally I would be jealous of the people who have what I strive for, but now I respect them for being this way. I respect my co-workers immensely for being all that they are. I don’t envy them, I admire them. I see them as beautiful but I don’t envy them, I look up to them. And the envy disintegrates as I make my way towards a recovered life forever. Recovery has given me the lovely feeling of seeing a dream of worthiness in myself reflected on someone else and being able to feel happiness instead of shame at my own self. Striving for strength seems to be the key. Striving for perfection left me envious and striving for strength left me inspired and happy. How much more free would we all feel with inspiration rather than evny? I would surely feel like I was dancing in the wind with birds fluttering around me writing yes into the sky. Moral: When you strive for something just so others look at you differently, this leads to insecurities and negative emotions. When you strive for something to help yourself, you can find the beauty in this new you and live a happy life.

ENTJ and ENTP

ENTJ is the commander and ENTP is the debater. The people I look up to in ENTJ are Jim Carrey and Harrison Ford. As for ENTP I look up to Adam Savage, Tom Hanks and Captain Jack sparrow. With every personality type I see a type of intensity that I love. The intensity from ENTJ I see that would make me love myself if I were that type of person would be the fact that they posses a piece of myself that I wish to be. I wish to be the type of person who knows when they are right and won’t let anyone take it away. A serious manner woven into the things they do when they are in a job situation telling people what they need to be doing. That type of courage is a type of intensity that I desire. I would love myself with the debater personality because they seem respectable and fair. Now, I am having a little trouble understanding this one so I will do more research on this a little later but from what I understand, these people will look at situations from all sides. This makes them, like I said, seem very fair and thus respectable. These kinds of people are so strong in a way I wish to be myself. I wish to not care about what others think about my opinions. I wish to be strong and share my opinions without backing down and apologizing for my beliefs. Love yourself as an ENTJ for being strong and standing up for who you are and love yourself as an ENTP for being strong and standing up for what you believe in. Standing up for anything is intense as you speak your mind with fire in your eyes because the importance of your words shows in every inch of you as you fight.

How to find worthiness in INTJ and INTP

People I look up to in INTJ are Michelle Obama and Jane Austen. If I was an INTJ I would love myself for the idea of being a bookworm since childhood. I didn’t like books as child and I think many children aren’t too thrilled with the idea of reading. (Correct me if I’m wrong on that) I love myself today in my INFP nature because I love to read especially in a time where many read even on a screen. However, I wish I had been a bookworm all along, since childhood. When I remember all the things I was doing as a child, it would have been much more productive to even have read just a little bit. It has also been said that INTJ have trouble expressing their emotions. I have a past post on the beauty of vulnerability and the beauty of not being able to express your emotions. I found that if I was a person who could not express emotions I would have a deadpan sort of nature like from Wes Anderson movies, and seeing those actors in that state makes me like the idea of a deadpan personality. Like I have stated in the past, this may be harmful to your mental health, but if you cannot help not being able to express your emotions, don’t get trapped in self-loathing because of this part of you, because I have found worthiness in it. INTP is the logician. People with this personality I look up to are Albert Einstein and Ellen Page. If I had this personality I would love myself for scientific discoveries as I love science. I imagine these people to spend countless hours in science labs which is a version of intensity that I love. This reminds me of those science fiction movies and shows and how I want to be that scientist stuck in his/her mind trying to solve problems.